(Spoiler Alert - If you're an avid Lost fan and you missed last night's episode, stop reading. If you half-heartedly follow the show but plan to shotgun all four seasons this Valentine's Day weekend by yourself while you drink, cry, and drunk-text your ex who either got engaged or moved to Michigan, feel free to read on; there's no way your brain will process any of this. If you've never seen Lost, there's a good chance you have a steamy weekend lined up with your significant other; fortunately, asshole, you can continue reading as well.)
Ever since Benjamin Gale donned a parka, travelled to the snowy world of Narnia and turned a big magical wheel to "move the island" in last season's finale, Lost has been all over the place. Whether you like the direction the show has taken or not, hopefully we can all agree on one thing: Charlotte Lewis, the lone ugly woman on the show, absolutely sucks. (Yes, I know Rose isn't particularly attractive either, but that's because she's old and not because she's inherently disgusting like our freckly subject. If you disagree, you're probably racist.)
For those unfamiliar with Lost, here's a synopsis of the one ginger on the show: she's an anthropologist, she's British, and she looks terrible. How ugly are we talking, exactly? It's like she was born on a farm and at a very young age played pin the tail on the donkey - the literal version - and took several swift hooves to the mug. Then, she spent the rest of life not washing her dirty face, combing her frazzled hair or picking an acceptable contact lens color.
In her leisure Charlotte enjoys bleeding from the nostrils, passing out, and being pale. Her presence on the screen evokes memories of Patrick Dempsey's character in Outbreak. Remember the scene where Jimbo Scott flies on a plane and looks like death because he's contracted that vicious ebola-like virus from his pet monkey? That's pretty much Charlotte, except she doesn't hemorrhage from the eyes. Also, I would never make out with her or demand she perform life-saving surgery on my person.
Thankfully, those brilliant but sadistic Lost writers have spared us further agony; in one fell - and (somewhat) unexpected - swoop, they killed Charlotte! Official cause of death: bloody chin plus a hint of bad cough. Her final line was truly cryptic and forgettable: "I'm not allowed to have chocolate before dinner." Them's some famous last words.
So, does this finally mean the end for everyone's least favorite character? Given the fickle nature of Lost, I doubt it. Here are some possible scenarios:
1. Charlotte makes a comeback a la Ana Lucia, thanks to Eloise Hawking and the miracle of time travel
2. Charlotte, though dead, shows up again via flash backs, which is the equivalent of her not dying, which sucks to our collective asmar
3. Daniel Faraday, the soft-spoken physicist, has his way with Charlotte's corpse, then buries it (I know, I know - such a necrophilic suggestion is vulgar and unnecessary. It's just that I really don't like - or trust - physicists, or their crazy equations. Plus, I have a very hard time forgiving Corporal Upham for his cowardice in Saving Private Ryan.)
4. I haven't a clue. You tell me
