Help us make a poll

Who would you least like to be?

a) Madoff's wife

b) Sanford's wife

c) Jon Gosselin's wife

d) ................??

Random Thoughts

While walking in the East Village I overheard a middle-aged hipster on the phone say, “I’ll tell you how you get far in life.” I didn’t hear what he said next, but if I were the person on the other end of the line, I’d listen real carefully, write down every single word, and then do the exact opposite.

Actual subway ad for the website robinhoodresponds.org: “There are over 35,000 homeless New Yorkers. 15,000 of them are children. A donation of just $100 can supply shelter to a family for ten days.” I don’t get it. Are we supposed to steal the money first?

I bet if you asked some fool wearing a Che Guevara shirt if he would also wear a Stalin shirt, a common response would be: “What’s Stalin?”

You know how comedians sometimes interrupt a series of jokes to say something serious like, “I just got married” or “I’ve been sober now for five years” and then the audience gives a big round of applause? If I were a comedian and I was really bombing one night, I’d spend the rest of my routine spouting off a string of those serious one-liners. If you can’t generate the laughs, might as well enjoy some clapping.

I think the most discouraging part of quitting a lucrative finance job to write comedy is finding out you’re not funny. And the part where you don't get a paycheck anymore and spend most of your hard-earned savings on rent, health insurance and anti-depressants isn’t so great either.

Mr. Hudson ft. Kanye - "Supernova" with Natalie Portman?

MR HUDSON [FEAT KANYE WEST] - SUPERNOVA from MrHudson on Vimeo.

Not to be outdone on AMDAL by the likes of B list TV stars, Natalie Portman decided to take control, putting herself in a Kanye West music video. Of course, NP is a busy girl these days, what with being a credible actress,spokesperson and humanitarian and all. So instead of appearing in the video herself, she hired a stand-in. See first half of video above.

Kanye trumps Cobra Something Something but is Portman Doppleganger > Meester? You be the judge.

Your Worst Nightmare, Butthorn!

With all the celebrity deaths the last few days (OxyClean does not work on coronary arteries?!), I feel that it would be appropriate to mark the birthday of one of our favorite celebs who is thankfully still with us:
The first clip I posted for nostalgic reasons (the money quote is at about 1:00), but the one to really watch is the second, in which our Gary expounds at length on "Buseyisms". Words to live by, indeed. Happy 65th Birthday, Busey!

Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions

I awoke Thursday morning with a shooting pain in my flank. What’s a flank you ask? It’s a type of steak. But it’s also the side of a person’s body. In my case, it was my right side – not my right steak – that had me writhing in bed. The pain was so great that instead of sleeping in, I got out of bed at the crack of dawn (i.e. 9:30am) and went straight to the doctor’s office.

The doctor didn’t think my ailment was very serious, but to rule out any kidney issues, he had me provide a urine sample and take a blood test. The urine sample was easy: I peed right into this clear tiny cup all by myself, and I didn’t even dribble on the side or anything. Plus, as a favor to the doc, I topped it off completely - like a foamy pint of Bass Ale - to ensure he had enough. Doctors appreciate this kind of thing.

The blood test, however, was a bit more complicated. A nurse walked into the room, accompanied by a hapless intern. You could smell the inexperience (not literally; I doubt inexperience has its own aroma). Unfortunately for me, it was the newbie who would administer the blood test. Below is the play-by-play recap.

(Disclosure: I’m rather squeamish when it comes to all things blood-related. I think this goes back to the time when I was eight and I got hospitalized for asthma. They gave me an I.V. and the machine, instead of pumping me full of glucose, slowly withdrew a gallon of my blood via a thin clear tube. Assuming that this was the machine’s purpose, I just lay there, crying and withered, as my life left me.)

1. Intern ties tourniquet too loosely on my right arm. She continually slaps my forearm, looking for a vein. She gives up after one minute and looks to her mentor for advice. She appears panicked. I don’t like how this has started.
2. Nurse says, “Try the other arm.” She also recommends intern apply a tighter tourniquet. The snappy sound and rubbery smell of the tourniquet are anathema to me. (That's a pretty good word, no?)
3. New tourniquet is way too tight. My forearm immediately turns white, as does my face. (Unfortunately, my teeth do not.) Intern lights up with glee as my veins bulge with blood. She employs an alcohol swab, the smell of which brings me back to that wretched hospital memory. I don't like where this is going.
4. Just as intern is about to insert the needle, nurse calmly says, “Wait. That’s a tendon, not a vein.” This observation is disconcerting.
5. I start to lose my faculties. When I blink, the room remains dark for a few seconds, despite my eyes being open. People start talking in scary, slow-motion voices.
6. Intern finally finds her vein. She says, “This may prick a little.” No sh!t, intern.
7. Needle finally enters vein; it pricks a lot. Blood starts exiting my body fast. The intern is overwhelmed. “Wow, it’s really coming out!” I make the mistake of looking down at the situation. “Why is my blood so dark… and viscous?” I get dizzy. My heavy head feels like it’s going to topple over.
8. I begin to bid farewell to consciousness.

At this point, the nurse says, “You don’t look well. Are you ok?” Not realizing we were playing everyone’s favorite Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions, I reply with a terse, “Give me water. I lie down.” Another blown opportunity.

You don’t look well. Are you ok?

1. I’m just fine. Kudos to your intern for doing such a bang-up job. It's like she's been doing this her whole life.
2. Yes, but could you make the rubber band a little tighter? I can still move my fingers.
3. Of course. I normally get this pale and dizzy when I’m ok. Take as much blood and time as you need.
4. Remember that tendon the intern mistook for a vein? You really got his hopes up and now he feels neglected. Could you stab him with something sharp?
5. ……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……………..……..……..……..……..……..……..……..……..….

Cobra Starship ft. Leighton Meester - "Good Girls Go Bad"

Cobra Starship - New Music - More Music Videos

The song is actually decent but honestly the only reason the video is here is because Leighton's in it. Despite her recent engagement announcement via up-and-coming social networking site "Facebook," I still can't be mad at her. Even her fiance, actor Sebastian Stan, who besides performing above his weight class in the love department, he's been one of standout actors on the improving NBC show, Kings (short clip here).

FYI: Much to his chagrin, Sebastian was not the FJ recipient in the recently released sex tape. Being the smart man that he is, the engagement stands.

Become an AMDAL Fan on Facebook

Become a fan of AMDAL on Facebook here and get all the juicy updates we remember to post.

Also by doing so, you'll make yourself eligible for giveaways including but not limited to AMDAL t-shirts, Stinsons-style pong paddles and the elusive orange keystone can.

An All American Experience at Lenox 301

Liveblog NASCAR Lenox @ Loudon NH

Animal House at 30

From this week's Wall Street Journal Weekend Edition:

When Animal House first came out just over 30 years ago, it dominated the cultural landscape. College students were nostalgic for the "raunchy, pre-1960s undergraduate ideal," says Peter Rollins, who has been studying pop-culture academically for over 30 years. Mr. Rollins, who attended Dartmouth in the 1960s, says that students back then tried to live "the fantasy" on their own campuses. Some still do, taking Bluto's counsel to heart: "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."

Take Alpha Delta, the Dartmouth College fraternity that the infamous Delta house of the movie is based on. The movie, co-written by Dartmouth graduate and Alpha Delta brother Chris Miller, still inspires some of the fraternity's traditions today.

The rest of the article is here. If you're familiar with the whole Animal House story or the Dartmouth fraternity scene in general, you won't find anything new here. Nonetheless, it's a quick, interesting read. Plus, more evidence that SAE doesn't rage:

This behavior is frowned upon by some. James Watson, a senior at Dartmouth and the current president of Sigma Alpha Epsilon, says that the Animal House culture is "very irresponsible." Speaking as the president of a fraternity whose motto is the "true gentleman," Mr. Watson unsurprisingly takes issue with such Bluto-inspired basement practices as "doming," where one chugs a six-pack as quickly as possible until projectile vomiting is induced.

Does anyone know the writer, E.E. Smith? Looks like he (or she) is an '09, and presumably not an SAE.

AMDAL PSA

So in April/May I spent weeks hunting through craigslist for a 10 week summer sublet in Burlington, VT (former home of [apple symbol], at least one Johnson, and ARod's Older Girlfriend's Younger Boyfriend). It was an annoying process. Dealing with the people that published the ads was difficult because the UVM Hippies aren't great at returning phonecalls. When I would get a phonecall back, it would sometimes be even worse. Kids trying to slough off some of their rent on me, out-and-out lies about the apartment, or several times, people trying to get me to take over a year-round lease but claiming they'd be back to reclaim it in 10 weeks. I found a good situation, but it took a lot of trial-and-error.
A friend of mine (no names) recently was looking for an apartment in a major urban area (no names!). She found a nice place online. The photos were nice, the neighborhood was trendy. The landlord requested a $50 "application" fee, along with a completed form, if she was interested. He was only collecting applications for the next 48 hours so she'd have to hustle to get it to him. Needless to say, my wise friend declined. As the NY Times noted in a great article, the convulted schemes of the craigslist thieves get more aggressive all the time. A good article for everyone who figures, like me, that they won't be swindled because 1) people are nice and 2) I am smart.

Colgate Wisp: Friend or Foe?

I live in Los Angeles, so I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I had sushi for lunch. I'd like to say that I drove my Maybach over to Koi to meet up with Adrian Grenier for sushi, but alas, Los Angeles isn't quite like that in real life... at least, not for me.

I did have sushi, though, and my biggest problem with eating sushi at lunchtime is the taste that lingers in your mouth all day while you're at work trying to think of a good (or, in this case, bad) topic to rant about on AMDAL. It's a mix of fish, soy, ginger, teriyaki sauce, beer, sake, wasabi and whatever the hell else went into the crazy rolls you ordered. In Los Angeles, that can include anything from mango to caviar and none of that sits well in your mouth, especially in concert with all of that other nonsense.

What's a guy to do, right?

Well, it's exactly for this situation that Colgate invented the Wisp: a disposable, tiny toothbrush that needs neither water nor toothpaste to deliver an all-over cleaning directly to your grill. Much in the way that Pizza Hut reinvented the pizza with the stuffed crust model, Colgate has reimagined what it means to brush your teeth on the go. However, much like stuffed crust pizza, the Wisp raises some serious concerns.

In this day and age, everyone is going Lady Gaga for "Green." Well, the Colgate Wisp is the exact opposite of green. In a world where someone gives you the stink eye for drinking your coffee out of a styrofoam cup, where is all the outrage for the Colgate Wisp? You take a product that can be used for three, six, even nine months in extreme cases of "too lazy to go to Target" and reduce its lifespan down to forty seconds only to then throw it away? Where are the protesters? Where are the riots? Where the hell is Al Gore?

Wait, I have a better question... why, in my fantasy version of LA a few paragraphs ago did I have myself meeting up with Vince from Entourage instead of Megan Fox, Bar Refaeli or Tom Brady? Wait, scratch that last one (not really!).


But I digress...

As a heartless conservative, I'm not wont to play the environmental card. Sure, the earth is pretty great and, I guess, without it we wouldn't even be able to invent awesome crap like the Colgate Wisp but, I mean, come on! You just can't argue with the fact that just about everyone would be well-served to have a Wisp or two in their laptop bag, suitcase, car or anywhere else where a it would be handy to have more than just a breath mint. Got a job interview? Wisp it! Got a hot date? Wisp it! Got a desire to dramatically increase the size of the Great Pacific Garbage Patch? Wisp it! There's little it can't do!

Environment be damned; science has spoken and it's speaking with the minty fresh breath delivered only by a disposable, miniature toothbrush!

Random Thoughts

Actual anti-smoking ad: a kid with a nebulizer strapped to his face and the caption: “Cigarettes gave me asthma. And I don’t even smoke.” I think this would also be a pretty good ad for Skoal dipping tobacco.

The other day I almost mustered up the courage to initiate a conversation with this cute girl who was reading the same novel as I in the Sheep Meadow of Central Park. But then I thought: What if we really hit it off, fall in love and someday move in together? I just wasn’t ready for any of that, so I returned to my book.

Is there anything more overrated than brushing your teeth? Washing your hands, maybe.

Of all my many character flaws, I’d say my laziness is the most debilitating. It’s gotten to the point where my inability to finish things I start is affecting all areas of my life, this blog included. For example,

Today I finally bit the bullet and bought myself one of those Bluetooth headsets. Honestly, I didn’t even need a new phone device; I was just tired of people on the street thinking I was crazy when I'd argue with Karl, my imaginary half-cousin.

The King of Pop

Though I would argue the true Elvis of our generation is playing this weekend at Glastonbury, this is without a doubt the second-biggest celebrity death of my lifetime (Princess Di takes the cake, still, in my book). Recent events provide an interesting case-study in celebrity canonization. I have been thinking a lot about this subject recently after seeing the Mike Tyson documentary, Tyson, which is similar in respects to the ongoing media tributes to the King of Pop.

Tyson is treated with exceeding deference throughout and he is allowed ample camera time to muse upon varied subjects while clips of him flattening people in the ring play on the screen. The more controversial portions of his career-- his bizarre obsession with pigeons, spectacular mismanagement of personal finances and the rest are treated in an extremely cursory fashion, as is his rape conviction and conversion to Islam in prison. The extent of the treatment of this particularly seminal moment in his life is a brief shot of him in the back of a cop car and present-day facially-tattooed Mike looking menacingly into the camera and proclaiming his accuser to be "a lying bitch and a whore," nonwithstanding the opinion of twelve of his peers (he also essentially admits to doing what he was accused of at other times, but insists that the particular incident for which he was sent to prison was untrue. Ooooookay, Mike). Any thought that the public at large might still be troubled by this was quickly dismissed in my mind by the raucous reception his cameo in "The Hangover" receives in movie theaters.

The point of this is not to rip on Tyson (indeed, any sensible person should be terrified of doing so) but to point out how quickly the unsavory moments in celebrity pasts can be elided in the heat and pain of the moment of losing someone truly unique like Mr. Jackson. To the extent I do remember him, it will be with sadness, not only for his passing of course, but for what, despite his fame and fortune, must have been an extremely difficult life: well documented childhood abuse, a painful and publicly drawn out program of gradual self-mutilation and his inescapable and crushing fame. “Thriller” was something like 26 times over platinum, an amazing feat even to a non pop music person like me. His music certainly brought joy to many (most?) across the globe so it is natural that it hurts now that he is gone.

But the dude dangled his baby off a fucking hotel balcony. He almost certainly molested a terminally ill 8 year old kid. Many are leaping to excuse these moments by pointing to his childhood and difficult life (as, no doubt, will many Tyson apologists when he shuffles loose) but where is the intersection of personal responsibility? How does one view the hagiography taking place now in light of themedia treatment of Luv Guv 1 and Luv Guv 2: the Argentine affair (now with extra picante)? [UPDATE: Commenters who have been following along can also weight in on the Rhianna/Chis Brown parallel, a saga that I have not been following.]

Is the past inescapable? Was Jackson fated to do these terrible things, in turn, because of the terrible things that happened to him? Or is your life what you make it? RIP, MJ. A sad story indeed.

Your Baby is an A$$hole

Well, I'm not really sure why I find this site so funny, but I do. It could be the name, or it could be the fact that we are a generation of over-sharers on just about everything. But darnit- some of the posts are really funny and if you've ever been around kids, they do some things you can't help but to laugh at.

I got the site link from a friend who just had a baby and her subject was "Is it too early?" which turned into a long email chain regarding the fact that we weren't sure if it was okay to make fun of your own baby. I mean, it's not very nuturing but the truth is- we all do it. Your parents did it to you, and you will to your kids. Then Thrillist put the site out there today, and now I don't really feel all that guilty sharing it with other people.

I sent it to my other friends, who recently moved to Chicago with their 5 and 2 year old kiddos who I have known since the day they were born. They found it hilarious, and we have now spent the last 2 hours of today's workday emailing about the hilarious moments we each caught and/or put their their son & daughter in to. Such as: Wyatt sitting in a bar, drinking a bottle like a beer while watching college football with us... Cop walked by and said "he better be rootin' for Wisconsin (?- don't remember what team it was)" to which Wyatt looked at him and yelled, "OR-WE-GON!" I then promptly taught him the Gator chomp. I'm a good friend.

Moral of the story: Making fun of your baby is okay. I mean, just because you get married and have kids doesn't mean you have to be lame and not have fun anymore*.

To make up for all the baby talk: here's a site on trampy girls in Vegas trying to win $25,000 prize for best pool-side body. This is a serious ambition some of the girls have. I wish I was kidding. Scos- you can search for cheap flights to Vegas here.

*ARod: Relax. Self-call? Call-out? Either way, I'm pretty sure this post made him a little nervous.

Asia's party drug ketamine carries incontinence risk

Aww, shit.

AMDAL News: Dropped the "blogspot"

AMDAL no longer has "blogspot" in it's name. Thanks to the miracles of science, engineering and Skynet, we are now operating purely under the http://allmydealsarelive.com url.

Now stop gawking and read Scos' post below.

Tales from the Vault

College reunions are tough. You run into all these people you haven’t seen in years and you pretend to care about what’s going on in their lives, even though the reason you haven’t kept in touch is because you don’t care about what’s going on in their lives. “Law school, really? That must be great. Listen, I’m going to go get another beer and talk to someone else. You take care.” Sometimes, you run into someone you barely recognize and yet you feel like you had a real connection with her a long time ago. “I’m sorry, what’s your name again? I feel like we knew one another.” “My name? We hooked up junior year – and not just once.” “Right, right, of course! Listen, I’m going to go get another beer and talk to someone else. You take care.” It was during one of these unpleasant conversations this past weekend that an old gem popped into my head.

He Had Curly Blond Hair
Sophomore summer was halfway over and I, like most guys on campus, was looking to get drunk and rub against someone else, preferably a female who weighed less than me. It was Friday night (or Saturday night, or maybe it was a Monday afternoon) and I had just played a lot of pong. As the evening winded down, a cute girl – let’s just call her Valkyrie (she liked Tom Cruise movies; also, her name was Valerie) – came down to my fraternity basement and flirtatiously asked if I wanted to go to her sorority to play one last game. She and her two friends needed a fourth and I, not being one to turn down a game, gladly accepted the invitation. Also, I was wearing a pretty sweet headband.

I don’t really remember how the game went - I think we won, or lost - but what’s important is that I was a rock-star - so much so that after the game, Valkyrie invited me up to her room to “check blitz.” (For those of you unfamiliar with Hanoverian jargon, check blitz means check email, which also means check out my mouth with your mouth.) We messed around for a few minutes - I think I unearthed a boob - but when I proved I was a bit too drunk (N.B. the nose is a not an erogenous zone and should never be treated as such), she kindly asked me to leave. She added, “Let’s do this again. Just not when so much alcohol’s involved.” To be fair, she may have actually said, “Let’s not do this again. You just open-mouth kissed my nose.” Either way, she was definitely into me.

(This is a picture of actor Kevin Bacon playing Dartmouth-style pong at AD. What is it doing here, in a story that has nothing to do with him or AD? We may never know.)

The next night, hoping to achieve a similar, yet even steamier outcome, I played a lot of pong. This time, however, Valkyrie didn't show. It was getting late so I went to her sorority to figure out why my carnal desires weren’t being fulfilled. I checked the basement, then every single shower in the sorority (twice), and then her bedroom, to no avail. Annoyed, I turned on her computer and sent her an innocent email.

Valkyrie, I’m in your room, hanging out. You should swing by. The place looks great!

It was getting late, so in a move that can only be described as strategic (or profoundly sketchy), I decided to take a quick nap in her bed. I was exhausted and besides, in a few minutes she’d wake me up, we’d pump some tats, and all would be well.

Suffice it to say, things did not go as planned. When I awoke it was 6:30am, the sun was beaming in, and I was still alone and fully clothed in Valkyrie’s bed. And there was a slight problem: I had urinated everywhere. It was as if I had had a dream, and in that dream I was a powerful rotating sprinkler and her bed was this arid garden that longed for irrigation, which I then provided in copious amounts. Nothing - I repeat, nothing - was left dry. My clothes, including my wallet, headband(?) and sandals: soaked. Her bed, including the mattress, down comforter, sheets, pillows, and headboard: soaked. The carpet and even her Top Gun and Cocktail DVD's: soaked. “Oh no,” I thought. “This is bad.” Panicked, and still pretty smashed, I did the only sensible thing I could: I staggered home fast. When I got to my room I came to a very unsettling realization. My innocent email singled me out as the prime suspect.
It’s times like these when you really need to take a deep breath and think on your toes. I did neither. I turned on my computer and hastily wrote the following:

Valkyrie, just wanted to say that I’m sorry we didn’t meet up last night. I waited around your room for an hour or so, and then some drunk guy barged in and crashed on your bed. He probably stayed there all night. He had curly blond hair.

Now I don’t know why I wrote that last part; your guess is as good as mine. But it didn’t work. An hour later she wrote back. “Do you think I’m an idiot?!?!?* Get your ass over here and wash all my stuff. NOW!” Before I could write back, she followed up with another email. “Actually, forget that. I’m taking all of my stuff to the cleaners – and you’re paying for it. All of it. I can’t believe this, or you, or that ridiculous email you sent me.”

The dry cleaning bill was well north of $200 (damn decorative pillows). And because Dartmouth girls can be so petty, I never got a second chance with Valkyrie, despite everything we’d been through together. Anyway, as the story goes, we graduated and eventually lost touch. Then, last week, we ran into one another at our 5-year reunion. Although we chatted for nearly ten minutes, I don’t really recall what we talked about. All I know is she kept moving her mouth and I kept nodding, like I cared or something. I considered asking her about sophomore summer and whether she ever believed – even for a second – in the guy with the curly blond hair, but in the end I decided against it; there was pong to play. “Listen, I’m going to go get another beer and talk to someone else. You take care.”

*To be honest, she may have said, “Do you think I’m a f!@#ing idiot?!?!? I no longer have that email to confirm.

We'll miss you Michael

Michael Jackson died today of a heart attack. He was 50.

While Farrah may have been the original unicorn / muse, MJ was Mr. Jam of the Week. AMDAL will miss his presence in the blogosphere.

The natural goodness of Maine

Now I'm sure all of you recognize this title as being the Oakhurst milk slogan. Excuse me for pilfering it.

But what goes better together than a nice tall glass of milk and a Maine Whoopie Pie? Now I'm not talking about Ben and Jerry's Making Whoopie ice cream --though that's a helluva novel concept from two fat geniuses in VT-- what I'm talking about is good old fashioned Maine whoopie pies. For those of you from away, a whoopie pie, is basically what those of you from away call a mud pie. Or some of you just have no idea what it is. In either case, it's pure deliciousness.

HOWEVER, as a connoisseur of most things whoopie and all things chocolate, I must admit: it is rare to find the single whoopie pie that combines both perfect chocolate cake and creamy vanilla frosting. Often times the cake is too bland or too dry. Other times the frosting isn't that nice thick cream cheese type frosting but rather it's a quick whip of confectionery sugar. When push comes to shove I settle for the good cake and the sugary frosting. In fact, it's so rare that I find the perfect whoopie pie that the quest for said item is what keeps me eating these treats as much as anything--almost.

This week, before I launch off in search of Peruvian whoopie --and pies alike-- I'm spending some time DownEast; and the local DownEast Deli in Prospect Harbor, ME (under new ownership) hasn't disappointed. Check out this delicious half-eaten cookie-brownie-like cake (a creative twist!) combined with the perfect cream cheese frosting!
Has perfection been encountered along the Maine coast? Perhaps it has... I'll just have to buy another one tomorrow for some more testin'. mmm

We'll miss you Farrah

Sad news AMDAL followers: Farrah Fawcett passed away this morning. I'm sure she got the classic "Did it hurt?... when you fell from Heaven?" pick up line far too many times in her reign as one of Charlie's Angels.

Had AMDAL been around in the 70's she totally would have been the #1 hot celebrity post.

Let me be myself

Does anyone else think these new Geico caveman ads are genius? There's this one, obviously. And then there's another new one where he's standing outside of a tv store and doing the Shawshank tear your shirt off, look up and the sky, and breathe in life thing. Whatever happened to the Caveman tv series on ABC? Is it hard to sustain a tv show based on one joke? Seems like most sitcoms do it these days based on less.

Insignificant Sports Update

Let's face it, soccer will never catch on in the US. Irregardless, soccer is a fun sport and pretty entertaining when you look at it from an American point of view. We follow so many other sports that soccer has become a mere novelty while it is life and death in places like Europe.

The US played Spain today in the Confederations Cup in South Africa (A precursor to the World Cup next year). We are pretty terrible and basically field a bunch of MLS players. Spain is ranked number 1 in the world, has probably one of the best national teams in recent memory, and had a 30-odd win streak going into this game. Long story short, we end up beating Spain 2-0 in a HUGE upset and put ourselves back on track mentally for the World Cup next year. We played sloppy, hard-nosed American soccer and came out ahead. Kudos to our boys. To add to this, basically everyone in Spain was watching this game while many of you have first heard of this victory through a Dartmouth-centric blog.

I'm a big soccer fan, but even I just read the ESPN Gamecast while working. If you have never read the streamer on the ESPN soccer game cast, you should. I have a strong belief that they don't pay the guy who does it so he just writes whatever the hell he wants. He is hilarious because I'm sure he knows there are only about 4 disgruntled Americans reading it while at work.

He writes in stream of conciousness but here are some selected highlights (time of the comment indicated in bold), enjoy:


0’ Hello and welcome to Spain's thrashing of the US. Teams to follow in a moment.

0' Starting line-up for Spain: Casillas; Sergio Ramos, Pique, Puyol, Capdevila; Fabregas, Alonso, Xavi, Riera; Villa, Torres. How on earth does the greasy, useless Riera get in this team?

0’ The clearly quite parky weather is making me feel slightly better about the fact that so many of the very most useless BBC commentators and co-commentators are on a three week jolly in South Africa.

0’ Casillas's forearms make me feel very inadequate.

11’ Bad miss from Torres. Fabregas curls in a low cross with his right foot from the left hand side, and the Britney Spears-alike whacks it wide of the far post.

15’ Spain's new kit is a lot less cool than the one with which they won the European Championships. They have replaced the yellow piping and fine detail with a black stripe across the shoulder that makes the wearer look as though he's been run over.

16’ There's more horn in this ground than in a teenage's bedroom. The resultant noise really is unfeasibly annoying. It almost makes the Mexican Wave that's going round the ground almost acceptable.

60’ Corner is useless

68’ Fabregas is replaced by Cazorla. Until the point I hadn't realised that he was sporting a yellow streak down the middle of his head like a skunk. What a moron, and I apologise for depriving you of that information until now.

80’ Bradley really has worked his knackers off

88’ I don't think I've eaten my words yet so I'll do so now - the US boys have made me look very silly.

90’ The moustache doesn't help, but Del Bosque looks very hangdog


Soccer is great

Links and Stones Will Break Your Bones but Twitter Won't Call the Police for You

Autotuning the news, can only make you think more highly about Joe Biden

Buzz Aldrin on Autotune: "That's no good - it's all played out!" (Making of the Rocket Experience ft. Snoop Dogg & Talib Kweli)

My Quarter Life Crisis explained (Older but good)

Safin out of Wimbledon, breaks racket (on grass)

Who is the more authentic victim of violence: Iranian girl (RIP) or Perez Hilton? Source: Hipster Runoff Bonus: WWTDD breaks down Perez's "apology"

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Jefferson to San Antonio: A Laker Perspective

As I am a fan of the Los Angeles Lakers, I see myself as a member of the team. I don't have a ring but I plan on making one out of papier-mâché to match my other fourteen. Yes, the Minnesota championships count. Just because you move doesn't render your previous accomplishments moot; just ask Roman Polanski.

But I'm not here to talk about the validity of the fifteen Laker championships or Roman Polanski's ability to molest a child and flee to France while still maintaining high esteem in the film world; I'm here to talk about the recent trade of Richard Jefferson from Milwaukee to San Antonio. This move has been heralded as yet another ingenious maneuver on the part of the always savvy Spurs organization. Dick Vitale was even quoted on the subject this morning as saying, "Woooo baby! Jefferson? Spurs? Baby, I'm thinking championship, baby! Spurs, baby! All the way, baby! Jefferson, baby! What an athlete! I can't believe it, baby! I can't believe people are still putting up with my ridiculous shtick, baby!" or something ridiculous like that.

I remain unconvinced that this move will influence the Lakers' quest for a sixteenth championship next year, despite the indiscernible ramblings of senile pundits like Dicky V. Let's review the facts:

1) The acquisition of Richard Jefferson fails to make Tim Duncan any less of a colossal dork.

Tim Duncan, a.k.a. "The Big Fundamental," a.k.a. "The Guy with the Exact Same Length Facial Hair as Head Hair," is a huge nerd. If he weren't seven feet tall, he'd be working at Initech fighting a printer during his lunch break. Tim Duncan has not one but two Dungeons and Dragons-related tattoos. Look it up; you can't make this stuff up. Keep in mind, also, that Tony Parker is a failed, french rapper and that Ginobili is the least attractive anything to come out of Argentina, ever. If you're a cool customer, like Richard Jefferson appears to be, you are going to feel as out of place as Ogre amongst a bunch of nerds in "Revenge of the Nerds" (not "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise," wherein Ogre joins forces with the nerds in a surprising twist of fate). That's going to hurt Jefferson's play as well as team chemistry. Strike one.

2) The losses of Fabricio Oberto and Kurt Thomas will be devastating.

Although Oberto and Thomas are often overlooked, they are the only decent options at the five spot for San Antonio. You know who is left to play center? Matt Bonner. That's a frightening prospect if you're a Texan who, somehow, isn't from Houston, Dallas or Austin. I've also got to believe that the loss of Oberto's famous beef jerky is going to take a noticeable toll on the protein levels of the remaining players. I mean, that's quick beef on the go; I don't know how you replace that kind of contribution. Strike Two.

3) Richard Jefferson wears #24 and there's only room in the NBA for one #24.

Until this day, Jefferson's wearing of the sacred #24 has gone relatively unnoticed as he played in the obscurity of New Jersey and Wisconsin. Even though Jefferson had the number first, I'm sure that against a rival like the Spurs, Kobe Bryant is going to make it a point to light this guy up like level six skelewizard at one of Tim Duncan's D&D parties. Pretend you a piece of delicious Oberto beef jerky and then a lion wants it--guess what?--he's gonna take it from you and probably rip your face off and drop a deuce on your skinless face remnants. I see something similar happening when Kobe faces Jefferson for the first time in the '09-'10 season only with more deucing, as I imagine that Jefferson will be deucing himself as well. It won't matter who had the number first. Strike three, and if I know my mixed metaphors, that means "you're out!"

As you can see, neither my teammates on the Lakers nor I are particularly impressed with this trade. Most likely, this trade will devastate San Antonio so much that the entire franchise will fold and burn in a terrific fire. "Oh no," people will say, "How in the world are we going to save the retired jersey of Sean Elliott?" Oh wait, nobody is going to say that because it's a damn travesty that any team retired his jersey in the first place.

Screw Jefferson, screw San Antonio, screw Dick Vitale and screw Tim Duncan and the the stupid look he gets every single time he gets called for a foul.

My '09-'10 prediction: Lakers in 7. That's right, every team will forfeit the entire season after only seven games. Bring on number sixteen!

Random Thoughts

I think a good frisbee player is like one of the top things a bad athlete can strive to be.

I received an email the other day that criticized one of my Random Thoughts for “not being funny.” So I wrote back, “If you’re such an expert on the unfunny, why don’t you start your own blog and write your own material?” Then I enjoyed a long laugh, until I remembered I don’t get fan mail, and that the original email was just something I had fabricated for this Random Thought.

I get annoyed when people on the streets of New York mistake me for a tourist. But they have a point: I am a tourist - just not right now, in this city.

Actual bus stop ad for the new H&M collection: the slogan “Fashion Against AIDS!” superimposed on a photograph of singer Katy Perry, who’s wearing a bodysuit and knee-high socks. I think this campaign would be more effective in raising awareness if H&M used a photograph that didn't make people want to go out and have sex with bisexual female rockers.

Sometimes, pot is really good for getting your creative juices flowing. Other times, however, the pizza guy is here. Where’s my wallet?

Liveblog pavlova and homemade spearmint icecream @ The Coes

Random Thoughts

There's a lot of poverty research that shows if you do the following four things, you probably won't be poor later on in life: (1) Get married, (2) Get a job, (3) Finish high school, (4) Wait until after marriage to have your first child. I would add one more: (5) Be born somewhere other than in Africa.

Some people sneeze in twos, others in threes. I, on the other hand, sneeze in twelves. (No joke.) My colleagues at work used to get pretty annoyed with me whenever I'd have one of these drawn-out fits. "You know what the worst part about sneezing in twelves is?" I would ask them, all glassy-eyed, pale and drained. "The sneezing part."

Whenever I read about or watch footage of the Iranian government brutally cracking down on its own people, I can't help but think back to George W. Bush's controversial "axis of evil" speech, and wonder why so many people got upset about that one phrase. And then I think, maybe people weren't so much against the use of the word evil as they were the word axis. I didn't like coordinate geometry very much either, so I guess I get it.

Actual television commercial for Confessions of a Shopaholic: "Own the must-have DVD of the year!" Must-have, if your goal is to demonstrate that you have unbelievably bad taste in movies.

You know when you go to your 5-year college reunion and you run into your old sweetheart - maybe the one you let slip away - and you talk to her for an hour and discover that she's doing so well - with her happy marriage and successful career and everything - that immediately afterwards you drink yourself into oblivion and wake up the next morning, fully clothed on a wet carpet next to a puddle of vomit? Me neither.

My Summer Thus Far (In Bullet Form)

• Dropped down to Part Time (fEconomy)
• Semi-evicted from 73 E Dub (fHanover brothel laws)
• Living at Dr. [Apple symbol]'s apt for a few months
• Day 2 at [Apple]'s 3rd floor apt: locked myself out escorting ant out front door
• Slept on couch with URI infected cat
• Wake up / attempt to locate keys from property manager
• Key attempt 1: fail
• Key attempt 2*: fail, freakout**
• Locksmith: $100 estimate via phone - decline
• Nearby construction workers: Success via unlocked sliding door, a mechanical lift, and proverbial 'wheel greasing'
• Resultant 6 hour 'work' day: win

* Why he didn't give me the 2nd key at the same time, I don't know

** Minus weird remote move

Update: FAQs answered

• Did you really get kicked out?: Sort of - we overbooked our house when ErikJ couldn't find a job in Burlington (fEconomy x2) and decided to stay in Hanover to do research
• I thought the brothel laws apply only to girls?: True, I took literarly license but there is a rule on the books (pp 26) about number of non-related residents in one house
• Are you living with [Apple]?: No, he's in Maine before traveling through South America
• Are you really as drop-dead gorgeous as that mullet/goggle-tan picture implied?: Yes

Lookin' Sharp. Wicked sharp.

Is that Pence?

Paradiso Girls - Patron Tequila

I was thinking to myself that AMDAL could use some throwback JOTWs. It's officially summer now so I naturally thought Nelly. But then I realized I hadn't heard a good Lil' Jon in a while. Or Eve, remember her? Where the F has she been? She was a semi-decent rapper, especially for a babe (but talk about regrettable tattoos, have you seen her double paw cleavage tats?)

And then, scanning the Internets, I found the gem below. It's got basically everything you need: Babes dancing while singing a song about drinking and throwing up, Best Buy plugs, the works. Oh, but what is that you say? Lil Jon & Eve are in it? Yeaaaaaah, OK.

With all the writhing, it may not be great Monday morning office fodder, but check it out when you get a chance (no, it's not worth turning the music on and then ctrl+tabbing away).

Dee Bag Lady

Quick Six Review- iPhone 3GS

So this is the first of many (hopefully) quick six reviews. I've been getting more and more "what should I buy" emails, so what better place to make gadget suggestions for my friends than AMDAL. I'm assuming that about 90% of you already have an iPhone and 100% know enough about the iPhone to make this review helpful. Here goes:

1. The "S" is for speed, and its for good reason. Its much faster than the 3G in so many ways - to the point where it makes sense to shell out more money to get the better processor. It makes doing everyday things much smoother and less frustrating, like the keyboard no longer has any lag when you first start typing.

2. The camera is actually good enough to use as a replacement for your point-and-shoot. To focus, you simply tap on the screen where you want to focus/set exposure and the camera quickly makes the appropriate readings. Also, video recording is much better than you'd think - 30 frames per second looks smooth and the auto-focus helps the clarity.


3. The compass is awesome - when you launch Google maps and hit the "Find Me" button twice, it orients the map to where you're pointing. This is especially useful when you're in a new place trying to figure out which way to start walking to find a cab.


4. The latest firmware (3.0) is really optimized for the 3GS, so it runs flawlessly on the new hardware. When using the new spotlight feature, search results are displayed almost instantly. This may be shameless self-promotion, but the wireless headphones I developed as a product manager for Motorola work amazingly well with the new 3.0 firmware: Motorla S305.

5. Open GL 2.0 support may not be so apparent right now, but when new games start coming out that utilize it, you'll appreciate the feature. The easiest way to think of it is 3G:3GS::PS:PS2. I already see a huge improvement in Tiger Woods PGA Tour, and it doesn't even utilize Open GL 2.0.

6. Voice Control - finally you can make calls without having to go to the phone, then contacts, then dial... all you have to do is hold down the home button and wait for the prompt. It works pretty well for me, but asking the iPhone to play a certain artist wasn't so hot.

The bottom line: I'm happy I paid the extra $299 to get the latest iPhone, so if you have $199 to $299 to blow on another iPhone, I would definitely suggest upgrading. Oh, and for you runners out there, the Nike+ support is pretty awesome, so that may be another reason to upgrade.

B-Real (of Cypress Hill) - "Fire ft. Damien (of Bob) Marley"

Liveblog: let the nerd-out begin

Leighton Meester update

With all the Megan Fox postings lately, it's quickly seeming like I forgot about my new love, Leighton Meester. Worry not. According to Perez, she has a sex tape.

Happy Friday.

Picture update: Sorry AOG

Random Thoughts

If I were a tattoo artist and a tramp walked into my parlor and asked for a little something on her lower-back, I'd oblige. But in the center of the design I'd add the word myopia, like in a sexy font. When she freaks out about it I'd respond, "Oh that? That's an answer to your child's question." When she explains that she doesn't even have a child yet, I'd retort, "Exactly."

Using the word literally to embellish a sentence that contains hyperbole, is literally the most annoying thing in the world.

In his Cairo speech, President Obama vowed that "no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other." I bet some really old Germans, Italians and Japanese heard that and thought: Wait, what? Do you even know how the war ended?

When hitting on women at a bar, I've found that it's unwise to divulge your unemployment status, especially within the first minutes of a conversation. But if you do, don't follow it up with: "But I blog."

You can learn a lot about a man's character by going on his computer, opening his internet browser and typing in the word you. If the autofill function comes up with something other than tube.com, you'll know what I mean.

Jewish Neuroticism

Who's a funny neurotic Jew from NY? Well, just about every comedian, worth his weight in matzo, of course. But it's tough to not think of Woody Allen when Jewish, NY, and neurotic all are tossed about in the same sentence. Who's another maybe even better one? Larry David.

There are a lot of similarities between the two actually. While everyone knows that George was based on good ol' LD, Jason Alexander originally played the character as an interpretation of Woody Allen. It's pretty obvious, in fact, if you go back and watch some early episodes.

Opening tomorrow in NY is a new Woody Allen movie, "Whatever Works," starring Larry David. We can only presume that this synergy will establish a new level of comedic and pathologic neuroticism that most of us can only dream of. Can't wait till it filters northward.

POGUE!

I read his awesome 3GS / iphone 3.0 software review here and figured I'd drop him a note.

David Pogue to me

show details 4:21 PM (16 minutes ago)

So glad you enjoyed it... Thanks so much for the note!

Dp

On 6/17/09 3:21 PM, MLR wrote:

I was very downbeat about Apple, but I'm feeling better after your upbeat and well written review.

Anyways, I'm a big fan. I've linked to your review a few times on my Dartmouth-centric blog and we all look forward to whatever you review next. Looking forward to the video review.

Thanks again.

Mike

PS: Fear of yodelers = Classic.

---
David Pogue
Tech Columnist, The New York Times
www.davidpogue.com
www.missingmanuals.com

Caption this!

Source: WWTDD

While you're at it, support Dartmouth

“Dartmouth creates a world-class product, discounts the price 54 percent, gives an additional discount for certain buyers... then begs for money.” —Ernie Parizeau ’79

Apparently Venture Capitalist Ernie Parizeau was quoted saying this at a recent Dartmouth trustee meeting. The Dartmouth College Fund responded by putting out this (seemingly expensive) video.

But it gets the point across, I think.



"There are those who love it."

Yea, Ernie - Daniel Webster told you, Wall Street and even Main Street, to suck it. Now cough it up.

The Hallmark Holiday Dilemma- Part I*

We don't really do Father's Day in my family. I send Gramps a nice card, Dad a nice card, make some phone calls, remind my brother to do the same & I'm good for another year. I go home as much as I can, I call often and I give the good scotch on "real" holidays. All in all- I think I do a good job when it comes to thanking the father figures in my life for doing a good job all these years.

But this year- I decided that I wanted to send gifts. I mean, why not? I like to shop and I'm a darn good present giver when the occasion arises. I've also been amazed recently at the number of emails I have gotten from various places with "GREAT" gifts for dad- so I started clicking around to see what people buy for Fathers' Day to see what I haven't been giving all these years.

The Beer Holster

The gift that says "Thanks for spending over $200K to send me to a top tier college where I learned every drinking game known... Let's drink beers together!" They say the extra elastic leg-strap is to help "secure your beer" but it really took the coolness factor down about 8 notches, to -3. Don't worry- upon further research, I found that you can upgrade to a custom made one for only $125-200.

The Collar Stay Set

At first I thought this was really nice and actually a good gift. Then I clicked on the image for a close up... WTF- Who would give this to their Dad?!?

I know the photo is blurry, but let me clarify by stating that the other 6 in the set say things like "I might if you ask me" or "That tie will be useful." NOT okay to give someone you are related to.

Ever.

The Rich Man's Change Bank

Even completely full, this thing (4" x 6") probably holds $200 tops and that would be straight quarters. I don't think it counts a "filthy rich" as this bank implies.

For the Handyman Dad

Although incredibly useful, I don't see any man, especially one who spends time where nuts, bolts & screws are found (ie- workshop, construction site, auto/mechanic shop or general man-of-the-house duty do-ing place) would be caught dead wearing this. Plus the one review made me even more concerned.

"I tried it out after I received it, and it works well. Planning on giving it as a Father's Day gift (the dad in question installs window treatments for a living, so I'm pretty sure this will be helpful). The red wasn't as great of a color, kinda dull - but that's the only complaint so far ..."

What other complaints could there be? And who gives a used gift? And even more then that, can all you boys/men out there answer me this: isn't half the joy of doing "man work" that fact that you managed to complete it even though you didn't read the directions and there may or may not be parts left over?

Not sure what to do, I looked up dilemma to see if I was being over dramatic in my blog title... not really. I am in fact between a rock and hard place. In the end, I chose to put my cards in the mail and call it a day... a markedly better choice then sending a someecard.

* Why is this post Part I? I think I'll make this an ongoing post. Kinda like Scos's Random Thoughts, but quite fitting since I believe in sending cards and/or presents for most holidays and random occasions. I'm the ultimate consumer- ARod loves that about me.