Uh...

1989 - Jhericurled, Coming To America-inspired Sammy Sosa:



May 2009 - Eddie Munsterish Sammy Sosa:



November 2009 - ??? Sammy Sosa:



I dunno, I just think it's a weird way for someone to pay tribute to a legend/show your excitement about an upcoming movie premier.

I think I'm falling in love.

Name: Elizabeth Lambert

Occupation: NCAA Women's Soccer Player/Hoodrat

Special Skills: Gouging eyes, pulling hair, bodyslamming, aggravated assault, not soccer

Favorite Music: Slipknot, DMX, crying babies, the sound of chainsaws

Dislikes: Girls of The Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints


Watching this video 17-18 times is the perfect way to end a long week.

Traveling is Fun!

Many people, especially those of us of the "broke phi broke" persuasion, eventually convince ourselves that we prefer taking the late-night subway to the simple, quick taxi.

We tell ourselves:

"Selves, we take the subway because we are mindful of our finances and constantly thinking about our futures. Anyway, taxi's are for snobs and we love the gritty urban world that is the NYC MTA. Boy do I love the subway!"

But sometimes we walk down into the happy abyss that is the subway station and are rudely greeted with this:




I mean... as much as I appreciate the honest heads up about the next sad hour of my sad existence, I'd rather be lied to and beaten in the neck by Kimbo Slice than told to wait 47 minutes for the L train.

Some blame Bloomberg. I blame Kanye.

UFO?! 6-Year Old!? Wife-Swap?!

So as of 4:15pm, the world knows that the 6-year old wunderkind known as Falcon Heene was NOT in the hot air balloon/UFO that floated around Colorado for 2 hours.

What most of the world does NOT know is that...

THE FAMILY WAS ON ABC's WIFE SWAP.

!!!!!!!!!

To learn more about legend-in-the-making Falcon and the rest of the Heene family, click here.

WIFE SWAP!

I Suddenly Love Pumas...

If you’ve taken the subway in NYC since the beginning of the summer, you’re probably familiar with Ms. Jessica L., Puma employee and rooftop shenanigan extraordinaire.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m just a boy, and often times the innuendos that get used at the big kids table go over my head.

Basically, I just need someone to advise me on this, mainly because I’m not-so-secretly in love with Jessica L.

When she says “50 partners,” that’s a reference to shoes, correct? She is talking about 50 pairs of shoes, no? I mean, that would make sense, right?

Surely she is not talking about 50 late night, tequila-induced bad decisions, is she? Is she?

I need to know the answer before I walk into her store tomorrow and propose.

If you’re of the straight female/gay male persuasion, any advice would be grand. If you’re aren’t, don’t even bother helping me, because I know you want her all for yourself.

God Bless that Jay-Z Song.

So sometimes I get sad.

And sometimes I forget how great this country is.

But then I watch the “Party in the U.S.A.” video, and everything is right in the world.



But then I get too happy and start losing touch with reality.

And then I listen to the “Education Connection” commercial on loop for 30 minutes while following along with the lyrics.



And then I realize how stupid this country can be.

So I get sad again.

So then I watch the “Party in the U.S.A.” video.

It's A TRAP!

I’ve always wondered how actors/actresses must feel when, in the middle of a project, they realize they are a part of some of the shoddiest material ever put on film. I pace around my apartment and think about this 2-3 hours a day (Solution #36 of how to psychologically deal with unemployment).

I wish I could have been inside of Eddie Murphy’s head halfway through the filming of The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

I would kill to read Kevin Costner’s diary entries circa 1997 when he was busy directing and starring in The Postman.

Alas, none of these dreams can come true. But starting tonight, I think it is safe to say we have another piece of art that is truly setting itself up to join this exclusive, “What in God’s name were you thinking when you made this you big dummy/times can’t be thaaaat rough, you don’t see me making irrational decisions like this/why do you hate yourself and everyone that stumbles upon this piece of crap” club.


At 9:30 EST, on ABC, Cougar Town finally hits television screens all over the country. The ads for the sitcom are relentless, from the uncomfortably unfunny commercials to the large-scale advertisements in every stop of the NYC.

This will be, mark my words, the worst television show of the decade. These are not numbers I’m throwing out there, willy-nilly. Not since 1996 has there been a more unexcusable slip through the cracks in the form of a television show that made it on air (1996’s Homeboys in Outer Space, god bless it’s soul).

Now, whether you know it or not, I happen to be an expert in cougars of the womanfolk persuasion, spending a significant part of my undergraduate career examining them and learning their ways, their hopes, and their dreams (“Seven Cougars that have changed my life for the better,” Oct. 31, 2008).

As the foremost twentysomething expert on cougars, I know for a fact that this—this thing—that I used to be so fond of on Friends is not a cougar. Cougars don’t try to be cougars, they just are—they were born that way. Helen Mirren doesn’t wake up every morning hoping to be attractive in the eyes of 22 year old boys. But she is, anyway, which makes her a cougar.

(a moment, please)



Tonight, I will be watching Cougar Town, and I hope to be alone in my masochistic endeavor. I will be watching it purely for scholarly purposes, nothing more. Do not fall victim to the traps of advertisement and boring Wednesday nights by watching this nonsense. It will probably ruin your fall, and remember, this is only Day 3. It’s that serious.