Good Movie/Better Movie: The Watchmen
Did everybody see The Watchmen? No? Okay, well I'm going to assume that you did.
Alright, fine, quick synopsis: The Watchmen is a movie about a bunch of pretty strong and fast dudes who fight crime in an alternate version of America wherein Nixon is president for life. In that way, it's like Futurama but way less hilarious and way longer. After one of the strong 'n' fast guys gets killed, the rest go bonkers trying to not die while attempting to save a society that doesn't abide their vigilantism.
Sounds interesting right? Well, kinda. It was a good movie but the long and the short of it is that the movie was way too long and way not short enough. Holy hell, did that thing drag on. What in the world could have saved the movie from becoming the snoozefest of the comic book movie genre?
Easy: The Tick.
For those of you who don't remember, the Tick was a comic but was most famous as a Saturday morning cartoon in the 1990s. In The Watchmen, there are no real super heroes. As I mentioned, it's just some costumed people who happen to be really strong and fast and not funny at all. Oh yeah, and one of them is probably God but don't worry about that. The Tick may not be God, but he would fit right in with the rest of them. He is both really strong and really fast but would also add to the movie insofar that he is super hilarious and bangs into crap and makes bold declarations about humanity that always derail before he's done**.
Look at the facts:
1) The Tick yells "SPOON!" at the top of his lungs while barreling into any and every battle situation. Why? Shut up, that's why! This tops Rorschach's Christian Bale-esque mumblings any day.
2) The Tick owns a capybara named "Speak" (because that's what he does). Capybaras are the world's biggest rodents. They smell; they're funny looking. None of the Watchmen have cool pets and the one guy that picked an animal for his costume ended up looking like a gay Batman.
3) The Tick is giant and blue, just like Dr. Manhattan. However, the Tick has the dignity not to spend every waking hour with his CGI-enhanced penis flopping around all over the place. Advantage: the Tick. Plus, look at the way he balances out the poster! It can't be coincidence that it looks so much better framed by blue guys.
So, you like heroes? The Tick is the greatest hero. You like action? The Tick hasn't met a person, place or thing immune to his unintentional brutality. You like giant blue guys? How about a movie with two giant blue guys? That would be like having double the smurfs in an episode, only giant!
How can you argue that the addition of the Tick wouldn't improve The Watchmen by a factor of a million? Answer: you can't.
We can only hope they make a sequel!
**Example: "You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad. You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness. Bad dog! Bad dog!"
A Government Program That Works? Say It Ain't So
Only some of you were lucky enough to have experienced my 1998 Dodge Grand Caravan. With over 200K miles and rust all over, that f**ker still did the job. It lugged my shit back and forth from College several times. It helped me move in to NYC. And it helped me high-tail it out of corporate life and back into peaceful (cabin feverish?) Hanover this past fall. It was only then, after its work had been done and it had watched me grow and mature when it decided to fail.
During Homecoming, while a p1edge was faithfully performing his duties as designated taxi driver for 10 intoxicated graduates, the brakes failed. Said p1edge warned me afterwards to which I responded, "Yea, it does that sometimes." To my surprise, he wasn't kidding - the brakes were toast and thereby the car was totaled. The caravan's days had finally come to an end.
After about a week of waffling, I decided to donate her to the Kidney Car program. I got some tax break (that I forgot to document this April), they took it off my hands and that was that.
Fast forward to this week: The economy is arguably in a better position than it was in October and I'm currently the proud owner of (so far, over half of) my Subamaru. Well wouldn't you know that it's also the week that Obama and Co. decide to institute the $1bn Cash for Clunkers program. In exchange for their old beater, Americans were eligible to receive $3,500 to $4,500 from Uncle Sam towards the purchase of a new vehicle with 4-10 mpg better than their old hunk of junk. And believe it or not - the program has already used up all it's funds. Well apparently the government is putting the program on hold while it's scrambling to figure out just how much is left, if any, and whether more fwoh should be allocated to the program.
Could it be true? An Obama administration stimulus program that works? Stimulating local businesses and the auto industry, consumer spending while at the same time making environmental improvements? Only time will tell. In the meantime, I'll be cursing the heavens at my sweet, shitty caravan, wondering why she couldn't hold on just a little longer.
Update: Looks like Congress is already pushing to increase the program's funds by another $2bn. Article here.
Caption This!
(Featured above is a glorious shot of AMDAL contributor scos, sprinting his spare tire off so he'd finish the grueling 2009 Nautica NYC Triathlon in less than 3 hours! Normally, such a feat, coupled with the fact that he lost 25+ pounds while training for his first triathlon, would be worthy of the prestigious Man Of The Week (MOTW) award. Unfortunately, MLR was too busy playing with his Nintendo Wii to take notice. It's a great pic though, ain't it? Happy captioning.)
Random Thoughts
Making eye contact with someone in a porn shop can be awkward. Especially when that someone is a cop, and DVD’s are falling out of your trench coat.
My elementary school teachers all used to say, “Form two single file lines.” Is that the same as one double file line? Why not just drop the whole "file thing" altogether? “Form two lines.” Teachers, how about it?
If you want to drive a stranger absolutely nuts, next time you go to the gym, start opening and closing lockers until you find one with clothes in it. Change into your gym outfit and place your bag and work clothes into the occupied locker. Lock it up, start your workout and think about all the confusion you'll cause.
In a recent press conference President Obama said, “So if… your child has a bad sore throat, or has repeated sore throats, the doctor may look at the reimbursement system and say to himself, ‘You know what? I make a lot more money if I take this kid's tonsils out.’” If this hypothetical is based on a personal experience, I think it’s time the Obamas find Sasha and Malia a new pediatrician. Not only do pediatricians not think this way, but they don't perform surgeries either.
I’ve always been fascinated by couples who film themselves having sex together. I even toyed with the idea myself, but then I thought, What if the video somehow makes it onto the internet, where millions of people could watch? And then I thought, Maybe I should toy with the idea a little more.
A Hotter Pocket
Hot dough + meat + cheese = perhaps the culinary world’s most universally appreciated ménage trois. Unfortunately when you make any attempt to eat somewhat healthfully or cook your own food the world of pizza, hot pockets and the Domino’s Pasta Bolognese bread bowl (REALLY AMERICA?) should probably be the first things to go. Any attempt greening up your eating habits by cutting beef or just being lactarded (woe is me) also put a big damper on the fun. But fret no more budding chefs, here is a DELICIOUS, filling, lactose-free recipe incorporating the holy trio without stretching out your skinny jeans, killing cows or buying obscure vegan products.
Tex Mex Calzones – adapted from “Cooking Light” Magazine
Ingredients
1 bag whole wheat (or regular) pizza dough – found in freezer, let thaw.
Cabot cheese (IS LACTOSE FREE) – low fat types recommended
Lean ground turkey meat – enough for about 2 big burgers
Fajita mix (Taco Bell, Old El Paso packet or any brand in seasonings section works)
1 red bell pepper – chopped
1/3 onion – chopped
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees
2. Put frying pan over medium high heat and spray generously with Pam
3. Stir fry onions, peppers and turkey until turkey is cooked through (no longer pink)
4. Add 2/3 fajita mix packet and about a 1/3 cup of water and mix all together
5. Cook for another minute or two.
6. In the meantime cut your bag of dough into four pieces, roll out each piece (if you don’t have a rolling pin use a wine bottle or Pam spray can – coat surface with flour if dough is sticky.)
7. Place ½ cup of turkey mixture on each piece and top with a sprinkle of cheese, fold over dough to create calzone.
8. Cover a baking tray with tinfoil (so you don’t have to clean it later), spray tinfoil with Pam. Put calzones on tray.
9. Place tray in oven and cook for 10 minutes
10. Serve calzones with fat free Greek yogurt (sour cream sub) and salsa
11. Eat and watch with delight as your 3 other dinner guests look at you like you just invented the cheese filled pizza crust.
Wii Sports II: Sports Resort
Remember when the line "Hey, want to check blitz in my room?" actually worked as a closing line? No more thanks to the smartPhone*. What about the line "Hey, want to come over and play Wii Sports?" So played out.
Well fear not, because Wii Sports II:
So put away your cheesy pick up lines because the Wii is back and will be sure to get you laid**.
*No cell phones in the basement?
**If that falls through, at least you can play with your new ultra-sensitive wiimote (Gobble)
Unsolicited, but Fun, Office Update
Well, the leak in my ceiling has been fixed and they patched it up. Painters are coming tomorrow to put a fresh coat on the ceiling and all is well. Looks, pretty good compared to last week, huh?
Never a dull day at the office, my daily "to do"s range from budget planning meetings to lunches with people who want to throw a couple million in fwoh* my way, meeting with physicians to try to determine what staffing and clinical space needs they have and so on.
Today, 3 large boxes arrived from Barneys. Normally, this would be a happy occasion but today it was even more exciting. I hoped and prayed that the boxes were what I thought they were. Cracked the first one open and saw a tiny pair if blue shoes... JACKPOT!
Task of the afternoon: finding 500 new homes for some pudgy little friends who have interesting choices when it comes to accessories.
Departments of Pediatric Emergency Medicine, here I come- smiling spuds for everyone!!!
Never a dull day at the office, my daily "to do"s range from budget planning meetings to lunches with people who want to throw a couple million in fwoh* my way, meeting with physicians to try to determine what staffing and clinical space needs they have and so on.
Today, 3 large boxes arrived from Barneys. Normally, this would be a happy occasion but today it was even more exciting. I hoped and prayed that the boxes were what I thought they were. Cracked the first one open and saw a tiny pair if blue shoes... JACKPOT!
Task of the afternoon: finding 500 new homes for some pudgy little friends who have interesting choices when it comes to accessories.
Departments of Pediatric Emergency Medicine, here I come- smiling spuds for everyone!!!
*thanks Scos.
So, What Do You Drink?
Unless you've been living under a rock for the past two weeks, you probably heard about this whole "Gatesgate" brouhaha. If you did, you were probably like me and thought, "Can we please stop with that annoying -gate suffix?" If you didn't, here's a quick recap: On July 16, Henry Louis Gates Jr., a black professor at Harvard University, was arrested at his home by Sgt. James Crowely, a white Cambridge police officer, for disorderly conduct. Crowley was responding to a neighbor's report that someone was trying to break into the professor's home. Turns out that someone was the professor himself, who had difficulty opening a jammed door.
The incident received national attention when Barack Obama commented on the affair in a July 22 news conference focusing, strangely, on health care. Prefacing his answer with admissions that he was "biased" and that he "didn't know all the facts," Obama stoked a lot of controversy by saying that the Cambridge Police "acted stupidly in arresting someone when there was already proof they were in their own home." Two days later Obama gave another press conference in which he regretted his choice of words and wished he had calibrated them differently. Yeah, the Infallible One kinda duffed it. But while Obama never officially apologized for his remarks, all was not lost. Tomorrow, Crowley and Gates will visit the White House to talk about the incident - and presumably race relations in general - over a beer.
Now we could debate who was right and who was wrong and what should have happened, but I'd rather guess what kind of beer they're going to drink. I overheard a guy on the subway this morning say "Black and Tans, definitely." That was a nice politically incorrect answer. Personally I think it'd be funny if each guy brought his own case of Milwaukee's Best, Keystone Light or Natty Ice and they all got absolutely blitzed playing quarters, flip-cups and Kings. I'm not sure if it would help race relations in our country, but the image of those three, drunkenly falling over one another, saying slurred garbled stuff like, "No man, you're the dumbass if you choose Michael Turner over Adrian Peterson with your first pick!" would definitely make me laugh.
So, what do you think?
To help, here are some betting odds, calculated by the venerable NY Post:
Empire of the Sun - "Eclipse Broadcast"
Did you know there's such a thing as SPF 70 sunblock? It's a little ridiculous when apparently "an SPF of 50 only provides 1% to 2% more protectionthan an SPF 30." That said, if the sun god (or his musical equivalent above) wears zinc all over his upper face, you have to second guess everything you think you know about protection. You also have to watch the video.
When I found this clip on Kanye's blog, I initially skipped it because the screenshot I saw above looked a bit too weird for me. Human swordfish, pyramid people and a guy wearing a giant magnet hat while playing the guitar didn't exactly seem JOTW material. And then I played the song. It is weird, don't get me wrong, but in the post-MJ era, it's nice to hear a little funk now and then. Listen close enough and you can hear
Either way, it's a fun video to watch and equally fun song(s?) to listen to. But you want a buddy handy. That way they can get your back. Yea...that's the spot...
Random Thoughts
Before I could officially register for the NYC Triathlon, I had to attend a Mandatory Age Group Briefing that covered safety and logistics. The speaker opened by saying, “This is a brief, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do here – keep it brief.” He then proceeded to tell a ten-minute anecdote that had nothing to do with triathlons, safety or logistics.
If I were a gynecologist, the comfort of my patients would be my principal concern. That’s why I’d make sure my exam room had plenty of comforting amenities, like incense, champagne and soothing music – you know, something by Usher or Enrique Iglesias.
If you’re not sure who to vote for in an election, I think a good strategy is to find out whom your favorite celebrity endorses, and go with the other guy.
How come when I shave, completely naked in the men’s room at my gym, no one bats an eye, but when I do the same thing in the men’s room at Penn Station, I’m suddenly a pervert? I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with trains.
The most annoying part of having Time Warner cable is when your box malfunctions and the screen blacks out every couple seconds. While I still basically understand what’s going on, the glitch eally takes away from my overall viewing experience. Fortunately, after some time, the box fixes itself and things return to normal.
Hat Tip: PhishyEel
Netbook Triple-Dome
I’ve been taking advantage of Best Buy for years, but their 30-day return policy is great for picking out the computer that’s right for you. I first bought the HP 1035NR, which I used for two weeks before exchanging it for the newly released Gateway LT3103U. After having problems with the Gateway, I finally landed on the Asus 1005HA – which I absolutely love. This is the first gadget dome, so let me know if this review is useful to you and what you’d like to see in these posts in the comments.
1. Price: The HP mini takes the cake here at $329, but the added tech in the Gateway ($399) was worth the $70. I arrived at the Asus ($399) not by price, but because of the reasons below.
2. Portability: I would say this is a toss up between the HP and the Asus – the HP is a bit smaller than the Asus, but both can easily be thrown in any bag. The Gateway, having an 11.6” screen compared to the 10.1” on the other two, made the netbook more like a notebook (the 6-cell battery also sticks out the back, adding size and weight).
3. Battery Life: This was the main reason for going through two netbooks before deciding on the Asus – it has a remarkable 10.5 hour 6-cell battery. Although I’ve never achieved that much on a charge, I have used the netbook past 7 hours (dim screen, Bluetooth off, and power settings set to max battery life). The other two netbooks would get between 2 and 3 hours, which just wasn’t enough for this type of device.
4. Windows 7 compatibility: I’m sure everyone here has heard about the next generation of Windows, but basically its Vista the way it should have been, and optimized for netbooks specifically. Win 7 runs pretty much seamlessly on the HP and Asus, but was a pain getting it working with the Gateway (another big reason for making another drive to Best Buy to return it).
5. Aesthetics: Totally subjective, but I think the Asus is curvier and nicer looking than the HP. The Gateway is just ugly. One thing, though, the piano black finish on these things attracts hair and dust like nothing else, which is kind of annoying.
6. Overall hardware: The Asus and HP are basically the same internally, whereas the Gateway is quite a bit beefier inside (graphics card, bigger screen, 64-bit processor). The Asus may have been a downgrade on paper, but it delivers a much better netbook experience.
Conclusion: If you’re playing with the idea of buying one of these mini-laptops, I would recommend the Asus 1005HAP, hands down (be sure you get the HAP, not HAB or HAV). Don’t expect to be playing games or doing any video editing on these things, but I can tell you first hand they can play HULU and Youtube in standard-def perfectly well. Here it is on Amazon: Asus 1005HAP.
UPDATE: It looks like your purchase will last a little while longer, as Asus and Acer just announced they won't be pushing out any new netbooks until 2010: Gizmodo. Also, for Mac lovers, the Mac Tablet is rumored to be coming out before Christmas, so this could potentially rival the PC netbook: Financial Times.
Yesterday America's Sweetheart Exited Stage Right
"On a hunch, I reviewed online lists of all the men and women who’ve been elected governor of their state since the year 1900. Pored [sp] over them for a few hours. Over 1200 politicians have taken that first-term oath of office. Some soon died in office. Many resigned to accept other positions in government, including Spiro Agnew who was “tapped” by Nixon after being the Governor of Maryland for about five minutes. On a handful of occasions, a first-termer was dragged off to the slammer or impeached. One was incapacitated by a nervous breakdown and one left just as impeachment came knocking on his door. So—how many out of over 1200 just up and quit before the end of their term?
Three: Jim McGreevy, Eliot Spitzer and Sarah Palin." --from a submission to Andrew Sullivan
How Does This Not Exist: Metropolitan Hand Signal Edition
As a lifelong city dweller, I’ve always felt that we’re a highly-evolved subsection of the human race. We’ve seen, heard and experienced just about all there is. Whether its the aftermath of September 11th or walking into a bar that you heard has a great happy hour only to find yourself surrounded by drag queens, we’ve been conditioned to deal with pretty much every scenario that’s put in front of us. We live in complete isolation from nature, have widely adopted a hybrid of breakfast and lunch that is consumed only on weekends, can text on our iPhones while walking without fat fingering a single word and somehow devised a way to make our under paid, over-taxed bodies work 12 hour days without revolt (Have to pay that exorbitant rent somehow, right?). We can dodge taxis without breaking a sweat and I’ve even heard our stomachs have developed unique enzymes aiding in the digestion of late-night pizza.
And for all of the above reasons it blows my mind that what I’m about to suggest doesn’t already exist. You would think that in places where there are millions upon millions of like-minded people crammed into such small areas, there would be some interest in looking out for others in hope that they will do the same for you. To that end, I propose we band together and create a system of discreet hand symbols to be used in the face of impending city-specific annoyances. It would be like the face-to-face equivalent of flashing your high beams at someone to tell them their lights aren’t on. This brilliant idea occurred to me when I was walking down Third Avenue the other day and came across a homeless man, sprawled out across the entire sidewalk, pants around his knees, surrounded by empty liquor bottles. I wanted a way to warn a nice looking elderly couple I encountered shortly thereafter without ever having to utter the phrase “homeless penis.” I couldn’t think quickly enough, and alas, I’m pretty sure this scene is now haunting Myrtle’s dreams.
Now I’m not saying we reinvent American sign language here, but lets say a tug on the left ear could mean, “Man up ahead using phone booth as a toilet for something that it is so beyond a number 2 I don’t think it ranks on the scale.” Or, say, wiping your brow from left to right could signal, “Don’t even bother trying to use this subway entrance because you’re going to get to the bottom of the stairs and realize it’s totally blocked off.” A two-finger salute could translate to, “Ethnic Pride Parade blocking 5th Ave from 59th to 72nd. Seek alternate route.” And a tap on each shoulder could communicate, “Construction site up ahead. Avoid this route if you don’t like being leered at by burly men. Although maybe you’re into that kind of thing and if so, no judgment.” Really, the opportunities are endless – it’s a subtle way to be a good samaritan while still maintaining a surly, annoyed city-dweller exterior.
That said, I think this is a big opportunity for, oh I don’t know, someone who might be looking for a creative edge on his 4th run for mayor. So, leave a comment if you’re reading Mayor Bloomberg. Clearly I’ve had a lot of time to think about this…
For Your Consideration
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The roadtrip is over, and at this point all we have are memories...and one lingering question which was debated extensively in the Grand Marquis. Would you rather give up shorts or t-shirts for the rest of your life (if you had to give up one)? The consensus was to give up t-shirts, largely for practicality reasons. Without access to t-shirts, you could conceivably make do with polo shirts, jerseys, and SOGO, whereas in the absence of shorts you would be that dufus forever playing recreational athletics in long pants.* And that would be a shameful fate.
However, on further consideration, there is an X-factor associated with t-shirts: they often bear considerable sentimental value. It would be devastating to lose the worn through City Sports shirt I've had since 10th grade, my Wheelock United shirts (gray and black editions), or even my newly acquired Metro Soccer shirt (where did I get that shirt from??). Shorts may be practical, but sometimes you have to go with your heart. Stuff White People Like discussed the importance of t-shirts with great clarity back when that website was still something that white people liked, so I will simply provide the link rather than steal their material. But please give this question some thought because it is important.
*Have you noticed that Obama always seems to wear pants when he plays bball? He might as well throw on some rec-specs and complete the Old Man Playing Ball at the YMCA look. I blame Reggie Love for this. He is supposed to looking out for POTUS on these sorts of things, how does he let this slide? Get the man some hoops shorts.
Presented without Comment
From Sunday's NYT magazine:
"Nisan is part of a thriving subculture of men and women in Japan who indulge in real relationships with imaginary characters. These 2-D lovers, as they are called, are a subset of otaku culture— the obsessive fandom that has surrounded anime, manga and video games in Japan in the last decade. It’s impossible to say exactly what portion of otaku are 2-D lovers, because the distinction between the two can be blurry. Like most otaku, the majority of 2-D lovers go to work, pay rent, hang out with friends (some are even married). Unlike most otaku, though, they have real romantic feelings for their toys. The less extreme might have a hidden collection of figurines based on anime characters that they go on “dates” with during off hours. A more serious 2-D lover, like Nisan, actually believes that a lumpy pillow with a drawing of a prepubescent anime character on it is his girlfriend."
Jigga 4 Prez in 2012
The battle between two perennial JOTW-contenders, Jay-Z and the Game, has recently elevated to epic levels. One foreign policy analyst and professor thinks that he understands why: Jay-Z has been studying international relations theory.
(http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106857447)
Money Quote:
The difference today is that we're in a uni-polar world with the United States on top. In the rap world, Jay-Z is that guy.
The Game is the erratic wildcard.
"He's North Korea; he's Iran," Lynch says. "He might not win, but he can hurt you if he drags you down into this extended occupation, this extended counterinsurgency campaign."
My questions, for all of you AMDAL commenters to ponder: Could we populate an entire world map with rapper-led state actors? What about Little Wayne (China?) and Cudi (Vietnam?) ???
Would Nas (of Black Republican fame) have made a better VP than Sarah Palin?
For more on the fascinating realization that when blogging about rap instead of foreign policy, increases readership, check out http://lynch.foreignpolicy.com/
Jeremih - "Birthday Sex"
Happy Birthday.
The more misogynistic ("First Date Sex") but highly recommended remix by AMDAL's favorite, Mike Posner, here.
Good Movie/Better Movie: The Hangover
I'd like to present the first of what I'm hoping will be a fun series of Photoshopped movie posters that I'm going to call "Good Movie/Better Movie."
In this piece, I began with the runaway comedic hit, The Hangover, and did my best to present what I feel would have been an enhanced version of the already successful original movie. As much as I enjoyed The Hangover in its original form, I couldn't help but feel that there were some missing elements. Specifically in this case, I'm referring to monkeys: the brilliant hairy clowns of the animal kingdom.
The inclusion of a monkey in The Hangover would have been an improvement in several ways.
First, it would have made Alan's (Zach Galifianakis) task of carrying the baby or--as I would have it--monkey, a much more eventful experience. It must be remembered that monkeys don't care to be carried around by people. Although Alan dealt with the pain of a right cross from Mike Tyson, I would have enjoyed seeing him cope with walking around with an enraged beast strapped to his body. I think it would have been fun to observe the monkey clawing at his face and pooping on his chest as he attempted to navigate the sun-soaked streets of Las Vegas. I think you would have as well.
Second, I would have loved the philosophical conundrum that the audience would be confronted with as the gang returned the monkey to Jade the stripper (Heather Graham). That conundrum, of course, would be, "Why does this stripper own a monkey?" Imagine walking into a blockbuster comedy only to be confronted with this sort of bewilderment. Is there an answer to this question or did the film's creator just make the greatest absurdist masterpiece since "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead?" The question only leads to more questions! "Do all strippers have monkeys?" "Is monkey ownership even legal in Nevada?" "Is the monkey part of her stripping act? Like does she start out dressed like a zookeeper or a safari adventurer and then take her clothes off? Because, now that I think about it, that could be totally sexy!" Pure genius.
Third, I would have the monkey wearing an oversize cowboy hat with a big star that says, "Sheriff" on it. This improves on the baby in a couple of ways. First, it proposes the idea that a monkey could be the sheriff of a human town which, in its ludicrousness, is absolutely hilarious. Also, it makes the monkey look ridiculous and adds an additional element of "stuff that monkeys don't like which riles them up." We already know that this is funny from the earlier example of the monkey being carried around by Alan. In this case, I'm talking about hats in general, much less hats of the oversize, cowboy variety. Monkeys hate them! It's a proven fact that animal + things animals don't like = comedy gold. Take "tiger + hotel bathroom," which was so successful in the original as a prime example. I rest my case; the cowboy hat stays.
Thank you for taking into consideration my first edition of "Good Movie/Better Movie." I hope that you will agree that my version would have been far superior to an already wonderful original film.
We can only hope they make a sequel! (You guys, that's gonna be my tag line!)
Who Done It? The SEC's Own Little Mystery
I was going to wait until September 1st to prepare everyone for the other important relationship in life besides ARod- my love affair with college football and the best team ever- The Florida Gators.
"I probably have more respect for him than anybody I've ever met" – Dan Mullen of
Who then, didn’t support the conference’s best and most likeable guy?
Never one to say “I messed up,” Spurrier relayed a story to several people about how he called the SEC on Thursday night to change his ballot from Ole Miss’ JEvan Snead to Tim Tebow. I know it’s
Needless to say, I’m excited to see what Spurrier has to say for himself in the press conference today. I hope he got his tickets for the gunshow... cause we're comin' for him.
Chomp Chomp Chomp!
Random Thoughts
Claiming the solution to soaring health costs is more government is like claiming the solution to obesity is more cheese fries.
The words “palimony” and “parsimony” are similar in that they both start with “pa,” they both end in “mony,” and I don’t know the meaning of either.
If you’re relieving yourself at a urinal and a man brings his 3-year old daughter into the restroom and she points at you and says, “Daddy, what’s he doing?” I’ve found it’s best to bite your tongue and let the father explain.
I wonder if kids growing up in NYC are taught to “look one way” before crossing the street.
It’s shocking how sexist the media can be in its coverage of celebrity deaths. An example: for the past four weeks radio stations played Michael Jackson hits non-stop and yet, during that very same period, I didn’t hear a single song by Farrah Fawcett.
A Little Sizzle
Welcome to a new “lifestyle” addition to AMDAL --- hold on to your hats… it's a cooking section! In an attempt to spice things up and introduce some of you to your inner top chef, I wanted to provide some easy recipes for the college grad with minimal cooking skills and even less kitchen space. Hopefully I can help assuage your fear of the stove and even get you some brownie points on your next date by adding some easy and delicious recipes into your arsenal. Recession friendly and fairly healthy, these recipes aim to ease your dependency on take out and provide your waistline a much needed break from endless parade of office birthday cakes.
In an effort to start at the VERY beginning, this first breakfast egg "recipe" could be made by a 5 yr old with stove privileges and is prominently featured in the 2005 movie “V for Vendetta."
Not only is this ridiculously simple but it is the PERFECT hangover cure… master this and you are sure to impress roommates or over night guests to the extent of … "he made me breakfast! Awwwwww."
Here we go...
Egg in a Hole
Ingredients/Supplies
- 1 egg
- 1 piece bread (whole grain =best)
- Pam (cooking spray)
- 1 frying pan
- Take top of Pam bottle and cut out a round circle in piece of bread (save circle.)
- Spray pan with Pam and put on stove over medium heat, put bread on stove and carefully crack egg into cut out circle. Place circle of bread on pan to cook at same time.
- Flip both pieces after about 2 minutes and let cook two more minutes on the other side.
- Salt, pepper and serve (franks red hot sauce recommended)
- Use grilled circle piece to sop up runny yoke (insert dirty joke here. Orrrr leave it in the comments)
Things That Perplex Me: Facebook
I have very few claims to fame. Now that joining the ranks of AMDAL bloggers can be added to the list, I think the grand total is four. These stunning accomplishments include my current undefeated status in pong (just don’t ask how many times I’ve played if you want to remain impressed), a record for the world’s longest awkward stage (no seriously – it started when I was eight and I’m pretty sure it’s still going on), and perhaps most importantly, that Mark Zuckerberg’s girlfriend was my high school lab partner. Yes, THE Mark Zuckerberg – Harvard drop-out and founder of Facebook. This, combined with the fact that my good friend Goldy works in the FB customer service department are two reasons why I’m endlessly able to justify the inordinate amount of time I spend cruising around this social networking wasteland.
I’ve never really questioned my motives – I’ve just been doing what any good former lab partner would do. By keeping Facebook alive and well, I’m continuing to ensure that my friend can fly around the world to lavish vacation spots, attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner despite no apparent involvement in politics or correspondence of any sort and generally live the good life until whenever the next dotcom bubble bursts. But today, an email from a friend’s mother forced me to reevaluate the role FB plays in my life and in the world at large. She wanted to apologize for friending me because she felt that, as an older adult, she didn’t fit into my Facebook world and was intruding on whatever community I had built for myself there.
But Facebook is no longer the voyeuristic place it used to be when we were in college – a way to anonymously stalk quasi-acquaintances or piece together hazy weekends. It ceased to be the virtual tabloid I knew and loved. (I imagine that when one friend found out his lady was cheating on him via the background of pictures posted after a particularly rowdy party, he felt the same way Jennifer Anniston did when she saw those first shots of Brad and Ang together in Malawi.) People started to catch on that when your photos and thoughts became public property, so did your shame and embarrassment.
But then things shifted. Just yesterday my coworker was telling me how she joined FB for the sole purpose of checking out this guy she has a crush on, but much to her chagrin, his page was private. Following the preliminary period of over-sharing came a backlash wave of überprivacy. After my sister had one particularly nasty Facebook-fueled run in with a ruthless Boston newspaper (cough cough Herald), she made it so you couldn’t even find her profile. It was the online version of, “Don’t call me. I’ll call you…”
So now, for me at least, Facebook has evolved into a marketing tool that I try to sell in to clients, a platform for polite sharing of photography from trips with the familia de Sweens, a way to stay current with a prodigious number of engagement announcements (don’t even get me started) and a one-stop shop for the contact information of anyone I’ve ever known since pre-school. All of my meaningful engagement with friends happens in real life, not on walls or by sending virtual gifts. And this makes me wonder if Facebook has finally ceased to be useful to me, and almost as importantly, if it’s stopped being fun. I can host photos on Flikr and talk to my friends on the phone. And wouldn’t my life be a little bit better without the sadness I feel when I realize I’m looking through someone’s photo album who I don’t even know?
I’m not sure I’m ready to take the “unsubscribe” plunge quite yet, but if I were Mark Zuckerberg, I’d think about cutting back on that next trip to the Maldives.
Up in next week's installment of Things That Perplex Me: Why do random German men keep following me on Twitter?
Liveblog: Meta Edition
Per MLR's request, this is me in the process of writing my first ever AMDAL blog post. Please take note of how "hip" and "cool" my office is. We use Macs.
Greatest of thanks to the team for having me aboard. I look forward to running the gauntlet for the first time at some point in the very near future.
P.S. I refuse to come up with a clever AMDAL moniker for myself, as I believe making up one's own nickname is not how one keeps it real. But that's not to say I'm not open to suggestions.
Cherrypicking NYMAG: Apatow
NYMag's Culture Vulture has long been imitating AMDAL. I don't know why they do this. They're constantly stealing our ideas about mom jeans and Kanye. This time, I turn the tables and steal their content (attributed).
Earlier this month, MLR posted the trailer for the upcoming Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler/Seth Rogan movie, "Funny People." While I'm not especially excited about this one ("40-Year-Old Virgin" = great, "Knocked Up"= excellent in parts, but "Talledaga Nights, "Semi-Pro," etc.= not as good as they might have been), I am much more intrigued after Apatow's recent forum at the Museum of the Moving Image. The best excerpt:
On the original script for Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy:
Basically, it was about anchormen flying to an anchorman convention. Mid-flight, they hit some sort of UPS plane and they crash into a mountain and it becomes like the movie Alive. All the anchormen start dying, they start eating each other. And occasionally, the contents of the UPS plane — which was monkeys and throwing stars — start attacking their base camp. And we sent that around, and it was SO funny, but we couldn't get anyone to make it.
WWJS'03D?
A source of great consternation to me personally with my impending move to the far coast will be the enforced separation from my beloved Mets. As I'm sure Derr and Dorkey among others will tell you, being a Metropolitans fan has been difficult work over the past few years, but the events of the last few weeks may just ease the blow of leaving this once-proud franchise behind (actually, I take that back-- I'm not sure if they've ever been proud. Perhaps often-embarrassing would be better here). Epic collapses in the past three years were compounded at the outset of this season by a poorly constructed team and the lingering sense that ownership was striving to field a squad that would be just competitive enough to keep Citi Field full of Czechvar-swilling Shake-Shack eating patrons without doing what it took to put together a championship-caliber team. This has been completely borne out, with the added bonus of an avalanche of injuries and now... clubhouse fight club!
Yes, that is the second highest ranking official in the Mets front office stripping off his shirt and challenging a bunch of 20-year old AA prospects to fight. Unfortunately none of the players took him up on this laying-of-the-gauntlet (perhaps wise, as Bernazard reportedly is close with the owner's mouthbreather son).
Ps! guys have traditionally been lovers and bed-hosers rather than fighters, but I'd like to think that if this had been in our clubhouse, things would have turned out a bit differently. Hence the title of the post... What Would J. Smith '03 Do? Leave your guesses in the comments-- anonymously if you're timid or fearful of "telnet"!
A Post for the People... Better Late the Never
Good morning AMDALers! Happy Thursday.
For starters, I whole-heartedly apologize to anyone who was offended by my post last week- mainly by the *s and side-commentary. I had full intent of people realizing it was meant to stir things up and I knew I'd have to back it up with more comments to keep it going. What I didn't intend to happen was for people to take it seriously and even more so, take it off-line and blow it out of proportion. After receiving a phone call around 3:30pm about the tension it was causing amongst friends/AMDAL readers, I decided that I would take down my posts- bushleague or not, apparently it needed to happen. I didn't delete them, just unpublished them and they can all go back up if people want them to.
Very few of you know me, but those who did emailed me and asked me what was going on with AMDAL, where my posts went, why I went MIA, etc. In an effort to clear up what I write seriously and don't write seriously, I will put ^ next to things that are jokes for the remainder of this post so you can get to know me a little bit better. I can't use * b/c I need those to give call-outs and I don’t want to taint their good usage- AMDAL is 50% self-call, 50% call-out, leaving it 100% “call” and a slave to the *. Sorry for any confusion this may cause.
Why address it now? People are still asking me what the heck happened. Rather then write a bunch of emails, here's the dealie (sorry for the lengthy post also, but there are photos to make it fun- I hear those go over well):
Yes- MLR and I had a very candid email exchange about the post & it was not the first time we disagreed about something AMDAL related.*
No- of course he didn't take down my posts. You people can be such sillykins. I don't think he would ever do that -not a challenge for to put something up to see where the limits are... He asked me if I cared how he addressed the mob, I suggested he post our entire email chain. He didn't and I think it was a cop-out.
I took down my posts not for lack of pride, but for lack of purpose in the big picture which was totally and completely missed. Either you are retarded or else you actually were offended- I still feel badly about it, especially if you are in fact retarded because now I just offended you again. ^
99% of the stuff posted on here by everyone is pretty darn funny and most of it is blatantly offensive, even clever at times. When I started on AMDAL, I was the lone ranger of female posters- I think I still am actually. Probably the only thing I have in common with most of you on here is ARod and even then it's a different relationship. The purpose of the JS post was to make some outright, blatant, ridiculously one-sided statements to drive up some readership and hopefully get y'all to pass the link around to various "newbies" to AMDAL... why would I put something up that was so incendiary**? Because I want MLR & AMDAL to succeed and in blogland that happens with lots of hits and new visitors.
To be honest, I really couldn't figure out what the big deal was. After just about a week worth of dealing with the fallout, I realize that I need to clarify a few things. Add to that the past few days worth of posts and the same confusion is still present on my end of this whole "cat fight" I'm part of. To be clear: None of my posts are aimed at alienating the female fans. What still perplexes me is the following (and hopefully will open up some interesting dialogue- b/c that's what AMDAL is about- discussing politics, pop culture, friends' snafoos, photos and stories):
(A) The females who read AMDAL usually are pretty quiet. As a woman, I guess I'm not supposed to say anything that can be considered degrading to women. However, what I think is “normal” banter makes many of you angry and what you think “should be” actually offends me. Quite the predicament we’re in… kinda like this:
To be honest, I really couldn't figure out what the big deal was. After just about a week worth of dealing with the fallout, I realize that I need to clarify a few things. Add to that the past few days worth of posts and the same confusion is still present on my end of this whole "cat fight" I'm part of. To be clear: None of my posts are aimed at alienating the female fans. What still perplexes me is the following (and hopefully will open up some interesting dialogue- b/c that's what AMDAL is about- discussing politics, pop culture, friends' snafoos, photos and stories):
(A) The females who read AMDAL usually are pretty quiet. As a woman, I guess I'm not supposed to say anything that can be considered degrading to women. However, what I think is “normal” banter makes many of you angry and what you think “should be” actually offends me. Quite the predicament we’re in… kinda like this:
Wow- Y’all got pissed by the JS post. If this were a study in gender and society, we just had a breakthrough. I knew that calling out certain people and making some bold statements would get things going. I didn't expect was to be splayed out for pointing out a few "society norms" that could help JS keep a man. Was my post right or wrong? The jury is still out. But we did have a lively day on AMDAL- successful post in my book.
I stand by my actions- it was a quality post, it was funny if you could see past your knee whapping you in the face***^ and it was framed off all stuff that some of you have said to me before in person, as well as written about on AMDAL: yay for hot girls, fat girls are not attractive, girls are dumb but men don't care, and repeated most often: men like women best when they're drunk and in the bedroom/ upstairs in a frat. (see here,here, here, here, here ,here, here, here and here for a few examples. I only made it through a couple months before I got tired of the ol' copy/paste).
(B) AMDAL is supposed to be a place for free speech and posting whatever you feel like when you're bored at work, on vacation, having a great time at NSACAR races^ and so on. If you’re going to get offended at me, get offended at everyone. Case in point: I have been told to “express your opinions like Scos does” on the blog. I’m sorry- I just hallucinated. You want me to express myself like Scos? The same Scos that I know?
Most of you know Scos- he's kinda an asshole. I have the luxury of knowing him for quite a few years now, so he’s become known to my friends in NYC as that “really cute asshole guy from your soccer team”^ and rarely do I take anything he says seriously because well, it's Scos. I don’t know about you, but enjoy him just the way he is.
He's called every Dartmouth girl disgusting, fat, un-hookupable, etc. - I actually don't think he has said anything nice about Dartmouth girls except for Liz because she put up with him (thanks, Liz!). In his last Random Thoughts, he offended every race in one paragraph- impressively done, Sir - and yet no one had a problem with that either. I say that good girlfriends should be domestic and take a couple digs at Jessica Simpson (who presumably none of you know, but I could stand corrected) and somehow I morphed into pure evil, setting women’s rights back 45 years.****
(C) This is a blog. If you get totally worked up about it, relax a little. It's just a blog- I think we all have to keep this in mind when we are reading & commenting- myself included- because everyone on here is someone's friend. In my case, I'm someone's girlfriend and I'll try to take into consideration that my 1950's way of life is slightly offensive to my boo’s ^ liberal, Mason Dixon crossing, Sam Adam’s drinking, iPhone using, pot smoking, tree hugging friends.^(x5) I’m sure there’s an iPhone app that could give me guidelines, but I take a blackberry.
I stand by my actions- it was a quality post, it was funny if you could see past your knee whapping you in the face***^ and it was framed off all stuff that some of you have said to me before in person, as well as written about on AMDAL: yay for hot girls, fat girls are not attractive, girls are dumb but men don't care, and repeated most often: men like women best when they're drunk and in the bedroom/ upstairs in a frat. (see here,here, here, here, he
(B) AMDAL is supposed to be a place for free speech and posting whatever you feel like when you're bored at work, on vacation, having a great time at NSACAR races^ and so on. If you’re going to get offended at me, get offended at everyone. Case in point: I have been told to “express your opinions like Scos does” on the blog. I’m sorry- I just hallucinated. You want me to express myself like Scos? The same Scos that I know?
Most of you know Scos- he's kinda an asshole. I have the luxury of knowing him for quite a few years now, so he’s become known to my friends in NYC as that “really cute asshole guy from your soccer team”^ and rarely do I take anything he says seriously because well, it's Scos. I don’t know about you, but enjoy him just the way he is.
He's called every Dartmouth girl disgusting, fat, un-hookupable, etc. - I actually don't think he has said anything nice about Dartmouth girls except for Liz because she put up with him (thanks, Liz!). In his
(C) This is a blog. If you get totally worked up about it, relax a little. It's just a blog- I think we all have to keep this in mind when we are reading & commenting- myself included- because everyone on here is someone's friend. In my case, I'm someone's girlfriend and I'll try to take into consideration that my 1950's way of life is slightly offensive to my boo’s ^ liberal, Mason Dixon crossing, Sam Adam’s drinking, iPhone using, pot smoking, tree hugging friends.^(x5) I’m sure there’s an iPhone app that could give me guidelines, but I take a blackberry.
At the end of the day, I missed you and some of you were sad I may have left AMDAL. Thanks for the concern and I'm sorry I've been busy with a funeral, that whole "career" thing, and getting someone from the Hospital's engineering staff to come fix the leak in my office which, as of this morning, is now a 2 foot x 3 foot hole in my ceiling that stuff keeps falling and dripping out of. Never a dull day.
I would've gotten back to y'all sooner but life got in the way.
However, I've still been checking AMDAL from my smartphone and spreading the good AMDAL word to those less fortunate. Oh, I've been meaning to say....
BMar: you're still an enigma and I don't think you're real. That aside, it seems we have the same sense of humor and tendency to write really long posts.
NBaum & DHO: Congrats with the cougars. DHo’s texts & updates really made for quite the enjoyable evening. I hope you were left unscathed.
Scos: Every time you write something offensive and get away with it you prove my point. Thanks. You're a great friend.
ARod: xo
MLR: You know I only want what’s best for the blog. Your song choice the other day was offensive, jerkface. And you should have let Scos' post shine for longer, it's a gem. Oh wait- your rules only apply to me, I forgot. ^ I am positive I have that Nokia phone, in red and I'll ask my mom to try to find it at home. I'll let you know if it survived the last closet & attic clean out.
WOHJR: I stand by my bullshit. I was told that what I wrote was “dangerous” “speaking for AMDAL and we are not in agreement” and “flame-fanning” that crossed an imaginary line. Get less initials and we can talk more if you need further explanation. Love your comments- keep 'em up!
Anonymous, the original: Hi.
Sars, Angry Anonymous Girl, CLord, et al: I'm pretty sure y'all might try to hurt me if we were in the same room... and who knows, we could have been and I’d have no idea. Wouldn't that be ludicrous? Don't get me wrong- I could easily take you, but I'm not really looking for a fight. That being said, if the occasion arises, I’m demanding we involve a kiddie pool filled with jello and string bikinis… to level the playing field of course. I’m sure MLR will tell you on side emails I was out of line for suggesting that in the first place, but that’s not the point- they boys would still enjoy it, just like my posts.
Much AMDAL love-
~AOG
* Although it’s like having too many cooks in the kitchen and he’s an angry, self-righteous boss, MLR does a good job at keeping the blog going with crap none of us want to read or music we want to listen to.^
** I owe that word to Makena. Must give credit where credit is due.
*** Get it- kneejerk reaction? Ha, ha ha.. no? okay, I tried.
**** As one of the few AMDALers who was alive 25+ years ago, I can assure you it wasn’t when the women’s rights movement was going on when someone mentioned it was in the comments to the JS post. 25 years ago was full of scrunchies, spandex, neon clothes and listening to Madonna, Prince, MJ while wearing more then one pair of socks at a time. And yes, it was awesome!
