Random Thoughts

Whenever I see an obese guy at the gym doing curls, I want to go over, pat him on the back and say, “Keep it going!” Whenever I see an obese guy at the gym doing wrist curls, I want to go over, pat him on the back and say, “Seriously?”

If you feel a nasty fart coming – one that may ruin your drawers and smell like a rotten egg frying on the dashboard of a car parked in Phoenix at high noon – it’s so important to take a deep breath, gather your composure, and walk to the top of the nearest down escalator. Make sure a line builds before you board and release.

For whatever reason, whenever I see one of those internet “Don’t Pay For White Teeth” ads that features before and after photos, I always get a strange craving for corn.

Saturday morning I was waiting on line behind these two somewhat chubby girls in bikinis. The first said, “I’ve been taking this new cardio and weight training program seriously but I can’t get rid of these last few pounds.” The second girl pinched her own tummy, which was slightly less flabby, and said, “You know what it is? Your body must be getting used to the regimen. You need to try new exercises to stimulate your muscles.” Then it was their turn to order. “We’ll have nachos and onion rings.”

Actual television commercial: “It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's.” How can something be better than the entire category of which it is a member? It doesn’t make sense, unless Wendy’s is implying that it is not in fact fast food. Two simple tests: 1) If you eat something and a half hour later you get diarrhea, you probably had fast food. 2) If you eat something and a half hour later you’re surprised you didn’t get diarrhea, you definitely had fast food. Last time I went to Wendy’s, I had diarrhea for a half hour. And I was surprised because all I did was look at a Baconator.