Random Thoughts

What is it about children laughing and playing on a jungle gym that makes you want to stop what you’re doing and drop your pants?

Actual NYC subway ad: “Please Offer a Seat. (It’s not only polite, it’s the law.)” If it’s the law, what’s with the Please? I don’t ever recall seeing a “Please Buckle Up, It’s The Law” sign.

I’ve learned that the worst time to take an Ambien is right before you go to the gym and do a major chest workout.

Whenever I come upon a quote or passage from a Shakespeare play, all I can think is: I don’t really understand any of this.

At the gym the other week I was showering next to this black guy and seeing him naked shattered my commonly held belief that all black guys are well endowed. If I had to guess, I’d say his package was barely two to three times bigger than the best erection I’ve ever had.

(My Truly) Random Thoughts (on Vomiting...)

1) I don't know about you guys, but I can't wait until Scos uploads the photos of his colon!

2) In the meantime let us consider other gastrointestinal illnesses (a popular topic of late: here, here).

3) In prepping for an Infectious Disease conference for tomorrow I was reviewing the procedures re: tracking/controlling an epidemic/ outbreak(!)

This was the example given: The day after the National Boards, there is a DMS second-year picnic at Storrs Pond. Two classmates start preparing the tuna salad for sandwiches. Lunch is scheduled for 1pm, but because of the 88 degree weather, everyone swims until 3pm and then lunch is served. Mass vomiting begins later that evening.

I'm taking the Boards on a Tuesday. That means this scenario occurs on a Wednesday. Vomiting a few hours after 3pm on a Wednesday in Hanover??? I may not be an epidemiologist, but I don't see anything out of the ordinary here.

4) [Historical Perspective] Here's a classic painted woodcut of an upper GI infection from yesteryear. Let the reader note a few valuable points of interest. Firstly, the vomitor's chin is clearly down. Tsk, tsk. Chin up, my friend! Like this.
On the other hand, isn't it great to see this man's wife holding back his mane so as to not soil his headpiece? That's affection for you.
Also noteworthy, this traditional scene exemplifies the importance of a "vomiting audience"--even in the olden days. One's vomitus is always more impressive with an applauding crowd--Bravo, bravo! Encore!
And lastly, see that coloration? That's not red Powerade. That's blood! OOOODIN. OOOOODIN.

Random Thoughts

Last week I got an amazing massage at this Asian massage parlor in the city. Right at the end of my session, I received what is commonly referred to as a “happy ending,” even though I didn’t ask for one or get charged for it. “Wow,” I said. “You’re quite a masseuse!” “Actually, it’s pronounced masseur,” he replied in a deep voice, as he wiped off his strong, leathery hands.

One of my friends wrote me a scathing email in which he accused me of being a “flake,” because I wasn’t returning his calls and had bailed on dinner and drinks a few times. So I wrote him a long thoughtful response, explaining my recent behavior. Unfortunately, right before I hit send, I lost my Internet connection, and then something else came up, which was pretty important.

What is it about hospitals that makes you want to touch everything and then suck on your fingers?

When I was a kid, my grandpa used to make me the best milkshakes with this little yellow blender of his. The thing is, whenever I would drink them I always ended up coughing real hard afterward. I asked him about it and he said such a reaction was not unusual and was probably related to my asthma. Years later, however, when my grandpa passed away, I was cleaning out his basement and I found that old yellow blender. And when I picked it up, I realized that it actually wasn’t a blender at all, but just a dirty yellow ashtray. I think this also helps explain the coughing.

I was in the shower the other day, performing my biannual testicular self-examination. Halfway through it I completely freaked out because I discovered a small lump. To calm myself, I tried to think of an alternative explanation: Is it possible that this isn’t a tumor, but just your superfluous third testicle? After another feel, I was relieved to learn that I was indeed correct: it was just Little William, causing mischief, like he always does.

Random Thoughts

I used to think that the most embarrassing thing that could happen in a relationship would be your girlfriend finding skidmarks in your underwear. But a few weeks ago, I realized that I was wrong because I found skidmarks in her underwear. Horrified, all I could think was, Now she’s definitely gonna know that I’ve been wearing her underwear.

Whenever I’m out dining with a big group and my plate is the last one to be brought out, I like to say to everyone, “By all means, please don’t start without me.”

Isn’t it funny that when we spot an old friend on the street, we usually look the other way and pretend we didn’t see him – just because we don’t feel like talking about how we left our unpaid job at a struggling start-up and how we’ve nearly depleted all the savings we had built up from years of working on Wall Street?

One of the easiest ways to tell you haven’t been to the gym for a very long time is when you finally do go, you can’t remember the combination to your Master Lock.

I get very squeamish whenever I get my blood taken. I think this goes back to when I was just a kid and my mom took me to the doctor. He tied the tourniquet on real tight, took out this huge needle and plunged it deep into my vein. I was told to keep my eyes closed for a few minutes, but I couldn’t, and I opened them after a few seconds. And there was the doctor, trying to feel up my mom.

Random Thoughts

If you’re struggling in a business school interview and the interviewer asks, “What was your biggest failure in life, and how did you bounce back?” I think you should take a chance and say, “This interview,” followed by “With that response?”

I don’t want to sound vain, but the reason I could never work in a department store is the exact same reason I could never work in a gym: too many mirrors. Wouldn’t get anything done.

I’ve found that the only thing more boring than doing laps in a pool is every book I’ve ever read.

I ordered from Domino's the other night and learned they have this new online feature, the Domino's Tracker, that monitors the status of your order. I thought it was a pretty cool idea at first, but then we got to Step Four: Quality Check. Suddenly, I imagined the preparer of my pizza, a guy named Mustafo, licking the sauce and putting his fingers in my cheese. Mustafo, you shouldn't put your fingers in my cheese.

I sometimes think about my very first girlfriend and how she had these gigantic braces, which made kissing unbelievably difficult. Fortunately, a couple months after we started dating, she finally got them taken off. And honestly, I thought her legs looked pretty normal.

Hat Tip: TLinth

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Random Thoughts

To me, an easy way to tell if you’re performing well during sex is to look down and see whether your partner is still awake.

Instead of dressing your dog up with a little doggie jacket and some little doggie booties, why not just put it to sleep?

In literature, a preface is similar to a foreword in that I always skip both.

A friend of mine likes to describe my sense of humor as “irreverent.” I don’t think that’s true; I just try to make fun of stuff that most people take seriously.

One of the worst parts about giving up drinking for a while is the realization that no matter how hard you try, you’re probably going to fail. That’s one of the best parts, too.

Random Thoughts

As you grow wiser with age, you begin to understand that in life, most things take longer than you expect. From projects at work to chores around the house, this holds true for virtually everything, except maybe sex – that seems to take just a couple minutes no matter what.

On W. 72nd street there’s a café called the Aroma Espresso Bar. Inside its lavatory hangs a sign, directly above the toilet, that reads: “Throw All Paper In The Trash.” I thought that was kinda funny, until I saw the trashcan in the corner, overflowing with soiled toilet paper.

I recently read that a Michigan-based company patented the SarcMark, a new symbol used to express sarcasm in writing. Fortunately, this indispensable product only costs $1.99 to download – an absolute bargain compared to the astronomical price of standard punctuation.

I wish people applying to business school realized that if you get a 700 or higher on the GMAT and someone asks you how the test went, instead of saying your actual score followed by ”but I’m taking them again,” you can just say, “I did well, thanks.”

Kids are so impressionable. Take my little nephew, for example. We were at the beach and we came upon a gigantic horseshoe crab that had washed ashore. He picked it up and asked, “Is this from outer space?” “No,” I responded, trying not to laugh. “That’s just a crab. You’re thinking of a jellyfish.”

Random Thoughts

I got so wasted during the Jets-Colts AFC Championship game that I ended up drunk-texting Haiti like four or five times.

If I owned a restaurant in a progressive city, I’d make sure our customers knew how hard we worked to “go green”, i.e. not be wasteful. For example, in the lavatory I’d hang a sign that says, “All employees must wash hands, unless you go #1.”

I hate to say this, but some girls are just stupid. For instance, the other week I was at my friend’s ski house, and this group of girls in the hot tub invited me to join them. So I took off my shirt, dipped my toe in and said, “That’s really hot.” As soon as I did that, this one girl looks up, points directly at me and says, “Eww, you’ve got an Austin Powers thing going on!” An Austin Powers thing? One, I did not use a British accent. Two, I’m pretty sure Austin Powers said, “That really hurt,” not “That’s really hot.” And three, Eww? Who doesn’t like Austin Powers? Stupid girls – that’s who.

I think everyone should have at least one friend who will always go out and party no matter what. Otherwise, I would have fewer friends.

Isn’t it funny that when we stumble upon a random article of clothing at the Laundromat, like a pair of panties or whatever, our first inclination is to pick it up and smell it – as if that’s gonna tell us who the owner is!

Random Thoughts

Who would have thought that exactly one year into the Obama Presidency, an unknown Republican – and former nude centerfold – would win Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat of 47 years? Something tells me this is not the change Obama had hoped to bring about. Heck of a job, Brownie!

One day, I hope the PC turns to the Mac and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re very condescending.”

The other night I had one of those moments where you suddenly realize, Man, I can’t even remember the last time I saw a real vagina.

When people use the word “basically” more than once when explaining something, it basically means they don’t know what they’re talking about.

I often get disapproving looks when I brown bag it on the train. Whenever it happens, I respond with a facial expression that essentially says, Who are you to judge me on my way to work?

Random Thoughts

One of my bigger pet peeves on the Internet is when people use a lowercase "i" to refer to themselves in the first-person. is it really that difficult to press the shift key every once and a while?

The T9 function on my cell phone burned me the other weekend. I was trying to impress this cute girl but I ended up telling her: “Lets meet in an hour after I finish a big log.”

I don’t have a problem with a dad kissing his kid in public – unless, of course, it’s an open-mouth kiss. That kinda stuff should stay in the bedroom.

I’ve learned that when someone uses the word “plethora” in casual conversation, it usually means I want to punch him in the chest. Like, an overabundance of times.

Believe it or not, the hardest part of business school applications is not the multitude of long-winded essays you have to write. The hardest part is this one question that asks you to list all the academic honors and awards you received in college. What the heck are you supposed to put in that big empty box?

Random Thoughts

It has been said that humor and sex are similar in that the objective of both is to elicit involuntary noises from your partner. To me, the main difference is that with humor, I never elicit moans but with sex, I always elicit laughs.

Sometimes, when I’m looking at Internet porn, my wireless connection stops working and I actually think it’s God sending me a signal. And then I remember that it’s not God, but Time Warner.

I recently received a piece of unsolicited mail that read: “Are you tired of junk mail? Open immediately!”

The other night my three buddies and I did a chug off at a bar. While I could’ve won, I let two of them beat me because there was this babe watching, and I had a feeling she’d be real impressed if I went over afterwards and used “penultimate” in a pick-up line. (I was wrong.)

A really good way to look and feel sexier is to give yourself a haircut. Personally, I like to take a lot off the sides but just a little bit off the top, like just a couple inches below my belly button.

Random Thoughts

Actual MTA service announcement: “Sexual Harassment is a Crime in the subway, too–”. I’d like to see someone graffiti just above that: “Although It’s a Blast…”

I went to church on Christmas Eve and the minister proclaimed, “God is love.” I thought about that for a while and tried to figure out what he meant exactly. A couple minutes later, we started singing "Joy to the World" where the first verse ends: “The Lord is come,” and I thought, I’m sorry, but that’s taking it to a whole another level.

Is it just me, or is there something terribly sanctimonious about the people who say, "I work for a Not-For-Profit," when you ask them what they do? I asked you what you do, not what your company’s philosophy about making money is.

I'd like to see a movie where a special agent performs all these insane, death-defying stunts to recover the NOC list from the bad guys. But when the agent returns the list to the CIA, they discover that there's some questionable porn on the disk. Then the rest of the movie is about the porn, and whether the girls are 18 or not.

I love New Year’s Day because it gives you a chance to start fresh and adhere to all the resolutions you’ve made. The only part I like better is the three-week anniversary, because you get to indulge your vices again, to feel better about abandoning all those resolutions.

Random Thoughts

Contrary to popular belief, revenge is not a dish best served cold. That’s ice cream. Revenge is getting back at someone who wronged you.

Instead of throwing yellow flags, why don’t football refs try banana peels? Not only are they cheaper, but also they’re more biodegradable, which means you don’t even have to pick them up.

I never believe those tour guides who claim the students at their school “work hard and play hard,” unless by “play hard” they mean “with themselves.”

Every time I take an unplanned shower I ask myself, “How many more of these before I finally go out and buy some goddamn toilet paper?”

I doubt many people realize that a small binder clip, when used creatively, is a highly effective nose hair remover.

Random Thoughts

I’m gonna wear a nametag next time I get dragged to another Christmas party. That way, when I end up in some random picture taken by some drunk girl whom I’ve never met, she’ll know how to tag me when she posts it online. And then, once we’re Facebook friends, maybe I can stalk her a little.

I bet when Jesus was born and the three wise men brought frankincense and myrrh, Mary and Joseph looked at one another and thought, What is this shit?

Instead of an ugly sweater party, what about an ugly girlfriend party?

Is there anything more magical than New York City in December? You’ve got the big tree at Rockefeller Center, the holiday displays at Macy’s, the Rockettes at Radio City Music Hall, the light show at Saks Fifth Avenue, and much, much more. Together, all these things really get me into the Christmas spirit, and take my mind off how unfathomably lonely I am in this normally dark, depressing city.

They say that the test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in your mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. While I agree with the first part, I won’t be home until Christmas Eve. Because I have these damn business school applications to finish! Yes, dad’s present is wrapped. (Sorry, my mom just called.)

Random Thoughts

I bet the hardest part of pharmacy school is the semester where you learn how to decipher the handwriting on prescription forms.

Actual subway ad: “Fitzgerald and Fitzgerald. We Fight for Injured Children.” This ad would be a lot more effective at grabbing people’s attention if they took out the “for”.

I think they should make a law that if you’re driving along I-95 and you hit some really bad traffic whose cause turns out not to be some horrific accident or dramatic drug-bust but just some routine construction work, and there’s a sack of rotten produce in your passenger seat, you’re allowed to hurl the rotten produce at the construction workers and not get in trouble.

Sometimes, when I jiggle the last few drops of gasoline out of the pump, I feel like I’m at a public urinal, especially when I get the stuff all over my khakis.

I was on the N train the other night, coming back from Queens, and this poor crazy guy barged into my car, crying, “Bear change! Bear change!” I wanted to help him out, but when I reached in pocket, I realized I only had a couple nickels.

Random Thoughts

To me, happiness isn't something you can attain simply by doing good or spending time with your friends and family or even pursuing some noble goal. Happiness is also about having lots of money. And to get it that money, you need to make your friends and family think that you'll pay them back.

As I dragged the blade of my new razor across the irritation of my neck, I thought back to the time I dragged the hull of my new sailboat across the pavement of my driveway.

Actual front-page headline of this week’s Village Voice: “Who Do We Have to Blow to Get Gay Marriage in New York?” I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure that type of rhetoric isn’t helping your case. Perhaps try something a little less polarizing, like Fellate.

Most women who are looking for love really only care about one thing: commitment. So, if you’re having a good first date with a woman and she invites you up to her apartment, decline. This lets her know that you’re not just trying to “get some.” Then, say "I love you," to let her know you’re in it for the long run.

Whenever I go in for my annual checkup and the doctor asks me how many drinks I normally have in a week, I always think for a second, come up with a ballpark figure and then subtract fifteen.

Random Thoughts

If you’ve fallen on hard economic times, sometimes it’s best to take a step back and take stock of all the things you do have – the things that really matter in life. And maybe, if you’re lucky, you can sell those things to other people, to make some money.

Instead of “widgets,” maybe economics professors should choose “pornography” as the product that their hypothetical business makes. Not only is it easier to conceptualize, but shouldn’t we be giving the consumer what he wants?

I think someone should invent sheets that you only have to wash once a year. That way, if you ever convince someone to spend the night in your bed – like someone you're not related to – and they ask why the sheets are covered in stains and crumbs and hair, you can just say, "Because these are the kind of sheets that you only have to wash once a year."

Sometimes, when my roommates and I have people over, a few guests actually lock the door when they use our bathroom. I find that so obnoxious. I mean, just because I’m going to press my ear against the door doesn’t mean I'm going to try and open it.

It can be really awkward running into an ex on the street. Not because the two of you shared some so many memories together and now you barely talk, but because the two of you used to wrap your mouths around each other’s genitalia.

Random Thoughts

Whenever people around me are drunk but I’m sober, all I can think is, Man, I wish I were drinking too. Whenever I’m drunk but people around me are sober, all I can think is, Man, why did I bring this flask to church?

I used to be too scared to go in the sauna at my YMCA because it was always full of these creepy Euro dudes who looked at me like they wanted to do terrible, horrible things to me. Late last week, however, I finally confronted my fears and I marched in and sat down. And it was so embarrassing, because I realized how wrong I had been about the creepy Euro dudes and their intentions. All they wanted to do was fondle me a little.

To me, antibiotics are a lot like antiperspirants. At first they seem to do the trick but after a while, your body builds up a resistance and finally, you swear them off forever because, really, what’s the point?

Given all the success of “JDate,” I think we Christians should start our online dating site. We’ll call it “CDate” and our mission will be simple: to ensure that Christian traditions continue for generations to come. To do this, we’ll provide a social network where Christian singles can meet to find romance and love. Then, after a few months, maybe we’ll let in Jewish chicks as well, because some of them are pretty hot and easy.

I often think about how far technology has come and how much of it we take for granted. When I’m a dad, I’m gonna make sure my kids know how lucky they are to live in the age that they do. I’ll take my son aside and I'll tell him that when I was a boy, sometimes it could take several minutes just to download some hardcore pornography, and even then, the pictures didn’t move or tell you where they wanted you to click.

Random Thoughts

Why is it that sometimes, masturbating in the shower is just delightful, but other times, it feels like a bad Indian-burn?

If you’re at a big interview, instead of showing off your professionalism, why not show off your sense of humor? When you first meet your interviewer, give him a real “limp-fish” handshake. Then, give him a little wink, to let him know that you were just joking, and that the two of you are going to have fun with this.

I’m beginning to think that Soap ‘N Suds, the run-down laundromat across my street, is really just a front for a rapidly-growing Out of Service sign business.

If you live in a city, it’s wise to always carry around old receipts in your wallet. When you’re inevitably stopped on the sidewalk by some solicitor handing out fliers for some discount store or strip-club, take one out and give it to him. When he refuses, say, “Wait, you don’t want my trash? By all means then, please keep yours as well.”

Sometimes, I actually wish I were less hung, so that I wouldn’t stretch so many women. Wait. Not less, more. And not stretch, but disappoint. And by so many women, I mean my landlord’s mother, when I can’t pay the rent in full.

Random Thoughts

Someone should make an iPhone application that reminds you how rude it is to constantly check your iPhone applications.

I think it’s about time someone tells our Hispanic community that you can’t “carry” the ball in volleyball. It’s against the rules, even in a parking lot.

It’s weird, but I get really nervous whenever a cop boards my subway car, even if I’m just sitting there and not planning to pickpocket someone.

Isn’t it funny that when we pleasure ourselves at the office, we normally choose to do so in the handicap stall – just because it has its own mirror?

If you get into a NYC cab and your driver is disgruntled, turn up the volume on the little tv in the back seat. He’s probably just angry that he can’t hear those entertaining 12-minute loops.