Random Thoughts

Whenever people around me are drunk but I’m sober, all I can think is, Man, I wish I were drinking too. Whenever I’m drunk but people around me are sober, all I can think is, Man, why did I bring this flask to church?

I used to be too scared to go in the sauna at my YMCA because it was always full of these creepy Euro dudes who looked at me like they wanted to do terrible, horrible things to me. Late last week, however, I finally confronted my fears and I marched in and sat down. And it was so embarrassing, because I realized how wrong I had been about the creepy Euro dudes and their intentions. All they wanted to do was fondle me a little.

To me, antibiotics are a lot like antiperspirants. At first they seem to do the trick but after a while, your body builds up a resistance and finally, you swear them off forever because, really, what’s the point?

Given all the success of “JDate,” I think we Christians should start our online dating site. We’ll call it “CDate” and our mission will be simple: to ensure that Christian traditions continue for generations to come. To do this, we’ll provide a social network where Christian singles can meet to find romance and love. Then, after a few months, maybe we’ll let in Jewish chicks as well, because some of them are pretty hot and easy.

I often think about how far technology has come and how much of it we take for granted. When I’m a dad, I’m gonna make sure my kids know how lucky they are to live in the age that they do. I’ll take my son aside and I'll tell him that when I was a boy, sometimes it could take several minutes just to download some hardcore pornography, and even then, the pictures didn’t move or tell you where they wanted you to click.