Friday Five

On Wednesday, I had lunch at Ruby Tuesday. Due, I’m quite certain, to an error on their end, both of my credit cards were declined. Although it was mildly embarrassing to borrow money from my friend, it was worth the undeserved shame to see what it feels like to hit rock bottom.

A zipup hoodie seems like a contradiction to me. If you’re so concerned about messing up your hair, why do you have a hood at all?

When choosing an art print to frame and display, the rules are simple: Select a lesser known piece by a well known artist. That way, you appear to have an acute sense for the aesthetic without following the crowd. Who the hell likes lily pads anyway?

Every time I send a fax at the office, my stomach growls. While this phenomenon baffled me for several months, I realized in a moment of clarity that pushing buttons that beep causes my “hot pocket in three minutes” synapses to fire. This also explains why I have violent diarrhea two hours after sending a fax.

When I asked my buddy why he moved to California, he responded “You don’t have to shovel sunshine.” Good point. You do, however, have to put up with vacuous assholes and their obnoxious quips.