Smoke-Worthy Moments in Mad Men: Episode 307



I wish Don Draper was Jon Gosselin. At least I wouldn't feel bad when he gets donkey punched.

Right from the "Previously, on Mad Men" and subsequent clips, I was fearing for my undies on this one. Creepy womb toucher, Unstable Miss Farrell popping up, Conrad saying ominous things - all of it was pointing towards bad news. I guess after a lawn mower episode, the next one's going to smart. And smart it did.

Top Moments of Episode 307: Seven Twenty Three

Betty is the new Don
Like some superhero that can absorb powers, it seems Betty is destined to live up to the Draper name. Sure she's flirted with guys in the past and even cheated (who's Gene Jr's daddy anyway?) in the past. But she's asserting herself in new and exciting ways. She's leaving the house to be a part of the Junior League (Good work Francine). She's taking clandestine calls in Don's double secret office (Betty trying one more time to open the locked drawer was a hilarious nod to last season). She's putting Roger in his place, just like Papa Draper ("Don wouldn't appreciate you calling and I find it offensive." Bap!). And of course, she's disguising business trips as opportunities for sexy time (or free pie!).

But can she pull it off? My guess is no and here's why: she doesn't know how to stare directly into the sun. It's pretty clear that the eclipse was metaphoric - light and dark, night and day, good and bad. Don has walked the line for almost three seasons and his entire life. Sure, the last few episodes are denting his armor / ego - Don's been called out by his daughter's slightly demented school teacher (she still totally wanted him), questioned about career moves by his housewife, donkey-punched by a hippy draft-dodger, and put in his place by a shoeless Colonel. But at the end of the day, when idiots are wearing boxes on their heads and Betty is burning her retinas, Don's looking directly at sun. And might I say, he looks pretty cool doing it.

Roger is the Bad Guy
Roger has always been the comic foil. Even when he's hitting on Betty or cheating on his wife, he's doing it with enough dry wit that make it hard to hate him. So whatever Weiner and co. have cooked up for this season already appears a bit harsh. At first it just seemed that Don had a stick up his ass ever since Roger left Mona (since when did Don give a shit about the piety of marriage? Oh, right, jealously). And even though Don refuses to express his gratitude, as Roger was hoping, it seemed like the hot shave was going to help put this mess behind them.

But then there was that contract.

Apparently Don is afraid of commitment (who knew?) and reacted negatively to the news of a three year lock-in. What I don't get is why Don blames Roger alone. He merely one third of the messenger, and given his backseat role as of late, probably less. And again, it was Don being unreasonable and treating Roger as a scapegoat for all Don's problems.

But then there was that phone call to Betty.

Raising old reminders of Roger's season 1 house call, Don was understandably pissed. And so was I, but not just at Roger. Weiner, why the fuck are you writing Roger into a corner? He's now actually acting like an idiot that will only piss off Don and the viewers. I want to like Roger and have him to succeed. He's one of my favorite characters (caricatures?). It'll be hard to laugh at his wise-cracks if I'm too busy hissing when he comes onscreen.

Mentoring revisited
Woa, Daddy Issues much? Last week I mentioned Pete and Peggy's mutual aspiration to achieve Don-like status and this week we see some deep-seated issues popping up with them as a result. This week we also see Don also (finally) succumbing to his own issues of the past. I've addressed them in increasing order of disfunctionality.

Pete: Who would have guessed that Pete was the sane one this episode? He laid low in this episode but the moments he popped up were pretty level-headed. He gave Peggy sound advice ("I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about Duck. Send it back."). He pushes Don to be on the Hilton account, but backs off when told. All in all, a pretty healthy learning experience for our boy Humps.

Peggy: Oh Peggy, you were doing so well. Our last few posts have been an ode to your accomplishments and now you're sleeping with Duck? Duck? Why did she sleep with him? As Slate points out, Peggy was not the man-eater that she was in earlier episodes - she gives in completely to Duck's charm(?). I also agree more with MM blog, Basket of Kisses, which compares Peggy with the dead Bond girl in Goldfinger. This is probably supposed to be Peggy's hubristic fall, but to me it feels like a writers' cop out. I consider her overly ambitious, not overly acquiescent. For this episode, she reverted to her Season One neediness, and not maintained her Season Three strength. Hopefully this is a recoverable mental lapse.



Don: Don's been brushing off his daddy issues for a while - dismissing Betty's problems with Gene Sr. and agreeing with Prison Guard Dennis that blaming your parents for your issues was "bullshit." But we all know Don hasn't dealt with how his father has, for better or worse, made him who he is now. Like his dad, Don is a philandering drunk, albeit a highly functional one. Don treats his kids well because he doesn't want to be anything like his father but he can't commit emotionally; he always wants an 'out' because his dad never wanted him. Don's trying to prove himself to his dead father, but is never quite able to come out of his shadow. Don, next time you're high on reds in a motel with some teenagers, just remember you're not in Heroes, Lost, Rescue Me or [insert chick flick / ghost romantic comedy] and it's not advisable to talk to a ghost that way. It's a good way to get DP'd.

It was good for me, was it good for you?

Fedora Tip: The BMar for the last minute editing

Youtube: The Hits (Condensed)

No commentary. Just watch and enjoy.

Birdman (feat. Drake & Lil Wayne) - "Money To Blow"


I'll get it out of the way. I know Birdman sucks. He's never been the good one. Basically everyone from Juvenile to Manny Fresh to Lil Wayne craps on him. But imagine how good I think the rest of the song is to warrant putting a Birdman song as JOTW.
- First up is Drake's verse. Vulture was hating on it for being too bravado-filled. Uh, last I checked this is rap music. I think they also forgot that Drake can't be stopped: He has four (Count 'em one, two/three, four) Billboard Top 40 songs. This song will be five.
- Next is Birdman aka Baby aka [Bird Sounds]. Just press mute at 1:41 and unmute at 2:40.
- Lil Wayne then comes in and once again reminds us why he should never switch to rock. All in all, a quality JOTW ex. Birdman.

Runners up after the break

Runners Up:

Keri Hilson Covers Mr. Hudsons "Supernova" Live on BBC Radio

Mr. Hudson seems like a cool dude and has been making some hits lately, including his version of Supernova (6/30/09 JOTW) and his new video, White Lies, which just barely didn't make this week's cut. But this week, I'm giving it to Keri Hilson for doing it arguably better than him. The live-factor is big and she's hot. In her own right, Keri has done some good stuff (Slow Dance and 8/27/09 JOTW Runner Up). Together, this is a nice combination and worthy of a Runner Up spot.

Jay West - "The Language"

I don't know anything about this guy but I think it's a ballsy move to make what seems like his debut video one that has no hook (chorus). The beat is simple and simply good. His rhymes are pretty one. Along with Mac Miller, Jay West is my long shot for guys to make it big soon (take note, Bbag).

Notorious B.I.G. feat Puff daddy & Mase - "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems"

Can you deny the awesomeness of this video? The lights in Lil Wayne's sunglasses in the Money To Blow reminded me of this video and the old fisheye lens, shiny suits and Mase. With the economy coming around (knock on wood), we need a few flossing videos. Ah, the Clinton years...

Random Thoughts

Listen, I don’t condone drunk driving, but when you’re hammered, driving a car full of friends and maybe even a cute girl or two, and your favorite power ballad comes on the radio and everyone starts belting out the chorus in unison – isn’t that the best?

I have a friend, a real playboy, who often says, “If a girl even tries to give me a handjob, I tell her to leave.” Whenever I hear that I think, Yeah, I prefer a porterhouse steak to a roast beef sandwich as well, but I’d rather take the sandwich than go to sleep hungry, especially if it means no blue balls.

You know you’re a conservative if you nod when you read the Wall Street Journal and shake your head when you read the New York Times. You know you’re a liberal if you nod when you read the New York Times and shake your head when asked if you read the Wall Street Journal.

A general rule: The thickness of your suit’s pinstripes is directly proportional to how much of an asshole you are. If your pin stripes are so thick that they actually touch, then you’re simply wearing a white suit, which officially makes you the disco king of assholes.

To me, skiing after a long off season is a lot like having sex after a long dry spell. It takes a couple sessions before you finally get the hang of it and then, you remember that you’re not very good. Frustrated, you say to yourself, I paid how much for this?

Word of the Day: Sedition

Let me begin by noting that this person worked as an official in both the Carter and Regan Administrations and is a Pulitzer Prize recipient.
"There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the “Obama problem.” Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.

America isn’t the Third World. If a military coup does occur here it will be civilized. That it has never happened doesn’t mean it wont. Describing what may be afoot is not to advocate it.

[...]

Will the day come when patriotic general and flag officers sit down with the president, or with those who control him, and work out the national equivalent of a “family intervention,” with some form of limited, shared responsibility?

Imagine a bloodless coup to restore and defend the Constitution through an interim administration that would do the serious business of governing and defending the nation. Skilled, military-trained, nation-builders would replace accountability-challenged, radical-left commissars. Having bonded with his twin teleprompters, the president would be detailed for ceremonial speech-making."
It makes me yearn for the days when people got arrested just for showing up at townhalls in mean t-shirts. I'll leave readers to draw their own conclusions as to where this sort of thing leads. For my part, things are really seeming to take on a April 19, 1995 flavor to me. Link below, if you can bear it.

Remarkable

Some Chicken for Your Football


As anticipated, action packed and adored as it is, football season, I’m embarrassed to admit, has no meaningful effect on my fall weekends. Go ahead, call me unpatriotic and lame, but I won't lie - I usually just jump on the bandwagon about 2 weeks before Superbowl so I can reap the benefits of an afternoon of buffalo wings and those cheeky Budweiser horses.

At drinks the other night with my high school friends, however, I was let in on an obvious but enlightening truth about Sunday football that I feel compelled to share with all the single ladies out there… Sunday football is the single most untapped resource for finding a date. Explaining her trip to a sports bar, my friend Jen’s voice lowered to a whisper and her eyes widened as she set the following scene:

Sunday afternoon sausage fest at bar + testosterone and abundant alcohol. Enter stage left - cute female, casually dressed, seemingly interested in football. Much flirting and buying of drinks commences and 2 hours later said female has given out her number 4 times, has had 4 free beers and is feeling pretty good.

The simplicity of her discovery was amazing and now you can try it out yourself. But alas, if you’re already spoken for or enjoy football from your couch why shouldn’t you get some meat? Make the following recipe and you can have all the satisfaction you want while still enjoying a beer and not spending the whole game in the kitchen.


Roast Chicken w/ Veggies

- 1 roast chicken (organic usually tastes best)
- 1 large red onion
- 4 carrots
- Salt and pepper
-Meat thermometer – just a little metal one that you stick into the meat – all grocery stores have them with other cooking utensils and they are about $5 or less.

Preheat the Oven to 425
- Line baking pan with tin foil
- Peel and chop onion into wedges, peel carrots and chop into 1-2 inch pieces
-Put chicken on baking pan and surround it with the chopped veggies.
- Season chicken with lots of salt and pepper and sprinkle salt and pepper on all the veggies.
- Add 1 cup of water to the bottom of the pan (this will keep the veggies nice and juicy)
-Bake the chicken with veggies for 35 minutes, pull out and stick meat thermometer into the breast and check temp (you are going for 180 degrees.)
- If not 180 degrees yet, stick chicken back in the oven and bake for 10 minutes more, keep doing this until you get a temp of 180 degrees on the meat thermometer.
- When finished, serve chicken with veggies and a little juice from the pan.

Stay tuned for recipes to use all the delicious leftover roast chicken! I know I know, exciting!!!!!

Tuesday F*ing Links


Sorry for being late. I'll add it to next year's list of things to atone for:

Contraceptives killing things other than the mood.

Iphone news: Picture Messaging (MMS) is here and the Tom Tom Navigation app is coming very soon.

Countering the nerdiness with cuteness: Cute things falling asleep and laughing.

Sweet post-college dudes shooting long-distance basketball shots. Cool? Arguable. Viral? I guess.

SNL premiered last night and someone swore. What the fuck?

Hat tip: Tastemaker

The Amherst Theory

"So, um, did you happen to go to Amherst?"

As awesome as it is to write about how I make a spectacle of myself on a pretty much daily basis, I’ve decided to postpone my weekly awkward column in favor of writing about something less, well, awkward. (Stay tuned for a thrilling odyssey about my fear of pigeons, which will be posted in a few days time though. Please, contain your excitement.) The topic of this post is something I haven’t thought about in a while – having conveniently and inadvertently circumvented the issue via Zog Sports -- but it recently was brought to my attention by a friend and I felt it could be interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts on the matter.

Well, to get to the point, dating in the city can be hard. Really, really hard. And not just in New York. I think this applies to all cities, everywhere. While New York can be particularly isolating, and there is a certain feeling that all people, everywhere, think they’re cooler/smarter/richer/better than you, it’s ultimately not the male-female (or male-male, or female-female, or post-op transsexual-confused New Jersey businessman) interaction that’s all that difficult. I believe it’s the transition from college dating to real world dating that initially presents the challenge. In the real world, getting drunk and rubbing up against someone at a keg party will likely result in arrest, as opposed to a hook up. This makes it necessary to figure out an alternate way to crack the dating code.

In college, you usually don’t need an introduction to the person you have your eye on. Odds are, you know their name, age, hometown, class schedule and about fifteen different things you have in common just from your day-to-day interactions and the fact that you spend all your waking hours within a ½ mile radius of one another. And if, against all odds, you don’t know anything about this person because, say, they live under a rock, you can easily find someone who can vouch for your target. Maybe they’re in the Star Wars club together or both play on the lacrosse team. Regardless, if you’re wary of a person’s credentials or want to know more about their interests you can usually find a mutual friend who will either vouch for them or corroborate any rumors you’ve heard about their rampant drug use and/or alleged third nipple.

In your post college years, your options can become surprisingly more limited. One hot summer night, many years ago, my friends and I sat around debating the challenge of dating in the city and they eventually drew two conclusions. My more conservative lady friend insisted you should really only limit yourself to the wading pool of your acquaintances and their subsequent friend circles. Her logic was that in a big, often dangerous city, you really need a third party voucher for anyone you want to date. A friend of a friend is a safe bet because you have someone to tell you if they’ve ever been incarcerated or have a secret stripper fetish. You also have the added bonus of an introduction, ready-made small talk and someone to turn to when you think your date lied about having to reschedule due to a fantasy baseball draft. Of course, the challenge here is: What happens when you run out of friends of friends? Isn’t the whole point of living in a big city full of attractive people to get out there and sample the diverse and exotic fare, instead of spinning your wheels with people who aren’t all that different from those you went to college with?

Well, you can also dive into a veritable ocean of eligible men and women that exists within city limits if you’re willing to meet people in bars – but this method isn’t without its own risk. Millions of options could lead to tons of interesting and diverse dates. It could also mean dedicating precious time to get to know someone you met under the influence of alcohol and could have spent the last 25 years as a nomadic goat herder, for all you know. Sure, it can be exciting, but it can also be a grand waste of time. My more adventurous, risk taking friend, calls her approach to dating the Amherst Theory. She believes that by striking up a basic conversation with someone, you can infer a lot of things about what kind of person they are and decide if it’s worth pursuing - essentially many of the same things you could find out through a mutual friend. For instance, if you’re into preppy, NESCAC types, by chatting up a guy and finding out he went to Amherst will help him pass some initial hurdles – he's probably smart, the victim of a liberal arts education,
potentially athletic, unlikely to be a serial killer… dare I say a little fratty? But really, how much can you infer beyond what’s totally superficial? And even if things do work out, for the rest of your life do you have to tell people you met in a booze-fueled frenzy at a bar every time you’re asked?

I guess the bottom line is, since these are obvious generalizations, it’s not like there aren’t going to be people that defy both of these theories. It’s just that they provide additional hurdles to what can already be a rejection laden and emotionally complicated process. Friend #1 took the safe route and is in a happy relationship with a friend of a friend of a friend with whom she went to Jewish summer camp. Friend #2 happened to randomly meet her boyfriend at a bar, where they talked for hours and she found out he was a Harvard Law/UVA grad with a good job and love of Bluegrass. (Personally, I’m convinced she entered into this relationship with the express goal of proving her theory right.) But while things worked out for her, you still have to keep in mind more extreme stories like that of the alleged Craigslist killer, which warns against befriending someone just because they look good on paper or make a great first impression.


So, ultimately I must ask you, dear readers: Is the best course of action to just let things happen naturally? Is it to just keep your options open and your guard up, and hope for the best? Do you tap into the hidden treasure chest known as coed, recreational sports and accidentally come out with a relationship? I guess there aren’t any absolute laws and if there are, I certainly don’t know them. Please, help us form a more scientific theory by leaving any successes/failures/funny stories in the comments.


In Case You Missed It: Nu Shooz


I was in Tanzania. I was drunk. It had been a long night out, and my friend Paul and I were on our way home. We had just finished playing our favorite game, "Try To Confuse The Shit Out Of The Cab Driver By Using Rudimentary Swahili To Say Ridiculous Things" and we had a pretty good time of it (I was trying to explain the plot of The Empire Strikes Back from the point of view of Darth Vader [I think it went pretty well]).

The driver had the radio turned up. That usually consists of "Bongo Flava", local Tanzanian jams, which sort of sounds like a cruel version of Sean Paul karaoke. But then, it happened. Out of nowhere, the sound of the 1980's invaded the car. I felt like the most salient moments of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Risky Business all wrapped up into five wonderful minutes. I memorized as many of the lyrics as I could, wrote them down, and searched for them the next time I was around the internet. From there, my relationship with Nu Shooz was born.





I don't know much about Nu Shooz. Apparently they're a husband-wife pair (that never works out), and they actually managed to make it through 3 albums before someone in charge finally figured out they were hopeless. They have one video for a song that sounds like Paula Abdul covering the theme from ToeJam and Earl.
But that doesn't take anything away from the glory of "Lost Your Number". It really is an entire decade rolled up into 5 minutes of music, completely summarizing everything there is to love and hate about the 80s. And with this song, I bet you'll find yourself a bit more on the loving side.

Nu Shooz - Lost Your Number

Listen to the lyrics. Let them take you away. She lost his number. How can she call him? I honestly have no idea. There was no Facebook. I'm not even sure she had a cell phone. Its tragic. But so wonderful. I mean the first line references a pay phone, could you ask for more?

So just let that 80s vibe wash over you, and then go add it to your dance mix.


Hat Tip: Stephen the cab driver

Submitted Without Comment

Safire, Valiant Conservative in a Liberal World (hi Scos)

William Safire, former speech writer for Richard Nixon, longtime renowned conservative columnist (3,000 columns) for the left-leaning New York Times, and all-round prolific wordsman, passed away today. I always enjoyed his columns, in part because he always seemed to say new things. Other NY Times columnists return again and again to the same well to repeat their same greatest hits, but Safire always kept his ideas fresh. I especially enjoyed his annual "predictions" column, wherein he'd speculate about "what will the President's biggest global challenge be in the new year?" as well as "what will win the best picture Oscar?"
Safire, a college drop-out, also wrote "On Language" for the newspaper's Sunday magazine. That feature considered trendy terms in news, politics and life, as well as the misuses and abuses of language by public figures. The Times' obituary included a smattering of his advice, called "Safire's Rules for Writers":
--Remember to never split an infinitive.
--Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
--Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
--Avoid cliches like the plague.
--And don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

The Book of Eli - Denzel being Denzel


Remember McLovin in Training Day? No? Oh yea, I mean Denzel Washington? Of course you do. He was badass and won an Academy Award for Biggest Badass Ever (it's new).

Well coming soon is a new movie that is sure to remind you of his badass credentials. And how McLovin couldn't spoof this even if he tried.

Comment Of The Week


Dear AMDAL readers,

In an effort to promote more comments (commenting?), we've decided to reward the best one each week - and its author - with the prestigious and super shiny COTW trophy. While we cannot compensate you monetarily (we make a little less than $0.01 per day, on a good day), we can put your picture up on the blog [we'll ask your permission first, of course; if you decline we'll just use a photo of your mother] and shower you with all kinds of halfhearted accolades. This will likely result in you getting laid.

Several guidelines:
  1. Pithy and witty > long-winded and dull
  2. Anonymous need not apply, even if your comment is the funniest, most irreverent thing ever written
  3. Not sure there's a third one (we probably should have gone with, "A couple guidelines:")
In addition, we're also looking for any and all quotes you happen to hear or see during the week that you think are worth highlighting. The medium can be anything: television, film, theater (just joking), newspaper, the web, radio, etc.; same goes for the subject matter: politics, comedy, sports, music, fashion, work, etc. If you submit something, and it makes it up here, we'll recognize you for your efforts. Please send your quote to allmydealsarelive@gmail.com with the subject heading COTW.

We look forward to hearing from you. And please, bear with us as the concept and format evolves. (Yes, some of these occurred before this week.)

-Scos and MLR

Mario Kart Trophy Work: Block

Comment Of The Week
AMDAL
"You are correct that a good deal of smart people seem to have no common sense - this is because they have replaced it with superior, smart-person sense. For example, when ordering a drink, most people order what they feel like. Highly evolved intellects (alcoholics?) however, weigh the marginal increase in utils of their desired beverage against the probability the waitress or bartender will screw it up." - The Brah, in response to AOG's post "Over/Under Rated: Street Smarts v Book Smarts"

Runners Up (3)
"Here is the real process [of making a sandwich]:
1. Consider going to Quiznos
2. Realize you are an idiot
3. Go to Subway
4. Decide between an oven roasted chicken breast sandwich for $5.00 or up the ante and pay the $6.50 for the turkey sub. Both excellent choices." - V-Nasty, in response to 's post "How to Make a Turkey Sandwich"

"As a dude who is in the medical field (kinda) - I’m a little bit torn on the healthcare issue. Reform is absolutely needed. I agree with the WOHJR's that providing care to all people is very important. And I agree with the Brah's that reform that attempts to achieves universal coverage without a focus on cost and systemic reforms is at best shortsighted, and at worst, disastrous." [The rest here.] - Bbag, in response to RMC's "America"

"Maybe my own blowhard law school education is causing me to overthink the wrong things and not see the bigger picture, but how is this over/underrated?" - PhishyEel, in response to AOG's post, "Over/Under-rated: Say it Like a Rapper"

Television
"Ahh! Ah! What is that? Is that piss? Is that piss? Pull over! Pull over, you little dick. Stop the car. Jesus Christ, Dee. I'm covered in piss! [Well maybe you shouldn't have your window down.] Maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of pee out the window! [Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. It's up for debate.] You shouldn't!" - Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Gang Hits The Road

Politics
"A mere six decades after the Halocaust, you give legitimacy to a man who denies that the murder of six million Jew took place and pledges to wipe out the Jewish state. What a disgrace! What a mockery of the charter of the United Nations!" - Benjamin Netanyahu, Israeli Prime Minister, Address to the UN General Assembly

Runner Up
"But even Ahmadinejad didn't bring his normal level of lunacy. He realized that no matter what he did, he was following one of the all time nuts: legendary international terrorist supporter, Libya's Muammar Gaddafi, who appeared at the UN for the first time in his 40-year reign, looking like what would happen if a wax figure of Little Richard somehow snuck in and raided Rue McClanahan's closet." - Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

Religion(?)
"He hasn't been banned. Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers." -British grocery chain Tesco responds to accusations of religious discrimination by Daniel Jones, founder of the International Church of Jediism, who was asked to remove his hood while shopping in a North Wales store.

Runner Up
"I’ve been an atheist all my life but I always knew that if my mum asked me when she was dying if there was a heaven I’d say yes. I’d lie. I think that’s how religion started — as a good lie. If you’re not an atheist you can watch The Invention of Lying without getting angry. I watch films about angels, love ’em. I don’t think you have to treat something that comes down on one side as propaganda.” —Ricky Gervais

God Bless that Jay-Z Song.

So sometimes I get sad.

And sometimes I forget how great this country is.

But then I watch the “Party in the U.S.A.” video, and everything is right in the world.



But then I get too happy and start losing touch with reality.

And then I listen to the “Education Connection” commercial on loop for 30 minutes while following along with the lyrics.



And then I realize how stupid this country can be.

So I get sad again.

So then I watch the “Party in the U.S.A.” video.

Friday Five


When my girlfriend is feeling chipper, I get more affection. When she’s depressed, my pharmaceutical portfolio gets bullish. The conflict of interest is killing me.

The walls of my cubicle look like a Magic Eye. Since I’ve never been good at these puzzles, I can’t tell what the message says. It’s either “Big dreams, hard work, and a little bit of luck will pay major dividends” or “Go hang yourself.”

My grandmother’s mantra is “Never wish ill on anyone.” Comments like that remind me that she’s from a pre-Rachel Ray generation.

In an effort to cut costs during the economic downturn, I was planning to bring my lunch to work instead of eating out. My idea was shot to hell, however, when I saw how much a hip flask costs.

Even though my male intuition demands that facebook quizzes are absurd, I've given in to the temptation on occasion. After three attempts, however, I decided to call it quits, since having "You are most like Miranda" posted on my wall was way too embarrassing. I'm definitely more like Charlotte.

The Future is Now: Bionic Eye Edition


Don't jump to any conclusions about the title: Bionic Eye is simply the name of a sweet new app for the iPhone 3GS. A few weeks ago, I talked about augmented reality in the Yelp app, but pointed out it was buggy and didn't work very well. I downloaded Bionic Eye today and I'm pretty impressed with the results:

First of all, you need an iPhone 3GS to utilize this app - the compass is required to make all this "augmented reality" stuff actually work. Luckily for this post, I own a 3GS. According to the app, Bionic Eye supports these points of interests:

Fast Food:
- Mcdonald's
- Subway
- Taco Bell
- Burger King
- KFC
- Wendy's
- Johnny Rockets
- Arby's
- Carl's Jr
- Panda Express
- Hardee's
- Fatburger

Restaurants:
- Domino's Pizza
- Pizza Hut
- Hooters
- The Cheesecake Factory
- Hard Rock Cafe
- Chili's Grill & Bar

Coffer, Pastry & Ice Cream:
- Starbucks
- Ben & Jerry's
- Krispy Kreme Doughnuts

Leisure:
- WiFi
- Tourist Locations
- Apple Store

Accomodation:
- Holiday Inn
- Best Western
- Marriott
- Hilton
- Ramada
- Super 8
- Motel 6

Subway Stations:
- New York Subway
- Washington Metro
- Chicago L Rapid Transit

As you can see in the picture, the restaurant and fast food POIs work pretty well. I had a problem downloading the Chicago L stations for $2.99, so I have to call Apple to figure that out. You can hold your phone up to look around to find the nearest POI, or hold it parallel to the ground to get an easy listing of things nearby. So far so good, and it's definitely more refined than Yelp's prototype, "Monicle."

Over/Under Rated: Say It Like a Rapper

We all have been in a situation where you needed to tell someone something, but not sure of the way to say it. Or how. Or when. Or why. Oh the dilemmas!

In the great scheme of life- coming clean isn't easy, but doing it early always saves face down the road. I can think of about a million overrated ways to tell someone x, y or z, but it never comes across the way I wanted it to or leaves the recipient smiling afterward. I'll spare everyone the long list of overrated ways- just think of all the times your message didn't come across as you wanted it to.*

Along came Ellen and her idea to say "those things" using a voice altering mic, and I think she has tapped into the most underrated way to say just about anything*. Awesome, I want one of these asap. I know if we could get TPain and MLR together for a session, one sick JOTW would evolve.



Was anyone else surprised that TPain had those moves?!!?

Oh yeah, and he made sure that when someone said "yo! that was tight!", you can turn to them and say "word- there's an app for that."

Happy rapping, AMDAL iPhone carriers!


*clarification/edits added to help clear up the O/U rated aspect of this post.

Submitted Without Comment



Source: Perez

Who's the Biggest Blowhard?

A comment in yesterday's Smoke-Worth Moments post suggested that both Al Gore and I are "blowhards." As someone who doesn't fly a private jet all around the world, lecturing everybody else on how their carbon emissions are destroying the planet, I thought it was an odd comparison. But perhaps I am mistaken. So let's have a poll. To make things interesting, I've included the author of the original comment as well.
The poll closes tomorrow afternoon, so make sure you vote (over there on the right) before then. As always, comments are welcomed. Finally, so we're all on the same page, lets define blowhard to mean "someone who blusters and boasts in an unpleasant way."

Update: While it was a veritable nail-biter - WOHJR and I were tied at 13 with less than a minute to go - some serious latecomers voted at the very last second and gave me the win (or loss, depending on your view, I guess). Thanks to all for participating and to Al Gore and his hot air for inspiring the poll.

Final Tally: Scos - 17 (47%), WOHJR - 13 (36%), Al Gore - 6 (16%)

Photoshop Work: Block

It's A TRAP!


I’ve always wondered how actors/actresses must feel when, in the middle of a project, they realize they are a part of some of the shoddiest material ever put on film. I pace around my apartment and think about this 2-3 hours a day (Solution #36 of how to psychologically deal with unemployment).

I wish I could have been inside of Eddie Murphy’s head halfway through the filming of The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

I would kill to read Kevin Costner’s diary entries circa 1997 when he was busy directing and starring in The Postman.

Alas, none of these dreams can come true. But starting tonight, I think it is safe to say we have another piece of art that is truly setting itself up to join this exclusive, “What in God’s name were you thinking when you made this you big dummy/times can’t be thaaaat rough, you don’t see me making irrational decisions like this/why do you hate yourself and everyone that stumbles upon this piece of crap” club.


At 9:30 EST, on ABC, Cougar Town finally hits television screens all over the country. The ads for the sitcom are relentless, from the uncomfortably unfunny commercials to the large-scale advertisements in every stop of the NYC.

This will be, mark my words, the worst television show of the decade. These are not numbers I’m throwing out there, willy-nilly. Not since 1996 has there been a more unexcusable slip through the cracks in the form of a television show that made it on air (1996’s Homeboys in Outer Space, god bless it’s soul).

Now, whether you know it or not, I happen to be an expert in cougars of the womanfolk persuasion, spending a significant part of my undergraduate career examining them and learning their ways, their hopes, and their dreams (“Seven Cougars that have changed my life for the better,” Oct. 31, 2008).

As the foremost twentysomething expert on cougars, I know for a fact that this—this thing—that I used to be so fond of on Friends is not a cougar. Cougars don’t try to be cougars, they just are—they were born that way. Helen Mirren doesn’t wake up every morning hoping to be attractive in the eyes of 22 year old boys. But she is, anyway, which makes her a cougar.

(a moment, please)



Tonight, I will be watching Cougar Town, and I hope to be alone in my masochistic endeavor. I will be watching it purely for scholarly purposes, nothing more. Do not fall victim to the traps of advertisement and boring Wednesday nights by watching this nonsense. It will probably ruin your fall, and remember, this is only Day 3. It’s that serious.

Cameras, Phones and Camera Phones

Technological advances in the past fifty years or so have yielded a few trends that appear to be true across many different devices. For example, size seems to be a one-way street. Phones, cameras, music players... they all seem to get smaller, to a certain point, as the technology improves. Even TVs, which get bigger and bigger, still get lighter and slimmer as cathode tubes give way to plasmas and LCDs which will give way to OLEDs.

Another trend that seems to be something of a universal truth is the combination of functions in single devices. Cell phones can play music and take pictures, TVs can hook directly to the Internet and PlayStations double as Blu-Ray players. The demand for convenience and bang-for-your-buck seem to drive these trends and, unless you look carefully, everybody wins.

That is, everybody except the camera.

For some reason, the camera has been left by the wayside, casually forgotten by the side of the road like the ugliest puppy in the litter. Other than being able to take pictures and video, which isn't much of a leap, the camera remains a one-function device. Moreover, cameras have been shoved into everything else. Cell phones, mp3 players, computer monitors, laptops and just about every other hand held device nowadays contains a camera. Mike Birbiglia, one of my favorite comedians, once joked: "...everything's also a camera. They'll be like, 'It's also a camera,' and I'm like, 'I just wanted a grapefruit.'"

The sad truth is that the camera in that grapefruit probably sucks. I still have yet to see a picture or video taken by a cell phone, mp3 player or grapefruit that would rival the quality of a $50 digital camera. The problem, I think, is that we've gone in the wrong direction. We don't need better cameras in our cell phones, we need better cell phones in our cameras!

Ever since Jemaine taped Bret's phone to his camera in Flight of the Conchords, I've been thinking. Recently, I drew up some specs for a new camera that has the full functionality of a camera with the normal, tangible knobs for on/off, zoom and shoot. For these sorts of operations necessary to photography, tangible rather than virtual buttons are necessary. On my camera, however, the screen also doubles as a freakin' cell phone! Check it out:

Guess what else? You could probably play video games, listen to music or surf the internet on this thing, too! I see no reason why we've let cameras become the only monofunctional device and doomed their multifunctionality to second-rate versions.

Let's turn this ship around. I don't want a cell phone that takes crappy pictures; I want a camera that rings and takes calls. Anyone who has dropped an iPhone in the toilet and had to use their Motorola SLVR from 2007 knows that you get the same reception on an old device as a new device. Are you telling me that a camera couldn't compete with 2007 technology?

I refuse to believe it.

I've also been working on a camera that can make waffles, however, I think I still have a few kinks to iron out.


Jamie Jones ft. Egytian Lover - "Galactic Space Bar"


Disclaimer: I'm a little spent after writing the Mad Men post below so hopefully a lot of these videos speak more for themselves than I can muster up right now.

Another one of Mike S's artist, Jamie Jones' video above is just fun to watch and re-watch. The song is pretty good but it's really the dancing that does it for me. I particularly like the kid at the beginning. Some of you bankers out there could try busting your dance moves next time you leave work with briefcase in hand. Guaranteed to get you laid.

Runners up after the break


Runners Up:

Drake ft. Kanye West, Lil Wayne & Eminem - "Forever"

I actually don't love this video but I figure the names in the title will up AMDAL's hit counter with google and twitter and that's good for everyone right? Usually when you see names like the ones in the title and the fact that Hype Williams directed it is a good sign. And don't get me wrong, it's very decent. The song itself is good but a bit long and not a lot happens in the video besides a repetitive LeBron montage and flames shooting out from all over. Still, everyone but Kanye kill this. Let me know what you think.

Kid Cudi - "Pursuit Of Happiness" Live On David Letterman

Kid Cudi is my favorite rapper out there, but I'm almost hesitant to say that. Not because he's not awesome (he is) but because he's not really a rapper. Like Drake, Kid Cudi can sing, and sing pretty well. This song is my favorite off his latest album (go get it if you don't have it yet). The album version is a little better because it's got MGMT on it but this is your first glimpse. Please believe the official video will be on AMDAL once it comes out.

Busta Rhymes "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See"

Speaking of Hype Williams, this is almost undoubtedly his finest work (not this). Same could be said for Busta Rhymes. Not much more to say.

Smoke-Worthy Moments In Mad Men - Episode 306


(Don Draper couldn't be located for this Draperism so Joan Halloway is stepping in)

Joan Halloway is a better secretary, ad man, fraternizer and surgeon than you. Golf? Lights out.



Top Moments of Episode 306: Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency

Mentors
We all knew from Episode 303 that something was bound to happen with Connie. Turns out Vulture was right: Connie = Conrad Hilton, Time cover man, hotel mogul and grandfather to the (porn)stars, Paris and Nicky Hilton. Knowing how Weiner and Co. have no problems lingering on scenes, I'm a little upset this one was cut short. Still, both guys got some zingers in - Connie in particular had a favorite line of the show - after initial refusing to give free advice to Connie, Don asks what he wants. "I want one for free" Connie replies firmly. Minutes later, Connie repays the favor, asking Don what he wants. Less firmly, Don asks for the Hilton's business. "Next time a man like me asks you a question like that, I'd expect you to set your sights higher." Don calmly waxes about snakes suffocating on mice and says "One opportunity at a time."

Does this feel familiar to anyone? What about that dinner scene that Peggy and Pete got from Duck? Pete, the dickhole that he is, responded by being insulted that a co-op dinner wasn't enough to be woo'd. While it shows some Don-like cajones, I think it was too brash. It's too bad Pete Campbell couldn't witness the magic of his Sterling Cooper idol this week; Pete has a thing or two to learn about humility and patience (Remember his pout to Trudy earlier this season: "Why can't I have the success all at once?").

But what about Peggy? She seemed to have handled that same dinner quite smoothly - expressing her discomfort with the situation while at the same time not completely rejecting the offer. Good training? Peggy is and has always been Don's favorite. But it's clear everything she does drips Don Draper - the ad-ephiphanies, the assertive (if unsuccessful) request for a raise, and now the handling of a potentially better offer. "I want what you have" Peggy said to Don last episode. Their relationship to date was best summed up in the 10 second exchange between the two this episode over champagne. Peggy thinks the champagne is good. "I don't think so" Don replies. On the surface, it's Don being Don - surly and to the point. But Don is also openly displaying his frustration about the party, the British rule and his place in it. And he isn't afraid to let Peggy see it. It's as if to say "See Peggy, we're both just employees now - you have what I have and it's not everything either of us want." Too bad Draper Olsen doesn't have the same ring as Sterling Cooper.

The Lawn Mower Scene
Every week since starting Smoke-Worthy Moments ("SWM"), I've used my little black book ("LBB") to jot down notes while I watch / rewatch each episode. I'll avoid the [Apple symbol] style show-and-tell and just explain to you that when this scene came up, there was a big blank spot where my chicken scratch would normally go. The reason for going au natural was because a) I was too busy watching and b) every detail was engrained in my head. Smitty hands over the mower to Lois in the background. Louis' face as the tractor lurches forward. The confetti spray of blood (see GIF file below, which will reach meme-like status on the internets very shortly). Peggy fainting only to be caught by Pete. Joan working quickly to staunch the bleeding. Guy's belly-aching (what a baby). All was too much to avert my eyes. And you can't beat Roger's line, "Somewhere in this business, this has happened before," for denouement.



Remember Season 1 when Weiner used dark comedy to depict a very important relationship and a turning point in the season? If not, go back and watch Episode 107. Summary: Roger tosses his cookies oysters all over the office floor in front of the Nixon people. Funny yes, but also important because it established Don as alpha male.

Like that scene, there's a lot to be gleaned from the chaos here. In two minutes Joan has established herself as a key contributor to Peggy's rise, a more competent head hen in the bullpen over Moneypenny and even has better hands than her useless husband, Dr. Rapist. While Peggy shows she's not invincible within the company walls, Pete Campbell is once again the good guy by sheer luck. And Lois...sigh...all I have to say is that she can't be fired because without her comedic relief, Mad Men will be in serious jeopardy. Besides, who else will defeat the British? I thought this was Amurica?!

When Worlds Collide: Don and Joan
Joan's had a rough couple weeks and this episode was no exception. Some may have noticed the light imagery this episode. Did anyone see how Joan ceremoniously "closed" the light in her apartment after hearing the bad news about Dr. R's impotent fingers? While this may seem heavy-handed, it's an interesitng tie to the next shot of Don staring happily at the turned-off bedroom ceiling lamp above his head. While Joan's hopes of retirement and house-wivery have been dashed, Don is simultaneously contemplating the English promotion. But in that hospital waiting room (what's with these waiting rooms?), everything seems to change.

So what is going on here? Don laughs not once but twice at Joan's jokes. Don blushes when she kisses him on the cheek. Don stares longingly as she walks out. I'll tell you what's going on here: we just witnessed Superman and Batman briefly teaming up to fight the forces of evil (or boredom, whichever comes first on MM). BMar didn't like this scene because it felt forced. I respectfully disagree and think he's fucking stupid*. I swear I haven't seen that much emotion out of either character in the last 2 seasons. And the scene wasn't longer than 3 minutes (Again, Weiner, stop being a cock tease).

So we obviously benefited from watching, but which character got more out of this brief exchange? Don clearly had a chance to relax with someone who is in this author's opinion, his only equal. It was more familial than sexual - not since being in California with the Real Mrs. Draper was he able to be himself. But there's no question Joan was the winner of the scene (and arguably the episode). Don let her know how he felt about her professionally - arguably the biggest compliment he's given anyone in the office to date. And her heroism with Guy didn't go unnoticed, in either the Brits' eyes or in Don's. Should Don move on, Joanie's secured her spot.


It was good for me, was it good for you?

*Hat tip: Kidding BMar, thanks for the good call on Joan's surgical hands

Random Thoughts

Actual bumper sticker on a car parked outside my apartment: “War is not the answer.” I’d like to make my own: “What does the second ‘W’ in WWII stand for?”, stick it on my bumper and double park next to the guy. Not only is that phrase meaningless, but now you’re blocked in.

On ESPN, Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden both argued that in the AFC East my New York Jets were going to win less games than they did last season. I found that so infuriating, because the word is fewer.

Yesterday I saw a young couple arguing on the C train. The thing is, they were both deaf and instead of yelling, they were flailing their arms and signing like mad. Although I couldn’t understand what they were saying, the whole time I thought, The woman’s probably wrong.

I was in Ann Arbor recently and on the way to church one Sunday morning I walked past a fraternity that had this huge banner hanging from its roof: “Rush Delta Upsilon. Building Better Men Since 1834.” Underneath the banner, on the lawn, was a kid passed out in a pile of red party cups. He had penis drawn on his face and he was missing a shoe.

Over Labor Day weekend I decided to go fishing for some fluke. On my way down to the dock I ran into this adorable six-year old kid. As soon as he saw me he asked, “Why do you have that fishing rod?” Without hesitation, I said, “To pick up little boys.” The whole exchange was pretty funny, because despite his young age, the kid thought I was joking.

Will This Ever Get Old?


Probably not.

Dartmouth News: Inauguration Recap


Today's Inauguration was marked by a number of festivities and flamboyant affairs. The scene on the Green was actually more impressive than that set up annually at Graduation. There were plenty of media, two stages, in fact, and a plethora of food booths serving free multicultural dishes from "around the world": Taste of Africa, Gusanoz, and Yama were all dishing out their diverse delicacies.

Laudatory speeches by highly recognizable figures --a letter of support from the President of Korea, a speech by Dr. Paul Farmer-- and a performance by the Dartmouth Native American group Occom Song, highlighted the impressive afternoon.

In the end it was Dr. Kim, of course, who's speech was most important.

He took advantage of his allotted time to remind us of what makes Dartmouth what it is; of its tradition* and its place in history as a nearly 250 year-old institution of higher learning and excellence, and one that was recently named by US News and World Report the number one school in the world for undergraduate teaching; of a place where collaboration and "sweetness," as he called it, were hallmarks of the learning experience; and as a place where the great issues will continue to be discussed, challenged, and overcome as students are trained to become great thinkers, and doers--the Kims and Farmers of tomorrow.

He echoed the Dartmouth aphorism addressing the Class of 2013 and others saying that "the world's problems are your problems," and what better way to understand their complex nature and interactions than to begin their study and combat in Hanover, in an undergraduate, teaching-focused environment. It was to this end that the audience reacted most approvingly, rupturing into spontaneous applause at Kim's suggestion that faculty step up to bat with students and reinvigorate and challenge themselves as well in resurrecting the mandatory senior-year Great Issues course of John Sloan Dickey's day. This is the first step by a new President with an impressive history of accomplishments. Dartmouth awaits his next --our next.

*I'm pretty sure I was the only one shouting-out "Lest the Old Traditions fail!" during the Alma Mater... Item 2 on Kim's agenda.

Push Gmail For Your iPhone(!)


Non-iPhone owners can stop here. For the rest of you, this post is so important I've brought out my black-framed nerd-specs and my speech-class repressed lisp for this one.

Guyth, seriouthly, lithen to me on thith one


Remember in May when I said you could sync your phone to Google Calendar and Contacts but that you'd have to wait patiently for instant (push) gmail? Well the wait is over.


Google explains how to do it here. If you already have sync set up, it's as easy as flipping the Mail switch to "On."

Once again, Google proving its worth beyond the iPhone but still (for now) requiring the semi-symbiotic relationship until a better piece of Android hardware comes out. Thweet.

Update: Make sure you've saved your contacts from your iphone to an external source FIRST. You can do this with a CSV file (a type of excel spreadsheet). Just Google "CSV" and whatever mail program you use (I know that sounds dismissive but there are a bunch of different mail services and respective CSV creators so just give the internets a look). Also, this process does NOT save pictures assignments. A small price to pay.

Home is Where the Brew Is


What has a good sense of humor, write ups in major New York news sources and the ability to simultaneously make you feel drunk and accomplished?

Why, the Brooklyn Brew Shop of course.

I don’t know what it is, but the idea of brewing my own beer sounds particularly rewarding. I’ve always been a fan of brewery visits and the “when in Rome” philosophy of trying to buy local ales whenever possible. I delight in a good microbrew and enjoy when a beer has a story or history. Combine all of this with a love for creating things – whether it’s ad copy, a gourmet meal or an attempt at art – and I think I’d be the perfect candidate for a home brewing venture. Except for that whole part where it appears to be an incredibly daunting process. I'm 97% convinced I'd poison someone without proper supervision.

Enter my friend, Erica, over at the Brooklyn Brew Shop. She and her boyfriend, Stephen, have (bravely) quit their jobs and dedicate themselves to a venture that makes home brewing possible even in the tiniest of New York apartments. They developed nifty little one-gallon kits that help beginners brew 12 bottles of whichever of their recipes strikes your fancy, from Grapefruit Honey Ale to Chocolate Maple Porter (with even more delicious varieties rumored to arrive in the coming weeks). And for those of us looking for a way to buck the economy, there's nothing thriftier than handcrafted beer that only runs about $1.12 per bottle. And if that still sounds scary, they host events that pair their beer with food and walk future home brewers through the process.

Though they sell the kits in person at the Brooklyn Flea, their aesthetically pleasing (and wallet friendly) systems - which include grain, hops and yeast - are also available through their online store, which is great for lazy people like me who don’t want to travel to the outer-boroughs or the non-NYC contingency of our readership. The approachable, nicely designed and sarcastically-written site makes even the weariest of future brewers feel like they can be the next Sam Calagione.


"Brewing your own beer makes you feel like you could go back in time and survive."
Wise wise words from Stephen Valand,
co-founder


I don’t know about you, but I see myself writing a post in the near future, while sipping a home brewed porter and relaxing by the fireplace (that I don’t have).

Liveblog: The Kim Inauguration

Date Night Delight


You coasted through the first date dinner with the greatest of ease and an abundance of wine. Totally rocked the second date drinks at a somewhat cheesy happy hour, and even scored a drunken public makeout sesh at the end of the night. But now the 3rd date dilemma… Do you actually like this person or was it just the end of summer lonelies? If the answer is yes then sack up, make that middle of the week third date and dare to 'gasp' make him or her dinner. Because, let’s face it, nothing says “I’m pretty into you and I would definitely be into boning” like a home cooked meal. So clean your kitchen, send your roommates out and continue reading to make the following delicious and grown-up meal without breaking a sweat.



Dijon Glazed Salmon with Green Beans and Yam Fries
The directions below are timed so you can do all three components in about a ½ hour. Take that, Rachel Ray!

Salmon- 2 fillets
Dijon mustard (Grey Poupon of course)
Lemons- 1
Green beans- 3 cups
Yams - 2
Pam cooking spray


- Preheat oven to 450 degrees
-Cover two baking pans (or one large one) with tinfoil and spray with Pam

Yams
- Peel yams and chop into fry size pieces, sprinkle with one spoonful of olive oil and lots of salt. Toss so all pieces are coated and put in baking pan. Put in oven and set timer for 25 minutes.

Salmon
- Season salmon on both sides with salt and pepper
- Use a cheese grater to take the zest off of one lemon. Save the rest of the lemon.
-Combine the lemon zest with 1 tablespoon of olive oil and 1 and ½ tablespoons of Dijon mustard in a little bowl.
-Stir this together and spread on top of salmon fillets in a thick layer
-Open oven and place salmon on same pan as fries or on a separate pan (if no room) and bake for about 18 minutes - you should be able to slide a fork through the middle of the fillet.


Green Beans
- While salmon is baking bring a pot of water to boil and add a 1/2 tablespoon of salt.
- Once boiling, drop in green beans and cook for 2 minutes. Take them out and run them under cold water to stop the cooking process. (This is called blanching- it cooks the greens while allowing them to maintain color and crunch)

- Serve salmon with a wedge of the lemon you used for the zest and a side of green beans and yam fries. Put out a little dish of the Dijon mustard for a dipping sauce for the fries.

If your date isn’t impressed then they are not worth your time and you should be happy you didn’t waste money on an expensive dinner out!