Good Movie/Better Movie: Adventureland

The raison d'être of Good Movie/Better Movie was to look at good movies and suggest ways that they could somehow be improved. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to ignore the original purpose of something and use the forum for public service. Do you remember watching GI Joe cartoons as a kid? Sure, the reason that you tuned in was to watch some killer, cartoon warfare but at the end of the show, Snowjob would show up on some hill and teach you a lesson about ice skating safety.** Well, this is one of those times for Good Movie/Better Movie; I need to make a PSA.

Adventureland is a good movie the same way that Tori Spelling is hot. She's not hot when compared to most female celebrities, however, globally, she would still fall on the positve side of the 1 to 10 scale because she's still hotter than the morbidly obese, the elderly, the starving, the invalid, dead people and most dudes. By any other metric, she's gross. Compared to any other decent movie, Adventureland is a huge disappointment, however, because movies like Epic Movie and Good Luck Chuck exist, I guess I could consider Adventureland a "good movie" for the purposes of getting it into Good Movie/Better Movie, if only so I can warn you off of it. That's what this is: a PSA to not see Adventureland (despite its 88% Tomatometer rating).

You know what would have improved Adventureland? Comedy! From the previews, the posters and the reviews I was under the delusion that this movie was supposed to be funny. Ryan Reynolds was in it, two SNL members were in it and the theme of marijuana was heavily infused. Welcome to Chuckle City, right? Wrong! Welcome to The Sad Look on the Face of a Homeless Guy's Dog City. By the way, this city is terrible! Why would anyone create such a city?

Adventureland is about a guy with no personality and frizzy hair who's hyper-pretentious and sucks. He's the kind of guy that would use a needless french phrase where an English phrase would serve the exact same function. He gets a job at a carnival because his dad gets demoted at work and he's not qualified to do anything else despite his college degree (really?). Now, instead of going to Columbia grad school, he has to spend all summer smoking weed, drinking booze and making out with the two hottest girls in the amusement park. Boo hoo! They hook up with him despite the fact that he says things like, "I read poetry for fun" without irony and despite the fact that he weighs about 95 lbs. soaking wet and holding a stack of books about Emily Dickinson's vagina. Oh, and you better believe he spends the whole movie pissing and moaning about his lot in life because he's got it so bad.

Right away, you hate this guy. Even chicks who listen to the Jonas Brothers hate this guy. You think that the movie is a comedy, though, so you can't wait for either bad stuff to happen to him or for him to learn an important life lesson so that he transforms into a dude you can stand. Well guess what? Neither happens!

Adventureland lacked jokes, levity and perspective but, most of all, it lacked clowns. I know that most people hate clowns because they're super creepy and they're heavily associated with child rape but if you need to take some arrogant prick down a peg or two, they are your strongest allies. When Boring Main Character Whose Name I've Chosen Not To Remember (or BMCWNICNTR, for short) starts talking about how he wants to write nonfiction travel journals just like Dickens, WHAMMO! Pie him in the face! When BMCWNICNTR waxes poetic about how Shakespearean sonnets affected his first relationship, KAPOW! Spray some seltzer in his eyes! When he's having an introspective moment about how much he hates his life wherein two babes inexplicably throw themselves at him and things get "complicated" BLAMMO! Run him over with a clown car and then, like, a dozen clowns all pile out of the car and break his knees with their clown crowbars! Also, they spit on him and he cries.

Now, that's funny! Okay, maybe that last one was a little violent but I think the point remains: clowns would have added the necessary jocularity that a comedy should have and that Adventureland sorely lacked. Normally, that role would have been occupied by Ryan Reynolds but the makers of this film decided that they'd rather have him play a troubled custodian trapped in an unfulfilling job and a broken marriage. Good call, fellas! I can accept that Ryan Reynolds doesn't have to be funny in every movie but, dammit, if he's not going to be funny, he'd better at least be shirtless (see Amityville Horror). Putting Ryan Reynolds in your movie without letting him be funny or shirtless is like hiring Randy Moss to be your divorce attorney: you're just not making use of his most valuable skills.

How would clowns help? Maybe Ryan Reynolds leans in to smell a pretty flower, next thing, "squirt!" his shirt is covered in ink! Better take that off, Ryan! Maybe that's a little ridiculous and more than a little suspicious for an allegedly straight guy like myself to suggest but the point remains: Adventureland sucked and could have been greatly improved with a boatload of clowns running around and pranking the crap out of the main characters. It might not have been a great movie this way but it would have at least been a funny movie. We can only hope they make a sequel!

**Okay, here's the parody version I know you were hoping for.