It was in this setting that I awoke one morning to jackhammering in the kitchen above. Or was it pile driving? Actually it was my brother making a turkey sandwich. Below I'd like to share with you the anatomy of said sandwich --a sandwich that tastes much more delicious than any standard homemade protein, carb mush.
Step 1: Lay out your ingredients. Just like in construction, always use the right tools for the job. Don't work hard. Work smart. Laying out your ingredients in advance is like laying out your school clothes the night before; it gets you in the proper mental state for success. It also saves opening the fridge 20 times (this is the hybrid of sandwich making).
Step 2: Jackhammering. This is really the Pièce de résistance of the family sandwich. Lay out some paper towels. Place the cold cuts flat upon them. Fold over the paper towel and beat away.
Ever had a soggy sandwich hours after you made it? Wonder why? Cold cuts have lots of sodium in them. They retain water (simple osmotic gradients). Over the course of a few hours your drier bread soaks up this water and becomes disgusting. Beating the shit out of your meat (!) prior to fixing your sandwich prevents this. This is crucial. I promise.
Step 3: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. Silverware is silly (see my theory on eating applesauce). Just as you wouldn't eat a Snickers with a knife and fork, so too with preparing/eating a sandwich. Instead of dirtying a knife to spread the mustard, just apply as so with streaks of mustard in opposite directions. Touch the two pieces of bread together and voila! Your surface area is covered.
Step 4: Fold your turkey properly. Laying cold cuts down flat reduces surface area available to taste. "Rolling" or "folding with creativity" as I call it, lets the taste get out of the meat. It also makes the sandwich airier or less condensed. Don't stifle the taste!
Step 5: Add your fixin's, grab a nice seat, a cold drink, and some reading material and enjoy.
ps- If you're wondering what the hell that yellow drink is, just wait till next week when I welcome back our hispanic readers (nuestros lectores hispanoparlantes) with a special post about this fascinating politically and economically game-changing drink.
12 comments:
Here is the real process:
1. Consider going to Quiznos
2. Realize you are an idiot
3. Go to Subway
4. Decide between an oven roasted chicken breast sandwich for $5.00 or up the ante and pay the $6.50 for the turkey sub. Both excellent choices.
What I'm wondering about has nothing to do with that questionable yellow substance, but rather pertains to why you chose to enjoy that delightful looking turkey sang with this month's edition of Glamour magazine.
3 slices? Amateur.
haha. nice. i'm glad you called me out on that. In fact, I usually use 3 or 4 depending on how i try to stretch out my meat for the week. I almost included a friendly suggestion to not use 2 for the same amateur reasons youre proposing.
Makens, glamour magazine is quickly becoming my favorite replacement for all of the airline miles that were stolen from me.
You are the worst.
It looks like that tomato has been sliced into convenient sandwich sized slices. Did you use a utensil to do the slicing? Couldn't you have then used that utensil to spread the mustard? At that point, the dirty utensil is a sunk cost and you might as well use it. And where is the mayonnaise? And what if you don't have a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise/mustard, do you dip the bread in the jar or do you just give in and use silverware in that situation?
I think V-Nasty may be on the right track with his step one, but then he seems to run wildly off course in steps 2-4.
RMC, thanks for your input. The answers to your questions lie in planning in advance. You know you're not going to use a knife to spread mustard (god forbid mayonnaise -- what do you live in Uruguay?), so buy the squeeze bottle and forget it!
Re the slicing knife, it's an interesting consideration. But generally I use a large wide bladed knife that wouldn't fit easily in a normal mustard jar or wouldn't clean so easily with a rinse. I don't want to take a "butter knife" out of the rotation and put it into the dishwasher for two seconds of usage. A cutting knife I can just throw in the dish drier until tomorrow.
And anonymous: just wait till next week!
AMDAL is just letting anybody write anything these days. Remember the site - things white people love? Think of how many times you probably visited that site the first week you found out about it vs how many times you visit now. I fear as this site is heading down the same fad fever fate, especially with posts like How to Make a Turkey Sandwich. While well written, this isn't a creative writing class. Entertain us bitches. Maybe a "weakest writer" competition? The least interesting will naturally be weeded out. Whereas, in the current system the best writers will probably grow tired of sharing space (and all 50 cents of ad revenue) with the B-team and start their own blogs.
Thank you Anonymous for the unsolicited advice. Of course it would mean more if it came from a named source but we'll take what we can get.
As long as it's fun, AMDAL will continue to change / evolve. If your attention span for humor and turkey sandwiches (sometimes simultaneously!) lasts only a week, we appreciate your visit and hope you come again real soon. After all, our goal has always been to get laid via smarmy humor and thinly veiled dick jokes. So until that happens, we'll be here, doing what's entertaining to us, and hopefully one or two others.
Also, I didn't realize turkey sandwiches were a fad fever - thanks for the tip.
In all fairness, Anonymous, I believe what Apple Symbol meant to write was, "It was in this setting that I awoke one morning to jackhammering in the kitchen above. Or was it pile driving? Actually, it was my brother, getting jackhammered and pile drived by my drunken uncle, who actually thought my brother was my sister. Below I'd like to share with you the anatomy of said position - a position that looks much more pernicious than any standard homemade uncle-on-nephew mush."
The rest of the post can be altered in this manner. Thanks for the catch and I hope you keep reading.
Apple Symbol, you are one perverted dude!
just had two PB and Js for lunch. details to come.
WILL THERE BE SNACKS!?!
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