Random Thoughts

To me, happiness isn't something you can attain simply by doing good or spending time with your friends and family or even pursuing some noble goal. Happiness is also about having lots of money. And to get it that money, you need to make your friends and family think that you'll pay them back.

As I dragged the blade of my new razor across the irritation of my neck, I thought back to the time I dragged the hull of my new sailboat across the pavement of my driveway.

Actual front-page headline of this week’s Village Voice: “Who Do We Have to Blow to Get Gay Marriage in New York?” I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure that type of rhetoric isn’t helping your case. Perhaps try something a little less polarizing, like Fellate.

Most women who are looking for love really only care about one thing: commitment. So, if you’re having a good first date with a woman and she invites you up to her apartment, decline. This lets her know that you’re not just trying to “get some.” Then, say "I love you," to let her know you’re in it for the long run.

Whenever I go in for my annual checkup and the doctor asks me how many drinks I normally have in a week, I always think for a second, come up with a ballpark figure and then subtract fifteen.