A Confession

This photo displays how mythical creatures can live in perfect harmony.

If a vampire, werewolf and undead Mario can't get along, who can?

Can you hear that in the distance? No? Listen closely. Ahhh there it is. The terrifying sound of millions of teen girls losing their shit. Unless you live in a hole, or maybe in Hanover, you know that last week marked the much awaited release date of the second installment of Twilight. You can’t sign onto a legitimate American website these days without seeing reviews for New Moon and pictures of Taylor Lautner’s abs plastered across the homepage. Odds are some creepy middle-aged secretary in your office took a day off last week to wait in line for tickets. Or your younger sister/girlfriend/mom has Robert Pattenson’s mug taped up all over her room. In fact, things have gotten so out of hand that if I found out that my dad’s copy of American Lion was actually one of those hollowed out books inside which he secretly kept a copy of Breaking Dawn, I’m not entirely sure I’d be surprised.


So that’s why I chose to read Twilight, despite my better instincts. Because this phenomenon touches us all. And there aren’t enough safe words in the English language to stop it.

I figured this would be a good medium for my confession. We at AMDAL are nothing if not topical. If a post about Twilight, the greatest craze of our time, doesn’t fit that criterion, then I’m not quite sure what does (Wars? Recessions? Doubt it. Nothing is more topical than mythical creatures. See also, Block’s post on zombies.) And during some of our more momentous political debates, we’ve stressed the importance of taking a fair and balanced view of topics by educating ourselves on both sides of the issues at hand. I just couldn’t go on bashing something with no knowledge as to how good or bad it actually was. It’s like DMB – I mean, can that many people can’t be wrong? For all I knew, I was missing out on a literary masterpiece.

Now, as it turns out, I wasn’t. But to make all of my toiling through what can only be described as “vampire romance” feel worthwhile I’ve decided to share some of the excuses I’ve been forced to spin in the last few weeks. There’s nothing worse than the look of horror and pity on friends’ faces when you admit you have indulged in supernatural abstinence parables. So, just in case Edward Cullen fooled you too, here’s my handy dandy guide to how to lie your way out of an awkward Twilight confession moment:

1. My 18 Year Old Sister Made Me Do It
This excuse is especially great if you’re talking to someone who also has younger siblings. If all goes well, you can parlay it into a conversation about how many times your adorable little sis tricked you into watching The Little Mermaid when you were kids or how many years you had to pretend to believe in Santa, despite figuring out the ruse in 1992 due to one sloppy mistake on your mom’s part involving a doll that peed and a very thin Bradlee’s shopping bag.

2. Because Rob Pattinson’s in the Movie
Use this if you’re deep in conversation with a Harry Potter reader or any female superfan. If you’re lucky, the former will likely diverge on a tangent about how the random kid from the Goblet of Fire movie managed to land it big and become a huge heartthrob out of nowhere. If it’s the latter, a simple comment about how you WERE on Team Edward until you saw New Moon, but how you’re now on Team Jacob, will likely get you shunned, providing an easy exit from the conversation.

Accio faux hawk!

3. I Wanted to Perform an Analysis of How Stephanie Meyer Modeled Edward and Bella’s Relationship on that of Famous Literary Couples
This is perfect if the desired reaction is an over the top eye roll combined with an under the breath, “get a life.” Odds are this person won’t want to talk to you about anything after this, which could actually be a good thing depending on who it is. Warning: This approach is not for use with someone who could potentially be a secret lit nerd, as it could lead to an excruciating conversation around similarities between Edward and Darcy. Once this starts, I predict you’ll be looking to take a vamp fang to the eye.

4. I Enjoy Books That Make Me Feel Like the Author is Mocking My Intelligence
This is perfect if you know the person you’re speaking with actually read and enjoyed Twilight and you’re looking to horribly offend them.

5. I’m Actually an Abstinent Teetotaler and Was Happy to Finally Find a Book I Can Relate To
This works if you’re any of the following:
1. Mormon
2. Steve Carrell’s character from the 40 Year Old Virgin
3. A master of sarcasm