Taking Issue with Zombies

It's officially October--Halloween's month--and it seems as though you can't flip through the television channels, enter a theater or thumb through DVDs at the local video store nowadays without coming across a multitude of movies about zombies. Personally, I've never cared for zombie movies, however, in the last few years, they seem to have become all the "rage". According to Wikipedia, there have been 532 feature films about zombies and over 50% have been made since the year 2000! Clearly, there is something not only timelessly fascinating about the undead but something specifically captivating about them in the current zeitgeist.

The reason that I bring this up is because I was recently watching a movie on Showtime called Gangs of the Dead. When I saw the title, I thought to myself, "Oh man, this is going to be sweet! Gangs of zombies having a gang war while, at the same time, being zombies? YES!" Unfortunately, it was about a few gang members that had to hide from zombies. The twist? Three were Hispanic and three were Black. Huge letdown, I didn't even finish it. Call me when zombies are doing drive by maulings and selling zombie meth.

During the part of the movie that I did watch, a cop got bitten by a zombie and almost immediately turned into a zombie himself and started biting other people. A few scenes later, a lady was pulled from her vehicle and was eaten almost completely by zombies. She didn't get to turn into a zombie, it seemed, because she was consumed entirely. This confused me and I began to run the entire concept of the undead over in my mind.

Let's begin by taking as given that there are certain rules that govern zombies in most of their incarnations:

Rule #1: If a zombie bites you, you will turn into a zombie.
Rule #2: Zombies don't attack other zombies.
Rule #3: The most effective way to stop a zombie is to blow a zombie's head off and/or apart.

It's true that there are variations and exceptions to these rules, however, for the most part, these rules govern most modern zombie lore. This is where I take issue with Gangs of the Dead and many other zombie movies, video games and stories.

Issue #1: Turning vs. Getting Consumed. Zombies eat people; that's their M.O. However, if you get bitten, according to rule #1, you'll turn into a zombie and, according to rule #2, zombies don't eat other zombies. This is a paradox. Why is it that the cop in Gangs of the Dead turned into a zombie but the lady was eaten alive? In this movie, it's because another cop pulled the zombie off the first cop while nobody was around to help the lady out, ergo, cop gets turned, lady gets eaten.

So, that got me thinking, "Is the only thing stopping zombies from consuming people altogether just helpful and selfless non-zombies who interfere with the meal?" If so, then, at a certain tipping point, the zombie population would cease to grow because the victims would be less likely to escape with enough damage to turn into a zombie but without getting consumed completely. I've never seen a zombie movie in which the zombies eat, like, half of a guy and then realize they're eating a fellow zombie and, suddenly, stop and pursue other live people. I have, though, seen zombie movies where entire populations of people have been turned into pretty intact undead civilians. How could that be possible, though? Shouldn't there either be a small zombie population that goes around eating people OR a large zombie population that goes around biting but specifically not devouring people entirely? It's a conundrum.

Issue #2: Do Zombies Poop? If they're eating people all the time, the flesh has to go somewhere. It could either come out as unprocessed meat, gather in the digestive tract until the zombie explodes or come out as poop. I've never seen evidence that any of these scenarios play out in zombie stories, however, one of these things has to be going on and two of them require peristalsis. If a zombie can walk, can a zombie move flesh through its digestive system? If it can, does it process the flesh into poop? If it does, do zombies poop? If they do, where is all the zombie poop?!

Issue #3: The Importance of Heads. Zombies are the walking undead that have risen from the grave, right? If we look at rule #3, though, then we can surmise that zombies require their heads for some reason. Why? We're not sure. Furthermore, let's say that you get killed in a way that either removes your head from your body (i.e.g. guillotine) or in a way that destroys your head altogether (i.e.g. elephant stampede). In these cases, do you not get to come back from the dead as a zombie? Do Marie Antoinette and the dude from Scanners get to come back as headless zombies? If they can, how do you stop a headless zombie? If not, how much cranial damage can one sustain before one is no longer eligible to join the undead fray?

Another good question to ask is, is it the head that's so important or is it the brain? If it's not the brain, then what is it? If it is the brain, then is there variation among zombies depending on brain function before they were turned? Are regular zombies different from zombies of people with mental disabilities? Would sufferers of Down's Syndrome exhibit symptoms while terrorizing the streets as the undead? Stephen Hawking has a neurodegenerative disease; if he came back as a zombie, would he be able to walk? Would he be smarter than other zombies? If these questions seem ridiculous because you think that zombies are essentially a homogeneous group of bumbling, biting beings, then it begs the original question, why is the head so important to zombies?

Issue #4: Animals as Zombies. Can we just get an official ruling on this one because if you think that zombie birds are terrifying, just imagine zombie mosquitoes or zombie bacteria!

Issue #5: Decomposition and Destruction. Dead bodies decompose. At a certain point, they are no longer recognizable as human bodies. I'm assuming that the cremated don't come back as zombies and I'm assuming that most non-mummified Ancient Egyptians are too decomposed to come back as zombies. So, at what point are you too decomposed or destroyed to come back? If your body were preserved with chemicals, could you rise from the dead? Is this, again, about the brain? If so, we're back at issue #3. Could a dead guy's brain be put into a brainless zombie body and function? If so, would he be a zombie or a really, really ugly person? Would he be like the zombie version of Blade? If so, does this make Wesley Snipes more or less dangerous?

Of course, we'll never know how to resolve these issues, not until the zombie apocalypse, anyway. Personally, I can't wait. I'm much too curious about these issues to be put off by the prospect of thousands of soulless corpses storming my front door. Just remember, when the apocalypse does come, as soon as you've barricaded your entryway, fill up your bathtub with water. Eventually, it's going to be shut off and you're more likely to succumb to thirst than hunger. Also, keep a samurai sword with you at all times. That's not just good zombie advice; it's also a sweet thing to do in general.