How NOT to get swine flu. An essay in 5 parts, by Makens

I’d like to take time out from my usual column, “I Do Embarrassing Shit and Then Write About It,”* for a very important public service announcement about the dance craze terrible flu epidemic that’s sweeping the nation. That’s right, friends, we’re talking about H1N1. I know, I know. I’m sick of swine flu jokes too. That’s why I’m doing my part to eradicate this terrible virus by helping the AMDAL community join forces against it. * *

That said, I do think it helps to take your Tamaflu with a spoonful of sugary, syrupy humor. So, without further ado, Makens’ Top Tips for a Swine Free Holiday (i.e.g. Halloween, the only holiday that matters) Season.***

Tip #1: Don’t play quarters at Sophie’s, one of New York’s most preeminent dive bars, in the height of Swine Flu season. Don’t chant H-1-N-1-Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap every time the quarters fall on to the floor or into stagnant puddles of liquid that are forming on the table. Definitely don’t try and bounce these undoubtedly infested monetary units into your cups of beer. If you do happen to do any or all of these things, please be sure to read tips 2-5 all the more closely.

Tip #2: Gargle. Do it even if your girlfriend thinks it sounds weird and gross. Do it with Listerine. Do it with salt water. Do it with shots of vodka. I don’t care what you use, as long as it has little germ killers who will camp out on your tonsils and lay the smack down on the H1N1 squatters, who are undoubtedly planning to imitate Central Park’s hobbit population and pitch their little microbial tents on your tonsils for the long haul.

Tip #3: Watch this video.
Debate for 10-15 minutes whether or not the lady demonstrating the proper use of a Neti Pot is:

a) The subject of a lobotomy gone terribly wrong. Or actually, I guess, right.
b) Dead inside.
c) An alien from the Planet Teegeeack

She scares the shit out of me. I am going to have nightmares about her tonight. And she’ll be doing alternating toe touches. But that’s not the point. Disregard the fact that her eyes are devoid of life, and look at the valuable swine flu prevention tactic she taught us. This lady is like the MacArthur of the Anti-Swine Flu Army. Why? Nasal irrigation is KEY to staying healthy. The saline fluid kills all the little infectious buggers that like to loiter in your nose on their way to Throatsville. If the idea of hosing down your nostrils is unappealing, for some strange reason, you can also take the wimpier, less aquatic route and swab your nostrils with salt water and a q-tip. Feel free to submit videos of yourself doing either.

Tip #4: Don’t touch your face. This was one of the vaguer things I learned from the Health Departments PSA pamphlet. Like, don’t touch my face ever? What if I have to put on make up in the morning? Or I get some peanut butter smeared on my cheek while I’m eating my daily walk-to-work PBJ? And if I have an itch? I’m just supposed to leave it? But that’s so uncomfortable.

Tip #5: This one comes courtesy of my Vegan Buddhist Co-Worker, and not, say, the CDC. While I really admire her dedication to spirituality, I’ll admit that this seems a little counter intuitive. I figure I’d include it to cover my karmic bases, though. As AMDAL blows up, there is a significantly higher chance that at least one of our readers out there is a Buddhist Lama. This one’s for you, Lapsang.

Anyway, she suggests that in order to stay free of swine flu, we should contribute positive energy into the world by helping, caring for and thinking of people who are sick. Willing exposing myself to germs seems like the exact opposite of what one would want to do in this situation, but it seems to be working for her so far. I’ll keep everyone posted if it turns out a healthy diet of yoga, tofu and selflessness doesn’t prove to be the best defense against a worldwide flu pandemic.



So stay healthy AMDAL. Because I hear nothing kills the homecoming spirit like a bout of uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea, accompanied by a stabbing sore throat and the inability to get out of bed for two weeks.


*Gratuitous Footnote: Not that I didn’t do anything embarrassing this week, though. I just can’t make whole posting out of it. The stand out contestant for a post was more of a short moment, rather saturated with awkwardness. This is opposed to my usual lengthy anecdotes, where the awkwardness is evenly distributed among the molecules of normality and sanity for approximately one word doc page’s length of time.

* *Serious Footnote: After watching my little sister lose a healthy friend to what I had previously regarded as “nothing to worry about,” I started taking this brethren of bacon slightly more seriously. While I aimed to approach this post with a little humor, I hope everyone takes the right measures toward staying healthy, whatever that may be for you individually.

***Funny Footnote, unless you’re someone who wants to sue me, in which case this is actually a VERY legal disclaimer: Makens is not a doctor. (You’re thinking of Apple Symbol.) These tips do not guarantee that you won’t get swine flu. They’re merely meant as a PSA, taken from a pamphlet read to her during staff meeting today by her office manager.