1. Order a McRib or similar at McDonalds. Vomit. Order an apple pie (or 2 for $1!).
2. Go to the Nathan's Hot Dog contest at Coney Island. Root for the American or pray for the lead Japanese competitor to undergo a "reversal of fortune." As a consolation price, throw the other McDonalds apple pie at him.
3. Genuinely ask someone what all the fuss is in Iran. Wait for the answer.
4. Round up a few friends and try to locate Sudan on a map. Scratch head. Google it*.
5. Call someone else a derogatory name describing your own race/gender/orientation. 'Twitter' the police when that someone punches you in the face. File lawsuit. Offer to donate the proceeds to charity.
6. Spend $12 dollars to watch Megan Fox glisten while being chased by robots. Then go home and read all about her private life, including her Tuesday tryst with Zac Efron.**
7. Buy a floor lamp for $9 at Walmart. Bonus points if you throw it out, still functioning, within the year.
8. Complain to anyone listening that the TV above the treadmill at the air conditioned gym you drove 2 miles to get to isn't working.
9. Sneak out early Thursday afternoon since the Friday before your nation' birthday is basically a holiday and all you've been doing today has been facebooking babes and blogging anyways.
10. _________?
*If your name is Albert, feel free to Bing it***.
**I called it.
***Bing actually gives a better search result. Whatever, it's more American to resist change.
2 comments:
Tuesday tryst story has no photos. I call bullshit.
Put up an American flag outside your house, fire up the bbq and enjoy a beer with friends. Think: man, this country is great. Then, debate whether Obama has done a good job so far. When the conversation inevitably escalates to a yelling match, change subjects to something less polarizing but no less American. For example, discuss David McCullough's 1776 and how unlikely our country's founding was. Once it becomes obvious that no one read the whole book - or even the first chapter (despite receiving it as a Chirstmas present years ago) - start talking about the John Adams series on HBO instead. Paul Giamatti was pretty awesome, wasn't he? But did you see Lady in the Water?
Man, this country is great. (Except for Lady in the Water.)
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