Liveblog: Gorge

Good Movie/Better Movie: Year One

I'm sorry. I'm just sorry you guys. My standards for "Good Movie/Better Movie" have sunk to this. Also, I suck at Photoshop more than normal. Anyway, I haven't seen a recent theatrical release so not only am I resorting to reviewing a recent DVD release but that release happens to be Year One, starring Michael Cera and Jack Black as Michael Cera and Jack Black, respectively, only with longer hair.

To call Year One a "good movie" is to call a crap sandwich an ice cream cone. I know that doesn't make sense, you probably thought I was going to go in a direction that was more sandwich-related, but it's the only acceptable metaphor for this situation. Year One is a bad movie and I shouldn't be reviewing it.

Much like Adventureland, though, this is a movie that did poorly in the box office and might gain second life on the DVD shelves. I'm here to make sure that it does not, at least, not with anyone who reads this.

When I first saw the preview for Year One, I laughed and thought to myself, "Oh joy! How funny would it be to see Michael Cera and Jack Black trying their hand at being cavemen? Michael Cera is waifish and deadpan and Jack Black is fat and gregarious; neither of them are well-equipped for prehistoric living! Oh, such adventures they'll likely get into!" Remember the preview, guys? Do you? Remember the joke about "no berries for the salad?" Remember the joke about "I'm a slave so there will be no time for socializing?" Well, I hope you remember because that preview contained every trace of humor in the entire movie.

Maybe that's not fair. After all, a lot of people liked Meet the Spartans. If you did, then perhaps Year One is for you. Michael Cera gets attacked by a snake and a puma. If that's enough to get you through ninety minutes then good luck to you. What would have been better, though, is if he were attacked by a bear. In fact, in many ways, this movie would have been greatly improved with an increase in the number of bear attacks.

Bears, unlike Michael Cera, are very strong. If Michael Cera and a bear got into a fight, the bear would almost certainly win and in a landslide, most likely. Whereas Michael Cera was able to fend off a snake and a puma in Year One, I doubt that he would have successfully fended off a bear. Mostly, I think this because bears are so strong and Michael Cera is so not strong. The scenario would probably play out with the bear tearing Michael Cera apart while Jack Black did his stupid "Biddity-dip-dip-DWEEE" noise that he does in everything ever.

The hope, obviously, would be that after the bear destroyed Michael Cera, he would move on to Jack Black. It would have to be in that order because I could see the bear get really full if he ate Jack Black first.

I know, a lot of people are probably thinking to themselves, "Wait, I like 'Arrested Development' and Tenacious D. Why are you hating on these guys?" I'm not, really I'm not. I just think that it would have been a significant improvement if they got eaten by bears or a single, rather large bear. Instead of having to sit through a scene in which Michael Cera is forced to rub oil on a big, fat hairy guy's chest (get it? he's fat and hairy so having to touch him is funny), we could have just watched a bear attacking Michael Cera. Instead of watching the speech where Jack Black tells everyone that they're special in their own way, we could have just watched a bear pooping out what used to be Michael Cera.

The missed opportunities are just astounding!

So, basically, what I'm saying is that this movie would have been dramatically improved if instead of having a movie, they had a brief but violent bear attack followed by the bear taking a nap and then defecating when he woke up. So, how do I excuse calling it a "good movie" even if I've already stipulated that it is not?

That's actually surprisingly easy: Olivia Wilde



She's in the movie, you guys! However, in lieu of seeing the movie, I would recommend that you just look at this picture for about ten minutes and let your right hand follow its heart. May destiny be its North Star!

Maybe next time they'll just have Michael Cera and Jack Black get killed by a bear. Maybe they could even have Olivia Wilde riding said bear! Oh man, that would be sweet! I love it when things I like ride other things I like. We can only hope they make a sequel!

[Image: GQ via theSuperficial.com]