Two days ago I spent the night in the Sleep Lab at North Shore LIJ to participate in something called a Polysomnography Study, or PSG*. A PSG is a procedure that monitors your sleep. To properly diagnose a sleep disorder I may have (according to a some very fine biddies, "I snore weird"), my doctor told me to take the test. The whole thing is a real treat:
- You arrive at the lab at 8:30pm, change into your boxers and wait around for an hour. To pass the time, there is a painting of a creek on the wall.
- A male nurse, who enjoys talking about soccer and high cholesterol, comes in, says hello and straps a heart- and stomach-monitor around your torso.
- Male nurse talks your ear off about soccer and high cholesterol.
- Male nurse swabs your face with alcohol (the kind that smells like Clearasil, not vodka) and applies goopy vaseline to your visage, neck and hair. Though it's disgusting, you can't help but notice that the male nurse has the most delicate touch. To change the subject, you ask him about soccer and high cholesterol.
- Male nurse takes a handfull of electrodes and wantonly sticks them wherever he sees fit, especially on your face. Your leg hair shudders when he whips out the heavy-duty sticky tape.
- Male nurse attaches hundreds of tiny, scary wires to those electrodes, which feed back to this box that becomes your bed-side partner for the night.
- Male nurse places small tubes up your nostrils and affixes a pulse oximeter to your left pinky finger.
Once that's all through, you crawl into bed and he plugs the box into this charger; the two immediately start making loud buzzing and grinding noises. The anchored box also restricts your range of motion like nobody's business (think Neo on the uploading chair in the Nebuchadnezzar). Finally, he turns on an obnoxiously bright night-light, heads to the door and asks, "Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?"
Stunned, all I can say is: "No, I'm just perfect." After 3 hours of tossing and turning (figuratively speaking), I sleep 3 hours - give or take a few. In the morning I realize that I missed a wonderful opportunity. Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite, Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions!
Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?
SA1: You wouldn't happen to have a urinary catheder on you, would you?
SA2: The loud noise coming from the box sounds like an old VCR destroying a VHS tape. I'd prefer something that sounds like a pair of rabid racoons mating in a trash can.
SA3: No, when I sleep I like not being able to move my head.
SA4: This night-light isn't distracting enough. Please install a brighter one with high beams aimed directly at my face.
SA5: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Let's try this again. If you have a decent one, drop it in the comments box. And by decent one, I don't mean "cow joke" or "rant about your boner for Jim Cramer and Harvard." The best one will be added to the last spot. Thanks!)
*Don't confuse PSG with PGS, the latter of which is short for Playground Style. While the term was originally used to describe some responsive controls in a Tony Hawk video game, you may have heard The Dodger use it to mean pretty much anything that's supa to see, like a nasty pong save or an EBA's turkey melt. Have a very Happy PGS Birthday, buddy!
Update: The results are in: I don't take sleep apnea! Can I get a hell yeah?
