urban dictionary:also may be known as a jumping high five, it starts when two people start a distance from each other and then proceed to run and when getting close jump in the air and give a high five. While it may seem cool in theory, it actually looks quite stupid.
"Did you just give that guy a white guy high five? You are such a stereotypical caucasian Mark"
Last weekend I watched the Will Ferrell Broadway show "You're Welcome America" and Ferrell's Bush pretended to give an awkward white guy high five to Karl Rove. I laughed with the audience but deep down I felt shame.
As a white male, I am tired of constantly facing America's stereotypes and prejudices against me. This needs to stop or else my kids will also need to deal with taunts of "almost connected on that one!" and "you're a douche" whenever they try to express their emotions in an overtly physical way in times of triumph.
There are some disturbing trends in white guy high fives throughout society that is leading to our current predicament (note, not all of these need to be jumping a la urban dictionaries definition):
-Ryan Seacrest, the staple white man in any kind of televised social gathering, has had multiple infractions that are seen throughout the world, some of which are just plain frightening
-Steve Williams, Tiger Woods' caddy, had one of the most memorable in sports history by not only making himself look like an ass, but by negating nearly all of Tiger's coolness with his high five form
- Final exhibit is a skit from Almost Live! embracing the high five lineage
Now that everyone must be convinced that there is a problem, what do we do about it?
I think the biggest issue is that when white guys high-five, both participants go into it so whole-heartedly that they are setting up for failure.
First off, you can't be cool when you act overly excited. This has been cronicled in too many places to mention. At the same time, you don't want to be too underexcited, like Drew Carey here (stole reference from bill simmons, so sue me), or else you suck the joy out of the moment for everyone involved.
Second, when you are too excited, both high-fivers will attempt to connect on simultaneous swinging hands/arms. The physics of this can be baffling.
The above is also true for celebrating after a pong hit/sink. When two pumped up, intoxicated psi u's go for paddle slaps, the actual first-try success rate is close to 23-25%. Other frats and newer classes have converted to fist pounds that have a much higher success rate (80-90%) due to ease (we need to get our one pledge to validate these numbers)
Really all that needs to be done is for participant A to calmly put up the hand/paddle and hold it still and let participant B keep his eye on the outstretched hand/paddle and slap it. As a potential rule, the person who has done the action of merit gets to swing while their friend holds still. Easy as pie. I'm not going to go into air fives and the like, but this can be transferred across mediums.
Finally, there is a continuum of white guy celebrations that all need vetting:
fist pump (solitary)->pound->high five->ass pat->chest bump->awkward, where do my arms go? hug
but i've wasted enough time as is.
Good talk, see you out there
