So, yesterday, I’m sitting at work bored to tears when out of the blue, my friend saves me by sending over an article that encapsulates the greatest bit of female fashion bitchery this side of Regina George from Mean Girls. (Gretchen Weiners: Two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn't even like them and... it was so sad.) Having never been part of a sorority, this article – in which the president of Cornell’s Pi Phi dictates what girls who are rushing should and should not wear to events - both horrified and amused me in equal parts.
I’ll save you the pain of having to read the SEVEN pages of dos and don’ts by including some of my favorite highlights below:
Clothing:
-No satin dresses. No one looks good in satin dresses unless it’s from Betsey Johnson or Dolce & Gabbana, you weigh less than 130 pounds, have three pairs of Spanx on and it’s New Years Eve.
Makeup:
-No sultry eye makeup. It’s noon people. And these are girls, not laxers. No need to seduce them with caked on black eye makeup. (Ed Note: Can any laxers out there attest to whether or not “caked on black eye makeup” is an effective form of seduction? Maybe at Cornell?)
-No mustaches. (Ed Note: I think that one should probably be a given.)
I know that many of our readers out there lived through a period of time where they had a sorority sister or fraternity brother dictating their every move, so maybe this doesn’t seem as absurd to everyone else as it does to me. Or maybe it does. Whichever side of the fence you land on, I think there is one thing we can all agree on. That AMDAL is deeply lacking an over the top sorority style code of conduct! Don’t worry fair readers – I’m here to take care of that! I channeled my best Regina George to create these rules, and if you follow them, you’ll, like, TOTES be inducted into the circle of trust.
Take Good LiveBlogs:
No members of Alpha Beta AMDAL want to see pictures of you “having an awesome time” unless it’s at the hottest party in town. Don’t even THINK about posting a LiveBlog taken anywhere other than Marquis or Mansion. Super double bonus points if you’re sharing a bottle with a Jersey Shore cast member. Chapter President MLR will make you do a quick six if you even think about posting some lame-o pictures of you and your “bros” at a house party or something.
Keep Good Company:
Imagine this: You’re at a party and you want to talk to this super hot chick you met in the juice line in the cafeteria. And then this NERD from your history class (who has glasses… and a ponytail!) swoops in and starts talking to you about like, Thomas Hancock or whatever. Then, the hot girl will think you’re a nerd by association. The lesson here? We can only be as cool as the blogs to which we link. So stay away from nerdy shizz like CNN or whatever. More Twilight, less politics!
Wear Good Outfits:
When reading AMDAL from the comfort of your office desk, it’s really super important that you do it in style. I’m like, legit serious when I say everyone needs to be wearing (at least!) one carat diamond studs and skinny Seven jeans. Men, women, children, puppies. No exceptions. And none of that Patagonia stuff. I mean, I heard it’s made from like recycled bottles or something. EW CITY! The same goes for flannel. And bad facial hair (Unless it’s Movember. See: Do Good Charity Work). If you’re having any doubts in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and repeat this mantra: This is not a blog for mountain men.
Make Good Comments:
So, one time this girl Krystal Adams told everyone that my formal dress looked like something a blind fifth grader made out of cotton candy. Like, LITERALLY everyone. Except me. But I still found out it was her, because my super loyal BFF Tracy Jones told me (Hi Tracy! LOLZZZZZ). And then I was double mad because she insulted my dress and talked about me behind my back. Let this story be a lesson to you if you’re ever thinking about making bitchy anonymous comments on this blog. Sure, you might not agree with my fashion choices, but like, be man enough to admit to my face that you don’t think the velvet-tulle combo is working out.
Do Good Charity Work: Once, somebody told me about this Rockerfeller guy (I think it was that same nerdy girl from History class that I was talking about before). Apparently, he, like, was really rich and stuff, but he had a bad rep for putting all these sucky little oil refineries out of business. So, when he wanted people to start liking him again, he started giving away tons of money to charities and poor people and stuff, and it totally worked! So, don’t worry if you accidentally flashed the whole lacrosse team your undies in the middle of a freak windstorm or peed in some girl’s bed and she told all her friends about it. You can make them forget about these indiscretions by doing nice stuff for other people! Note: This strategy is especially effective if you do it in public so everyone can see you!
Listen to Good Jams: Pretending to know a lot about music is a great way to start conversations with people at cocktail parties and mixers, and a ginormous part of being an Alpha Beta AMDAL is being able to present yourself well in public. Even if your iPod is full of Journey and Taylor Swift (I mean, not like I don’t totes get the chills every time I hear that Romeo and Juliet song, it’s just that nobody wants to hear about it), all the information you need to talk about really cool rap and hipster music is right at your fingertips in MLR’s Jam of the Week post. Who knows – impressing someone with a thrilling debate about the merits of Gucci Mane vs. Little Wayne might just snag you a last minute date to formal.
Eat Good Food: And lastly, everyone knows having a hot bod is a super important part of being a blogger. Nobody wants to see your muffin tops jiggle when you type. So stick with CCL’s healthy recipes for dinner. And then the rest of the time, don’t eat anything – and every time you feel like you’re going to faint, eat a cube of cheese.
