NO FATTIES: BeautifulPeople.com

"As a business, we mourn the loss of any member, but the fact remains that our members demand the high standard of beauty be upheld. Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which BeautifulPeople.com was founded."
- Founder of BeautifulPeople.com Robert Hintze, after 5,000 less-than-attractive people were kicked off the site. They are welcome to reapply at any time.

Hat tip: Drew W.

Pence Watch!

Normally, this is Scos' domain but I just saw this and, as I normally do when I see a shirtless Pence, I got overly excited. Scos informed me a while back that Pence might be involved in the upcoming Facebook movie starring rat fink, Jesse Eisenberg, and all-around awesomer than me guy, Justin Timberlake, but this is the first I've seen about it online. I love how Valleywag reacts to Pence's picture:

"Whomever model Josh Pence is playing, he's definitely not part of the Silicon Valley tech scene."

That's because bodies like that don't exist in Silicon Valley. Another commenter adds her thoughts:

I don't care who Josh Pence is playing, as long as he's in very little clothing.

Kudos to our man Pence! May he break a leg!

All My Abs Aren't Real

Since I caused such an unintentional stir yesterday, I thought I'd talk about something apolitical that I found funny. Additionally, instead of lambasting the opposition (since, apparently, I'm such a staunch conservative), I thought I'd take a poke at my own team.

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Anyway, in the image above, you'll see a Josh Pence-like figure, gleefully blasting open his shirt and displaying a marvelous set of tasty man-abs. Or is he...

For years, women have been criticized by jerks like me for being fake. Fake boobs, fake eyelashes, fake height (heels), fake features (makeup), fake hair (extensions), fake orgasms, etc. Well, as it turns out, we love all that crap, especially the fake orgasms, so I don't know what we're really complaining about. Clearly, the problem isn't that the ladies are giving themselves an unfair advantage, it's that we men aren't and we're letting an opportunity slip away.

Well, fear not gentleman; may I introduce you to the Ript Fusion Undershirt! Finally, a shirt that allegedly takes a man's precious beer gut and reshapes it into a sexy, washboard midsection.

"Are you for serious?"

I sure am, excited fat guy who doesn't exist! After you've wiped the dust off your gym membership card, throw it the hell away! You'll need it no longer. From now on it's all about drinking until you shoot green and then filling up again; it's about eating a meatball sub in bed at 1:00am and then immediately going to sleep; it's about going to the buffet, eating until you're full, then loading up and extra plate and sneaking it out for the ride home. Thanks to Ript, these sorts of gluttonous shenanigans are fair game and won't have any negative effect on your luck with the ladies.

Sure, once you pop that shirt off when you're getting ready to sex up your "dape," she'll recoil in horror at the globular beast that you've unleashed. But by that time it will be too late; she'll have already fallen in love with your irresistible charms and will be too tired to walk her own ass home. Of course, she wouldn't have ever given a fat slob like you the time of day to demonstrate those charms before.

Before Ript.

We are entering a new age, my friends. The year one. All previous years shall be known as BR: Before Ript.