Pretty much every person I know watched this show, which should extrapolate out to around 300 million nationwide, minus any UNICO members. But if Nielsen actually is accurate, I’m guessing that last night’s episode pulled in somewhere around 20 million, because it’s all anyone talked about all fucking week. Nicknames? Catch-phrases? Viral video clips of a cast member getting punched in the face? This show has it all.
(Editor's Note: Jersey Shore picked up a 50% increase in week-over-week ratings. Not bad.)
Honestly, Jersey Shore has the potential to single-handedly return MTV to relevant, must-see-TV status. I can just imagine an MTV boardroom, circa 2008, where the following discussion took place:
Suit 1: Nobody’s watching our network anymore. Anyone have any ideas?
Suit 2: More Real World / Road Rules Challenge re-runs?
Suit 3: Actual music videos?
Suit 4: How about we put eight guidos in a house in Jersey, just to see what happens?
And the rest, folks, is history. Never mind the death threats that MTV staffers are supposedly receiving, it's all worth it. I haven’t watched this much MTV since I was in middle school and would run home from school to catch the beginning of TRL. The most obvious sign that I’m addicted to Jersey Shore? We’re in week two, and I’ve already started wondering how many episodes are left. I just don’t want it to end.
So, as with all good things in life, it’s only appropriate that the Jersey Shore cast have their very own Power Rankings, a systematic yet arbitrary way of ranking every house member’s contributions to the show so far.
- RONNIE. Ronnie has been a total surprise. On first impression I didn’t think this guy would be likable at all, just a complete turbo (definitions 4, 6). His faux-hawk, chemically-aided physique, and willing participation in Body Heat cologne product placements had me wondering. But Ronnie’s soft side and the depth of his personality has won me over. Heart-to-hearts with JWoww? Ron-Ron juice? Falling hard for Sammi Sweatheart? Ronnie is setting himself up to be a key player for the rest of the season. Also, anyone who has a self-proclaimed goal to “pound out every girl in Seaside” is a bona fide role model.
- SNOOKI. Snooki isn’t anything special, and the best part is, she knows it. As a result she’s willing to do whatever it takes to get screen time – making out with chicks, fellating pickles, you name it. I can’t wait for her to keep upping the ante to stay relevant as the season progresses. Snooki is also the first cast member to save me $50. Why? Because I was planning on shelling out for Pacquiao–Mayweather come March, but now I don't have to. Even if that fight goes 12 rounds, nothing will compare to the straight right that Snooki took while completely defenseless. How she managed to avoid going to the hospital after that is beyond me, and her toughness contributes significantly to her current #2 ranking.
- THE SITUATION. Mike was a serious front-runner before the show even began. Developing a self-endowed nickname that sticks and coining a catch-phrase in the first ten minutes (“I love The Situation”) is no small feat. However, Mike seems to be revealing himself as a bit of a player-hater as the season continues. He needs to realize that Ronnie's effective use of Bod Man fragrance is a lot like Adrian Peterson - pretty much unstoppable. I’d probably rank him lower were it not for his incognito club makeout sesh that the camera rolled past as Ronnie stormed out. Did anyone else catch this?
- PAULY D. How old do you honestly think Pauly D is? 22? 25? Try 28. I know, I was surprised too. It must be his personal tanning bed and twice-daily hair gel routine that keeps him looking so young. Pauly D picks up some points for breaking up JWOWW’s relationship on Day 1, but he’s going to have to show more consistency if he wants to rise in the rankings. Putting charcoal in a gas grill doesn’t help.
- JWOWW. JWoww has had a pretty tumultuous season so far, but I’m expecting big things from her in the future. She’s currently the odds-on favorite to sleep with every member of the opposing sex in the house, as foreshadowed by her quote “If I’m single now, then it’s going to be a problem.” If by problem you mean “rapid spread of venereal disease,” then I can’t argue with that. She also has her own website now, where she bills herself as "MTV's newest bitch." Little-known fact: JWoww claims to have spent 3 years studying computer programming. Talk about a diamond in the rough.
- SAMMI. Sammi bills herself as “the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet,” and I agree with half of that statement. If you ask me, Ronnie is better off without her. Sammi has professed her willingness to “knock a bitch up,” so we’ll see what happens. I’m not willing to write her off just yet.
- VINNY. I’ve gotta be honest here, I haven’t actually seen Vinny do anything all season. He’s pretty quiet and tends to stay in the background most of the time. In fact I think there was one scene that even showed Vinny reading a book – how did this not end up on the cutting-room floor? Vinny has shown good fashion sense with his stunna shades in the hot tub and his “classy” ensemble for a night at Headliners, but he needs to break out of his shell if he’s going to move up in the rankings.
- ANGELINA. Good riddance. The only question now is whether or not MTV moved to replace her mid-season, or if the rest of the show continues with only 7 housemates.
So now, we wait until next week to pick up the action with everyone's eight seven favorite Jersey Shore share house guidos. Next Thursday never felt so far away. To tide everyone over, can anyone think of a good reason why Pauly D appears to have the Cadillac script running down his right side? I've been mulling this over all morning and am completely clueless.
No word yet on whether "attacking prime ministers" is a new trend.
