Doesn’t matter. There’s only three teams that matter.
Veteran major leaguer Julian Tavarez recently proved this point. Tavarez isn’t a great ballplayer. But he’s a Yogi-esque observer of the truth.
Recently, after waiting for a Yankee/Mets/Red Sock offer to play major league baseball, Tavarez ended up resignedly settling for a contract with the Washington Nationals. Reporters asked Tavarez why he decided to sign up for such a mediocre team.
“Why did I sign with the Nationals?” Tavarez told a group of reporters*. “When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you’re just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals [are] Jennifer Lopez to me.”
In the spirit of Julian Tavarez, we provide season-starting notes on some ball clubs that look like Jennifer Lopez alllll the time…
What to watch for: Yankees
1. Joba Chamberlin (above as a lion during his pledge term)—is he going to get more awesome? (No)
2. Arod—what will the best taunt be? Aroid? Afraud? Will BoSawx fans hold up mirrors for him to smooch/canoodle? What Madonna song plays when he comes up to bat in opposing ballparks? The Sports Guy loves this.
3. Steinbrenner Death watch—too soon? The man is not well. Lets get some honest information out there. If Yankee stadium is partially funded by taxpayer dollars, accurate information about ballclub ownership seems reasonable.
What to watch for: Mets
1. David Wright—is it time yet for Derek Jeter to transfer his soul into wright’s body and live forever?
2. K-Rod/Putz—two years ago these were, arguably, two of the four best closers in baseball. Now, one is top dog and the other fetches the doughnuts. When does Poootz snap?
3. Citifield v. New Yankee Stadium—Citifield loses this argument, right? That seems apparent. Do Mets fans revolt?
What to watch for: Red Sox
1. Possible erosion—What if the Sox are secretly the “600-pounder” that Tavarez fears? The Sox made no substantive improvements on last year’s team. They chased new Yankee slugger Mark Teixeira all winter, and didn’t sign him. They no longer have Manny. The Tampa Ray Rays beat them last year. The Yankees bought a truckload of new talent. This could be the year the Sox fall apart.
2. Big Papi—he’s toast, isn’t he?
3. John Smoltz—Smoltz could be secret weapon. If he is old Smoltzie, then the Sox will be getting an all-star pitcher joining an already loaded staff mid-season. Its almost unfair.
*-click that link.
