A recent study shows that drinking moderately can have the same effects of exercise. To summarize, I have created what I like to refer to as the Punnet Square of Awesome. Below is how it works:
1) If you are a non-drinker, non-exerciser, you're pretty much fucked. Not only are you not looking good, not drinking your sorrows away and therefore probably not getting any, youre also going to die. Soon. 2) Next is the health nut who you wish would die so they would finally stop bothering you how you need more cardio. Too bad for you they have a 30% decreased risk of heart disease. 3) Then you've got the lazy drinker, who will outlive the nerd and has the same chances as yoga-boy. 4) The good news is that the Frat Lord lives on. Sweet dudes who hang out will have a 50% lower risk than the loser living in his mom's basement.
At approximately 2:00pm at Daily grill in Studio City 90210 ex-star Brian Austin Green was dining with a male friend on the patio.
Our sources, who were seated at the next table, overheard an emotional Green ranting for over a hour about his troubled relationship with actress Megan Fox, who rocketed to stardom after last year's mega-hit blockbuster movie Transformers.
He began comparing Megan to the girl that he had been going out with before her who he'd broken up with for Fox, saying that Fox is behaving just like her. Apparently, the 21-year-old Transformer star is extremely set in her ways. The entire relationship was based on her terms, beginning with a "white board," upon which the pair would document the amount of time allotted to their relationship, family, and work. Green strove to maintain a fifty percent balance between time spent each other, and time spent apart. Fox, however, would sneak behind his back and erase planned dates with Green in order to have more time away from him ... The obviously heart-broken Green went on to say that the young actress and budding star could never sit still and couldn't stand silence yet would moon in bed all day when they had a fight.
After ragging on Fox for close to an hour, the two men realized that the people at the table next to them might have overheard everything they said. Green seemed nervous and his friend asked the other diners if they had been eavesdropping because "that would be really bad." Looks like Fox has finally moved on!
This mystery has been stewing and stirring in my head for months. On the one hand, he’s a wildly successful businessman. On the other hand, he’s a demonstrable retard.
Have you seen him speak? I have. I watched ALL FIFTEEN Republican debates this season (9 of them for “work” and the others because I’m a masochist). And let me tell you what I learned: Mitt Romney is stupid. His speech pattern is awkward, confusing, and filled with metaphors I don’t understand. It’s like he lost his Power Point presentation and is trying to remember the slide titles, but they don’t make sense out of context.
Some highlights:
-“Ronald Reagan had a stool he sat on that had three legs. One of the legs was national security.” [no idea what the other two legs were] GOP Debate, June 2007
-BLITZER: What has been President Bush's biggest mistake since taking office?
ROMNEY: It's going from small bore to large bore. GOP Debate, June 2007
-“Some of you went home tonight before you came here, to put your kids to sleep…kids are sleeping everywhere right now. And we’re dreaming of America.” Florida concession speech, January 2008
-“We need to sell to countries like Asia and India.” Florida concession speech, January 2008
-“Let’s restore America by going back to space!” [maybe not an exact quote] Florida concession speech, January 2008
-“It’s not red and black checkers, it’s three-dimensional chess.” GOP Debate, January 2008
To me, the success of this man is baffling. But as I find myself in front of a captive and financially-informed audience, I pose this question: what? How does a man like this start Bain Capital? Do you guys really walk into conference rooms and start spouting off about the Mars Rover? Please explain.
Gooding and Brian Christie cringe at what's become of Gooding's "career".
Come on, bro. What happened?
Seriously.
You were the "Show me the money!" guy.
That shit earned you an academy award!
YOU WERE A BACKUP DANCER FOR LIONEL RITCHIE!!
And now you're doing this!?
Fuck is that depressing. That comes on every day during Sportscenter, and every day it kills me. I didn't think it could get much worse than that MJ/Kevin Bacon spot with the Tongue repeatedly coming out of nowhere to block Bacon's free throw/car keys/ball of paper/grape, but I was wrong.
MJ is clearly embarrassed to be in these ads, and frankly I'm not really sure why he is. Yeah he's going through a messy divorce, but his Nike shoes are still a $500 mil/year business and he's still #35 on the Forbes Top 100 Celebrities list even though he retired over 159 7 years ago.
What is Cuba's excuse? Not even his good old stuff can save his credibility at this point. Boyz n the Hood, As Good As It Gets, a stint on MacGyver... Yeah he had a small part in A Few Good Men, but so did Kiefer Sutherland, Noah Wyle, Christopher Guest, and -- wait for -- Kevin Bacon, and they're ALL cooler than Cuba at this point. Hell, his brother Omar is cooler than Cuba, and he's still spending most of his time with Donnie Jeffcoat.
My point, I guess, is that C-list celebrities fawning and slobbering over former athletes don't make me want to buy underwear (shit stains and holes in the crotch do a pretty good job of that, thank you very much), so keep this garbage off my TV.
I hope Snow Dogs II goes straight to video, you prick.
UPDATE: According to wikipedia, Omar Gooding and Donnie Jeffcoat "currently share a vacation home near Las Vegas where they host an annual Wild & Crazy Kids reunion party, complete with Dizzy Bat Home Run Derby". Sweet.
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