Songs of the Week

Weekend Update

Well it's back, for the meantime at least. The Weekend Update ™. I'm not sure how this is going to work considering we're in a city that never sleeps and has tons of cool things going on and I can't list everything so this will just evolve as the weeks come. However, I can promise a joke every week and at least one or two things that are going on in New York City or the surrounding areas. So to start it off right here is the joke of the week

Joke
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that, Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

Well I found it funny. Now for the update.

This weekend is a special weekend. For all of those who love the Irish, beer or Green (Dartmouth), get your ass to Hoboken on Saturday because it's the 21st Anniversary of the Hoboken St. Patrick's Parade, also known as unofficial St. Patrick's day. The parade start's at 10 AM and the booze will be flowing even earlier.

Here is the website for further information. http://hoboken-bar.net/

Weather forecast - Cold and 40% chance of light snow

Also, just wandering around might find you a game of pong or two.

That's the update for this weekend. Let me know what you think and I will definitely be taking suggestions.

Piggy Out!!

BEST. HEADLINE. EVER.

(Or at least of the month.)

PLEASE VOTE!!! (Shameless Plug)

I apologize that my inaugural blog post is a plug, but the matter is time sensitive, and thus unavoidable. I promise my postings from here on out will be more substantive. 

The above t-shirt, of my own design, is based on the song "Hello/Goodbye (Uncool)" by Lupe Fiasco, and has been entered into a Lupe Fiasco T-Shirt Design Contest being held by the online retail shop Karma Loop. The winning design, which is based on votes and will be announced Monday March 3, will be printed and sold on the site, with all proceeds going to a charity of Lupe Fiasco's choice (rims?). 

Please take a quick second (or longer) to vote HERE. You can vote as many times as you want, so please do so. The more the better. Also, special thanks to Chris "Spaceship/The Future" Allen for his Photoshop expertise.  

I hate Oprah

So I was on CNN.com (selfcall) reading (self call 2x) about the election, pythons eating Australian dogs and the like, when I stumble across this little gem posted from Oprah's magazine. For the sake of not looking at that hideous blob-guy, Ive posted the article in its entirety below.

The premise is that there are 10 guys in this world to avoid. "Ha," I snorted to myself, "this should be an entertaining piece of light-hearted fare." I chuckled as I thought of Joe No Show and how any woman stupid enough to fall for a man with such a horrible name deserves any personality disorders that come with it. What I didnt expect was that this article would shake me to my blogging/banking/quasi-fratting core. One of these assholes was me. It was as if once she was done stabbing voodoo dolls and shouting to the heavens, some girl I used to date decided she'd write an article for Oprah.com. Now it was nice of her to pad it with lay-ups like the "Two-Timer" and friends, but once I saw myself, the blow to my ego was shocking.

Clearly, instead of taking some warrior and mountain poses to find my true self, Ive decided to take it to the people. We're going to play a game called "Guess my critical flaw!" The game goes like this:
1) Read article
2) Vote which guy you think I am in the survey on the the left (clearly this doesnt work if you dont know me but feel free to guess)
Hint: I'm not the Beav / Lyla's new dbag bff but I could still be Joe No Show, Two-Timer or any of the other Clown-shows.
3) Judge yourself / the guys you fall for (depending on gender). Think of it as cathartic. Guaranteed to be more effective than yoga or rain dances.

As promised:

One guy is needier than quicksand. Another is jealous of your cocker spaniel. A third quietly hates all womankind. Here's a list of men you should put in your rearview mirror, ASAP.

Joe No-Show
You meet in a city where neither of you lives, at a convention or a wedding. The calls and e-mails are making the phone lines sweat; two months later, he's begging you to visit.

You tell the woman next to you on the plane that, after years of searching, you think you've met The One, and the two of you giggle with anticipation all the way to baggage claim.

Thirty minutes later, when the carousel stops going around, she looks at you with deep pity and asks if she can give you a ride somewhere. That's the moment to go straight back to the ticket counter.

Mr. Jealousy
At first, he'll get a little short with a waiter who flirts with you. Then he'll be exasperated by how long you and the postmaster discuss the rising price of stamps. When he points out that you and your brother hug too long to be appropriate or that your gynecologist is a lesbian and obviously has the hots for you, it's time to give him his walking papers.

However flattering his jealousies may seem in the first five minutes of your relationship, they'll get old and confining more quickly than you can imagine, and when you do finally break up with him, he will hang the scarves you left behind on your trees like nooses and follow you and the next man you date all over town.

The Bully
This is the man who sits you down, grabs your arm, pulls your hair, or pokes your chest. While most of us know better than to let ourselves get socked in the mouth the way Ralph Kramden was always threatening to do to Alice (but even then never following through), there's a whole universe of more "minor" infractions in the violence department that should disqualify your new beau instantaneously (but all too often does not).

The Two-Timer
For the first time since you've been dating, he's too sick to make a date. You try to ignore the fact that it happens to be your birthday, and you assemble the ingredients for your famous chicken soup. You drop it off inside his door.

Two days later, he's still sick, but you've been invited over. You ask if you can heat up some soup for him, and he says, in a small, congested voice, "That would be wonderful." You pour the soup from the Tupperware into the pot, and you see that there are mushrooms in it. Your famous chicken soup doesn't contain mushrooms. Conclude that this man has another source of soup and will continue to cheat on you for as long as you give him the chance.

The "Liberated" Man
I used to have a friend who said, "I seem to have a very liberating effect on whatever man I'm dating. We go on three dates, and the next thing I know he's moved in with me, he's quit his job, and his car is up on blocks in my yard."

Certain men are more prone to this type of liberation than others, I have found: Carpenters, river guides, and flamenco guitarists all fall into the category of men who are perfectly willing to hand themselves over to the care of a good woman, as well as visual artists, stage performers, and racers (ski, bike, boat) of all kinds.

The Betrayed
I seem to have dated an inordinate number of men who have just been left by a woman for a woman. In general, these men are angry beyond all reason, no matter to what lengths they may go to disguise it, and if you date one, be ready to give up all your girlfriends, or you will be accused of being a lesbian, too.

The Narcissist
He doesn't like your dog? Do we even need to talk about this one? Put it at the top of the category that includes he won't make eye contact with your kid, he doesn't want to meet your sister, and he whines the first time you make plans with your girlfriend.

A man threatened by the love you have for the dog you sleep with is going to be threatened by more things than you can name. Dating him is inviting the type of conflict into your life that will make you tired before you even get up in the morning.

Mr. Resentment
Pay close attention to how he handles your accomplishments. If you get a promotion with a raise and he breaks it down to show you how it really only amounts to six dollars a day after taxes, that's the first strike. When he uses any expression like "your little project," count that as two.

Just because men are having a hard time adjusting to the idea that women are capable breadwinners doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself into helping them make the transition. There are men out there who are more than happy to bask in the glow their women cast and to consider your talents a positive reflection on them.

The Virtual Lover
What a relief it is when a man doesn't try to force you into bed on the first date. How charmed you are when, on the third date, he says he wants to wait until "you both can't stand it anymore." How sympathetic you become when, on the sixth date, he tells you how badly he was hurt by your predecessor. How confused you are six months later when you've realized his pager goes off every time you get naked, but he's still sending you roses and talking teddy bears.

A surprising number of great romancers out there never get around to having sex. To the date-weary woman, this can seem like not the worst combination, but beware. Eventually he will blame his problems on the smell of your breath or the size of your thighs.

The Guy Who Had the Happiest Childhood This Side of the Beav
His mother was perfect; his father never smoked or drank or cheated. He hates the way his friends blame their parents for everything, when he and his seven brothers and sisters had love pouring down on them from the moment they woke in the morning until they went to bed.

However refreshing this might sound the first time you hear it, listen carefully for a voice that is trying to convince itself, listen for the creak and crack of a personal mythology in the throes of shattering. When it comes crashing to the ground, it's going to make a very big noise, and most likely your relationship will come crashing down with it.

luvdogs9 (3 hours ago): =O OMG

A grossout clip for a 'gross out' day:



This guy's story is pretty sobering, but in the pantheon of tremendous gross out stories, it pales in comparison to hairball girl, tree guy, or the pregnant man.

Don't know why this stuff is so morbidly fascinating. I blame Alvin Schwartz.

Incredible! from kwest on Vimeo.

This same thing happened to me the other night. Except my kicks were garbage, my signature move was jumping into trash cans and MC Hammer took my chain .

Story time

This happened back in January, but I just realized it might make an entertaining post.

Last month, our whole office flew out to LA for a big event the magazine was putting on. Four of us caught an early 6AM flight out of JFK: another salesperson, our graphic designer, our editor-in-chief , and myself. Traveling with the editor was also her partner. We'll call her Chastity.

Chastity really reminds me of Bev Bighead from Rocko's Modern Life:

So it's about 5:30 morning. We're flying Virgin America, which operates out of an international terminal at JFK. The security line is a surprisingly long line for an early Thursday morning. Every few minutes, an announcement made alternately in English and Spanish comes over the loudspeaker announcing "10 minutes...", "5 minutes...", "last call", etc. for a JetBlue flight headed to San Juan.

The line is excruciatingly slow so this disheveled lady at the end starts forcing her way forward. Sweats pulled up past her waist. Jansport backpack with HelloKitty iron-ons. Thick glasses, unkempt hair, bit of a mustache. Obviously a little bonkers, so people just let her pass.

The JetBlue announcements keep coming and a few others begin to follow the baglady's lead. The trickle becomes a stream becomes a torrent as more and more people begin to jostle for position.

"What's the point of a line?" my coworker mutters aloud, voicing a mutual sentiment. Then Chastity responds with a bombshell.

"Well, they are Puerto Ricans," she says with a chuckle.

Interesting... an awkward pause follows.

Then a lady beyond us shouts, "You know, there's one of them behind you." A Puerto Rican standing in line for a flight to Puerto Rico. Who would've guessed, right?

I'm sorry to report there wasn't more of a scene after that. I would've liked to see Bighead Chastity get her rumble on with this lady. Instead she pretended not to hear, and the situation "resolved" itself with a contemptuous "fucking bitch" from the lady followed by 15 minutes of awkward silence.

On the bright side, that jingle was right: the best part of waking up is racism in your cup.

SotW DEUX

Count & Sinden (ft. Kid Sister) - "Beeper"

Any song about beepers is what we wampkt.

Better than 3D pie charts

There's only one thing I like better than a 3D pie chart and that, my friends, is the stacked column chart. The above figure represents the number of blog hits that have been recorded over the last 30 days, showing unique visitors, repeat offenders, first timers and total page loads.

Since it is my job to create rather than analyze, I leave it to you to glean any useful information out of this. As far as I can tell, there is some consistency showing midweek surges in readership, which makes some sense. What I cant figure out, however, is the complete lack of any consistent trends week to week. It is therefore with with undeniable certainty that, despite the lack of any relevant thesis, multi-colored column charts can fill the shit out of any blank page (and blogpost)

Science Post!

30 billion metric tons of carbon dioxide are put into the atmosphere by humans each year, and there was a cool story in yesterday’s Science Times about a not-so-new solution to that problem. Green Freedom, the work of two scientists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory, seeks to make the input-output nature of carbon emissions a closed circuit.

By capturing carbon dioxide currently loose in the atmosphere (blowing it across a liquid solution of potassium carbonate and treating it chemically) then reforming it into fuel, the project aims to convert a destructive byproduct into a raw resource available for the production of reusable fuels to be used in any gas-dependant vehicle.

The article does a great job of framing the challenges a project like this faces, so check it out.

One big issue to pay attention to is energy as a zero-sum entity. It has to come from somewhere. Proponents of biofuels, for example, still must contend with the fact that current methods of manufacturing ethanol require more energy than would be used without changing from gasoline in the first place.

These scientists, like many, are off to a great start, but it will be interesting to see if they are able to get enough people behind the banner of nuclear energy to see an outfit like this come together.

In the meantime, a cool idea and some food for thought.

CRS - "Us Placers"

Lupe + Pharrell + Kanye = song stuck in my head for last 2 weeks

All my shots are meatpuppets

Nothing like Wii Table Tennis and a torrential downpour to keep us in the apartment last night.


Meatpuppet [meet-puhp-it]
-noun
1. A word to describe an easy put-away in a racket sport
2. A person who often creates easy put-aways for his opponent
[Origin: my high school tennis coach]
-Synonyms: Duck, rabbit, bunny, meatball, lay-up, Henry Alexander

The Reg

This just in: Reginald VelJohnson may be the most prolific cop in cinematic history.

Lazy Sunday night in Brooklyn. Viv, Mike, and I are watching Ghostbusters. All is calm... until the scene where the guys are in jail then they get taken to the mayor or something. We're only sort of paying attention until they're released from the clink... by none other than Carl (Otis) Winslow himself.

Crowd goes nuts.

Why? Because last night, this is what we were talking about. Everything we could think of that RVL has been in, he has played a cop. Here's the list we came up:

• Family Matters
• Die Hard
• Die Hard 2: Die Harder
• Ghostbusters

After the Ghostbusters cameo, we hopped on his imdb page to test the theory. Here's what we found:

• Kojak: The Belarus File (1985) (TV) (uncredited) .... Policeman at courtroom
• Plain Clothes (1988) .... Captain Graff
• Turner & Hooch (1989) (as Reginald Veljohnson) .... Det. David Sutton
• One of Her Own (1994) (TV) .... Det. Bob Hymes

Other notables include an ambassador, an ambulance driver, two reverends, five doctors, one judge, a morgue attendant, jail guard, Santa, a "Santa thief", and Chester the Mattress King -- still, you'll always be brass and blue to us, Reg.

Kanye West - "Flashing Lights"

Slightly NSFW due to the girl's outfit but the video is one of the few good ones out there.

FSU

This is a few months old, but it seems appropriate right before a three-day weekend.

Belated Valentine

To the left, to the left

To further spiral America's best and brightest downard towards the lowest common denominator, I have attached yet another mindless piece of gossipy blog filth in the left margin. Please enjoy the high quality writing and astounding number of NSFW posts for you to admire from a distance (ie look but dont click).

Pretty Much My Favorite Animal

Holy shit! Did anyone know ligers really exist!? This is amazing. Holy shit.

Apparently they grow to be enormous -- his uncle (Hercules) is 12 feet tall and half a ton. They are the Klumps of the animal world. Fascinating.

Oden is like the exact opposite of Thumbelina. Someone should pair these two up for a reality TV version of the odd couple. Tell the writers we don't want them back (except for you, Peter Berg). This would keep me glued to my seat for days.

Thanks The Sun.

VD

In a forum geared towards blithe banter and light-hearted potty humor, as AMDAL strives ever so hard to be, it's probably best to avoid those divisive subjects -- politics, religion, who's the most attractive Girl Next Door -- that tend to rile the masses.

That said, from an apolitical standpoint these GOP Valentines are pretty great. I wonder how the Dems will retaliate?

Lock up your sons

Jordie is in town and what other way to celebrate than by posting embarassing pictures of her.

Hi Jordie (do you even know we have this blog?) I'm sure you'll find out. See you out tonight*

Gift Ideas

Someone pleeeeease get me this shirt for my birthday.

Dear College,

As you may have noticed, I was not able to make it to see you this weekend. It is with a heavy heart that I say those words, as it has been a very painful weekend for me. At the same time, I think the time away has been healthy and something I definitely needed.

College, I understand that we've been seeing each other on and off for the last six years now. We've gone through ups and downs together. Our relationship was probably even longer than most. But now I think its time for us to go our separate ways.

Please dont be mad - we both knew the time would come where we would have to say goodbye. Of course there will be times where I will come to see you, but it can't be the same. I dont think my body could handle the things we used to do together anyways.

I'd like to still be friends though. For now, I'll be living with the Real World. Maybe we can get together sometime and talk. I should be around your way sometime this spring to pick up something from Grad School (and no, Grad was just a fling, we had nothing in common).

Keep in touch,

Mike

Avoiding COS

And per previous post, by "many bloggers" I meant Neel Shah. Strong investigatory journalism though

This is the end[?]

Tonight is the last filmed episode of FNL before the writer's strike and many bloggers believe it could be the last. I will be enjoying the shit out of it, as should you.

Click here, scroll for "Friday Night Lights" and send a quick note to NBC letting them know how you feel about them potentially ending one of the best shows on TV.

*

You'd think Roger Clemens would at least put on a fucking tie.

"Everyone leaves me - whats wrong with me?"

Anyone staying in NYC this weekend? If so, lets hang out

For those going back to the Center of the Universe, please bring me back
-one JoYo
-one pledge (affiliation not important)
-snow
-three good stories

Hap....py new year!

From my grandparents (cousin transcribed):

"Michael,

Thank you for the money as we are so happy that you have a good job and are making lots of money. In the future, we hope you will build a family. We are doing well, and we hope to see you soon in Pittsburgh. I will make [dumplings] for you to take to New York.

Love,
Grandma and Grandpa"

"Even keel - thats what I want to be - Saracen"

Sorry for the batch of YouTube / blog-stealing vomit but with your favorite holiday and mine coming up, it's pretty fitting.

Sidenote: I think I've done something like this about 10 times in the last year. Self-Dep.

Garrity, what were you thinking?

via HuffPo

And the winner is...

A Classic Part I

A Classic Part II

Debbie Does Wordgames

Songs of the Week

Back by no real request at all...