Hi friends. Long time, no see. I deeply regret my prolonged absence for many reasons.Most especially because I had to forgo the opportunity to joke about, “Seeing you next year,” one of my all time favorite moves, circa every December 23rd of my elementary school career. I’ve been enveloped in a deep, dark, time-sucking pit also known as the pre-holiday scramble to get projects done for clients before the start of vacation. Many 2am nights and early mornings spent at work, actually working, left me unable to write the glorious contributor gift guide that I had planned. Before you could say, “Le Crueset Crock Pot for CCL” I was whisked away to work on a 175 slide Keynote deck until my eyeballs bled. Anyway, with 2010 upon us, I decided my belated gift to all of you would be to put my uncanny senses to work predicting what glorious things would befall AMDAL contributors in the coming year.* And here we go....
CCL: A Food Network executive, eager to find a new chef who can compete in the Martha Stewart timeslot, comes across CCL’s posts on AMDAL. After reading Coq au Vin and Ambien Sex, they realize that she has a special talent and the potential to pioneer a new cooking show model, something no other Food Network chef has done before her. Recognizing her ability to seamlessly combine pop culture and food in a way that fascinates and intrigues even the most epicuriously challenged, CCL is invited to work with the Food Network to develop a primetime show that’s a cross between E! News and Giada. For her debut, she has her cousin on as a guest to make marshmallow filled chocolate cupcakes and unveil his Tiger Woods theory. Immediately, forensic scientists from NASA pursue this highly plausible scenario, recreating the exact conditions using Tiger and Elin look-alikes. It is inevitably proven that this is EXACTLY how the scandal played out, and CCL and CCLCousin are awarded the Nobel Peace prize for saving the world from Tiger Woods Skank Scandal 2009-2010.
BMartin/Apple Symbol: BMar, upon graduating from Law School, adds another line to his already voluminous email signature. Much like what was supposed to happen on the verge of the millennium, this makes his signature spill over into two pages, upsetting the delicate balance of the internets. As computers worldwide short circuit, causing mass pandemonium, Apple Symbol quickly recognizes the opportunity to put all of his technology knowledge to good use. He quickly tracks down Al Gore (knowing that he’s probably at NBC studios preparing to ham it up on every single sitcom they air during Green Week), and like Batman and Robin, the pair work in perfect synchronicity to correct the issue. Their brilliant solution, involving the finagling of wires, electrons and other things about which I know nothing, revolutionizes the internet, reduces computer generated greenhouse gas emissions by 50% and allows all law school grads to list as many accomplishments in their email signatures as they want. And all becomes right in the world. From here on out, Apple Symbol and Al Gore are known as the Internet A’s – a team of computer malfunction fighting vigilantes on which several major motion pictures will be based.
Scos: While applying for business school, Scos decides that a good way to stand out from other candidates is to include “Co-Editor of AllMyDealsAreLive.com” on his resume under the Other Interests section. Upon reviewing his application, the admissions directors come across this tidbit of information and, intrigued by the blog’s clever title, decide to check out some of Scos’ work. While initially, they’re concerned by the number of porn and fart jokes, they find themselves inexplicably drawn to his posts and unable to stop reading. They notice that his Random Thoughts are balanced by detail-rich political debates and also find that, judging by the high number of comments his work generates, that he must be popular and well respected amongst his peers. And even though this prediction scenario is slightly reminiscent of Elle Wood’s video diary application for Harvard Law (in which she lists “background dancer in a Ricky Martin video” and “designer of a line of faux-fur panties” among her many accomplishments and manages to get in based solely off these items, with absolutely no academic consideration) they decide that Scos will bring much needed diversity of interests (porn, fart jokes, boobs, Sarah Palin), humor and creativity to the incoming class. This exact scenario happens at each and every school he applies to and he gets into all of them.
Mikey: After pushing mean Anon to the breaking point by posting 10-20 new LiveBlogs a day, Anon uses MLR’s roadtrip posts to stalk him across the country seeking revenge. After looking for our fearless editor in many a Diner, Drive-thru and Dive, Anon finally tracks him down on the mean streets of Haight-Ashbury, where they engage in hand-to-hand combat. MLR emerges victorious, having serendipitously been listening to a Karate for Dummies book on tape as his main source of road trip entertainment. After one too many piledrivers to the gut, Anon surrenders and agrees to let his true identity be published on the blog for all to see. MLR immediately LiveBlogs a photo of a battered and humiliated Anon, making him a national hero and earning him a glorious tickertape parade and lifetime supply of the fancy champagne of his choice (which he shares with the other contributors at the “Defeat of Anonymous” celebration gala). Anon is sent to jail for stalking and intent to cause harm, where his punishment is to watch a continuous slideshow of all the LiveBlogs ever published, for the rest of eternity.
Block: Consumed by the never-ending game of Farmville, Block continues to hatch chicks and raise adorable brown cows from calf-hood until all contributors lucky enough to be his Facebook friends get so fed up with the incessant updates on their news feed that they defriend Block in a fit of anti-agrarian rage. Block, deeply hurt by this thoughtless, hasty behavior, breaks away from AMDAL to start his own blog, Goodmoviebettermovie.com. A major LA studio exec stumbles across his genius Photoshop work, and hires him as both a movie poster creator and a plot consultant. Block wins a Golden Globe for coming up with the genius twist of making Amy Adam’s fiancé in Leap Year a brain-eating zombie, instantly making this formerly sappy rom-com into a blockbuster megahit. He continues on this newfound path of fame and fortune until one day he tragically gets caught up in a game of Mafia Wars, causing him to not leave the house for three weeks straight. He loses his new job at the studio for failing to prevent the disastrous release of Adventureland 2 while absorbed by this virtual turf war. This event opens up his eyes to the error of his Facebook game ways, and decides to devote all of his extra energy to saving the children of Africa and writing awesome posts on AMDAL – two very worthy causes indeed.
AOG/ARod: Following a hectic holiday season, AOG and ARod decide to escape to Costa Rica for a secluded “love vacation.” (AOG’s terminology, not mine.) Months go by, but nobody hears from them. Concerned, MLR sends out a search party, armed with sunblock and surfboards, to find our favorite contributing couple. After days of searching and nights of enjoying pina coladas at swim up beach bars, we come across the happy pair only to find that somehow, ARod has converted AOG into a Prius-driving, feminist-sympathizing, beach-hut-dwelling hippie. We try to convince them to move back to the US, only to find that they’ve started a moderately successful line of handcrafted, all natural hemp swim trunks worn by Obama on his Hawaiian vacations. Happy with their expat status and swimwear success, they use their newfound fortune to open up a beachfront inn exclusively for the AMDAL community. After weeks of rest and relaxation on the South American shores, AMDAL contributors return to work with a renewed vigor and post so many awesome articles that our blog simultaneously reaches 1 million hits and wins a Pulizter for blogging (a new category in 2010 created for the sole reason of recognizing the flowing, perfect prose, side splitting humor and hard hitting journalism that coexist on AMDAL like nowhere else).
Apologies to any contributors whose futures I’ve been unable to see. After all of these clear, incredibly accurate predictions, my crystal ball started to go a little fuzzy. I welcome anyone else who considers themselves a gifted psychic to add their predictions in the comments. And as for whether these will come true, only 2010 knows for sure. Happy waiting!
* Makens waives any responsibility for the accuracy of these predictions.
