Random Thoughts

On the C Train I saw a familiar ad: Learn English. It features an asian woman next to the toll-free number 1-800-ENGLISH. If I was riding a subway in Korea and saw an ad that read: 1-800-한국말, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know to call either.

The other day I heard some strange sounds emanating from the cupboard above my sink. I opened the door and there, right in front of my face, was a huge mouse climbing out of a bag of Tostitos. Horrified, I slammed the door and jumped backwards. Then, unexpectedly, I experienced what the Germans call "schadenfreude," or pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. That rodent had just munched on some really stale chips.

A few blocks down my street there's an electronic and appliance store, P.C. Richard & Son. It showcases the following slogan in one of its windows: "The Company You Can Trust Since 1909." It got me thinking: Before 1909, Mr. Richard must have sold his customers some lousy, overpriced tv's and microwaves.

At a checkout counter in the Gristedes near my apartment, the woman working the register and her courtesy clerk were talking trash about a mutual colleague who was going through a rough patch. The clerk had a large, unintelligible tattoo on her neck and wore these hideous 2"-long acrylic fingernails. She stood about 5'2" and must have weighed at least 180 pounds. After bagging my skim milk, she stuffed a handful of Crunchy Cheetos into her mouth and said, "That bitch need to get her acts together."

On the platform of the Broadway-Nassau stop I overheard two gentlemen having a conversation. The first one asked, "Are you a tits guy or an ass guy?" Without hesitation the second said, "Definitely an ass guy." "But what about Lisa? She has huge jugs." "Yeah, but they always end up smelling like my breath, which is not so good."