Friday Five

I wonder if Aladdin ever questions whether it was worth it. Jasmine is cute and everything, but she's a big complainer, her eyes are huge for her face, and she's probably not even hot naked (it's clear that only one outfit flatters her body type). I say use the Genie as a magical wingman and get crazy Agrabah tail.

I would be far better at recycling if tossing glass bottles down the trash chute wasn’t so damn satisfying.

As of recently, I have attempted to approach life as if I were training to be a motivational speaker. Since I’m new to the game, I’m still in the “do drugs, drink too much, and tear apart my family” stage. Relax siblings and parents, you’re slated to play the leading role in my best selling memoir.

I like to assign my own words to common acronyms. Little does my manager know that I will provide her with the work that she requested After Soliciting Asian Prostitutes.

I'm going to start a company that makes robin's egg blue boxes of all shapes and sizes. Valentine's Day just got a lot less expensive, Gentlemen. Be sure, however, to prepare yourself with rebuttals such as "Of course Tiffany makes oven mitts, you ungrateful bitch."