Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions

I don’t know why, but until recently I hadn’t been asked a stupid question for a long time. Maybe it’s because I spent an inordinate amount of my summer locked away in a dark bedroom, hiding from the world (and stupid people). Or maybe it’s because I don’t work at a big bank anymore and therefore I’m not inundated with questions like, “Does ‘Replace Ink Cartridge’ mean the printer’s broken?” and “Sure looks like we got on the local [elevator], doesn’t it?!” Either way, the last time I did one of these was back at the end of June when I got some blood taken.

Anyway, I’ve spent the past two days in the New York Public Library cramming for a little exam called the GMAT. Ever hear of this thing? It really blows. Yes, the whole thing – even the breaks between sections. Even the breaks? Yes, even the breaks: a meager five minutes is not enough time for those of us who suffer from IBS.

The worst part of the test by far are these pesky math questions of the “data sufficiency" variety. According to the official GMAT guide: “Each data sufficiency question consists of a question and two statements, labeled (1) and (2), which contain additional information. You must decide whether the information in each statement is sufficient to answer the question or – if neither statement provides enough information – whether the information in the two statements together is sufficient.” Confused? Me too! And I’ve done hundreds. Here, let’s try an example:

1. Should Scos apply to business school?

(1) Scos doesn’t like business.

(2) Scos doesn’t like school.*

*except for the partying and occasional hanky-panky

If you answered E. Statements (1) and (2) TOGETHER are NOT sufficient, go to the head of the class! But what about D. EACH statement ALONE is sufficient? That’s what I chose too but, according to my parents, it’s wrong because I need "some direction in my life” and “something to fall back on when the stupid blog doesn’t pan out.” (I told them we almost made $5 last month, but that didn’t seem to matter much.)

Yesterday, after three straight hours in the library, I decided to head across the street to The Original SoupMan for an overpriced seafood bisque and turkey club. As I packed up my backpack and headed out of the Reading Room, I was rudely stopped by a guard at a desk. “Excuse me,” he said. “Open your bag.” I complied. He peered inside with his flashlight and noticed my ten GMAT prep books. “Are those your books?” Not being confronted like this very often, I just kinda nodded. He looked at me again and tilted his head, signaling I was free to proceed. Yes, I had blown a chance to play everyone’s favorite Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions!

Are those your books?

1. Of course they are. Just like this ten dollar bill is yours. (Wink.)
2. Probably not; this isn’t my bag.
3. No, those are actually Kindles, each one costing $300 and holding 1,500 books. Think about how rich that makes me – in wealth and literature.
4. Yes. Every single one. Except, maybe, that 12-pound Encyclopedia Britannica. That one might be the library’s.
5. ………………………..………………………..………………………..……..………………………..……..………………………..……..………………………..……..………………………..……..………………...

[If you, dear AMDAL readers, can think of a good one, let me know in the comments section. I'm gonna run into this guard again tomorrow and I need to equip myself with some snappy answers. I promise, if the situation presents itself, I will use the best one.]