If I spent half the time I spend on fantasy football looking for a new job, I’d definitely have a worse record in fantasy football.
As a lot of my friends will attest, I get hangovers that are so debilitating that I spend the entire day on the couch, watching television, eating junk food and taking pain medication. I think this is why I don’t mind getting hangovers.
When you get old and wrinkly, I think it’s a good idea to keep a bagel in your back pocket. Then, when you catch people staring at the unsightly spittle in the corners of your mouth, take the bagel out and wave it around. They'll think: Oh, cream cheese!
Since junior high I’ve been self-conscious about my small patch of gray hair. Over time, however, I learned that it’s a pretty good litmus test for determining whether girls are shallow or not. For example, if we meet at a bar and you ask me why I don’t just dye it, I walk away. Unless, of course, you think it’s cute, or you’re attractive, or I’m drunk.
On Saturday I overheard someone on the train say, “Kindness baguettes kindness.” I’m sorry, hungry fellow, but that sentence needs a verb.
6 comments:
My favorite RT's in a while. Nice work.
"Unless, of course, you think it’s cute, or you’re attractive, or I’m drunk."
Verbs schmerbs! How did those baguettes look?
1) Man bangs? And you're more concerned about chicks judging your grey spot?
2) Sorry, but I'm calling you out, Sir (or should I say, "Lady"): I do believe a very special female - not a fellow - came up with that sage phrase.
I did that to spare you the embarrassment. Suit yourself!
Or if you're old and have a mouth spittle issue, you could keep a baguette with cream cheese in your back pocket. That way, if people don't make the original cream cheese/mouth spittle connection and greet you with a mean comment, you can wave the baguette around and say "Kindness baguettes kindness" for an added pun/life lesson.
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