Random Thoughts

Actual billboard ad for the new McCafe mocha: “Tastes as beautiful as it looks.” Nice try McDonald’s, but I already fell for that one: once when I was little, with Play-Doh, and then when I was older, with women.

At my old gym the personal trainers all wore the same shirt with the word TRAIN on the front. Out of curiosity I once jokingly asked one, this muscle-bound meathead, if that was his nickname. In a deep, serious voice he replied, “No, it’s what I do.” Why his shirt didn’t say SHALLOW WOMEN, I did not ask.

I was at my local Duane Reade the other week and a situation developed in which an employee started following a suspicious-looking man around the store. After a few minutes the man turned around and screamed, “What are you doing!” He then tugged at his unruly hair and bedraggled clothes and said, “What, you think I'm a shoplifter because I don’t look like your typical customer?” No, I thought, he probably thinks that because you have a shampoo bottle in your back pocket.

I just joined a new gym and I noticed that at the pool all the lifeguards are black. This made me wonder, What if someone starts to drown? Then I thought, Wait. Was that racist? After much deliberation, I concluded it wasn’t; it was simply a negative stereotype, much like these: White people are bad at dancing; Asian people are bad at driving; Arab people are bad at not blowing themselves up. You might find them offensive, but they’re not racist; they’re just true.

I bet the best orgasm of all time occurred when a guy was having sex with a super model and right as he climaxed, two French maids pulled off the ski boots he had been wearing all day.

For those counting, that last one was my 100th Random Thought. I wanted to quickly take this moment to thank all of our loyal fans, except Anonymous, for reading (and hopefully enjoying) my material over the past five months. I want to thank MLR in particular for giving me this stage. It’s been a lot of fun.

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